Meta Cage
The Cage Character: An Honorable Captain who reluctantly escorts secret cargo in effort to get back to his young hottie wife
Cage Hair: Not safe for sea water	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 1
Cage Kills by Proxy: 884

Review: One minor mishap and 900 men die.

Cage gives a decent performance based on historical events

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First, a new category was added. Through dicussion with friends I decided to add a "Cage Kills by Proxy" category in an effort to account for those who die directly from Cage's actions or under his command. This can also include wooing an audience with a truly Cage-tastic performance.

It turns out that alot of service members ended up stranded at sea during World War II - who knew?! Cage plays a partially checked-out Captain McVay of the USS Indianapolis - a ship built like a brick sh*thouse. After undergoing repairs in San Francisco Cage receives word from Dexter's Dad and Mike Pence's not so homophobic brother that his ship is to carry a top secret cargo over to Guam (Spoiler: it's atomic bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima). Saddly, due to the top secret nature of the mission Cage won't receive any military escort through submarine infested waters

Predictably a Japanese sub spots the Indy on their return trip and hits them with a torpedo at close range. Now, is when the real tragedy starts. Some 900 men are stuck floating in shark infested waters leaving the audience to endure discarded "Shark Week" b-roll and footage cut from Jaws 3-D being spliced into this narrative. I think the producers blew most of the budget on USS Indianpolis set creation (a ship that was only in 45 mins of the the 2+ hr movie) and Tom Sizemore's cocaine diet. To the latter point, I'm pretty convinced Tom Sizemore is courting the "Columbian White Lady" pretty regularly. That, or he just permanntly looks strung out...

I'm guessing there would have been a bigger budget for better CGI if less money had been spent on Sizemore's Peruvian Flake and quarts of hair dye Cage went through after every water scene. Seriously, if this movie has one fatal flaw (other than Cage's unrelenting good looks and class) it's the "Scorpion King" level special effects.

The film ends on a somber note. Cage is unfairly court-martialed because he failed to properly adhere to standard maneuvers in submarine infested waters. Despite testimony form the captain of the sub that hit his ship, the judge still decided to find him guilty, and not of good looks. Cage did everything right and still got taken down by the man. Stay strong Cage...

Quotes & Cagisms

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There will always be war until we kill off our own species. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Totally delusional part time construction worker on dialysis attempts to hunt down and kill Osama Bin Laden while donning a katana. This is based on a true story...
Cage Hair: Geriatric Con Air	Cage Rating: 11 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 6	Kills: 0

Review: Gary Takes Justice into his Own hands

I think a documentary about the real Gary Faulkner would have been better...

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Cage was born for crazy roles, it's what we love about him. He has a knack for playing the delightfully unhinged character that you still harbor sympathy for. Gary Faulkner is just that character. Gary means well, but just doesn't have the faculties to pull off the one person manhunt for Osama Bin Laden (OBL). Also, this is based on a true story...

You might think an unhinged character wandering the lands of Pakistan while sporting a full Katana sword and practicing karate kid style meditations in his hotel room would be entertaining. But, you'd be wrong. All of us fell asleep while watching this - not the hallmark of a classic Cage performance.

Here's an interview with the real Gary Faulkner from 2010 on Letterman

We couldn't tell what inspired Cage to take on the nasal voice for his adaptation of the role. The real Faulkner seems a bit more grounded than Cage's representation. Obviously, Faulkner is wise in that he doesn't travel anywhere w/o a blade of some sort - a tip often left out of "Lonely Planet" or "Frommers".

Cage did do his homework and interviewed Faulkner for 3 hrs, which likely provided more than enough material for the 90-minute runtime of this movie.

Cage "dyed" his beard gray. Sure...because his natural hair color at his age is jet black...

Tim and I wanted more from this performance. It had all the elements for a truly epic Cage performance. Admittedly, our hopes and expectations were tempered when we discovered this was released straight to video on demand (VOD)...

Quotes & Cagisms

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Part time construciton work with bad Kidneys and a full time American patriot narrator

The blade missed most of Roy's tenodns, and like the previous three times, he was back in the bar in no time. narrator

Marcy Mitchell!...I had so many fantasies about you in high school I must have gone through about 100 boxes of kleenex!Cage

yes. I take a holy shit every day.Brand

You can't sail to Pakistanguy who owns a boat They told George Washington the same thing. Cage

I'm Gary Faulkner. I am the Donkey King! Cage

Reason for visit? Pakistan customs agent Taking care of business Cage

Smell that sir? It's the smell of a people clamoring for democarcy. Wilson

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Mild mannered chemical super freak and self-described "Beatlemaniac" gets in over his head with and hold man on an island run by terrorist Marines.
Cage Hair: F*cking Legendary	Cage Rating: 11 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 9	Kills: 3

Review: Stanley Goodspeed Saves the F*ckin' Day

The most epic movie ever to be dedicated to anyone.

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Yep, that's right. This movie was dedicated to the late Don Simpson, and what an amazing piece of cinema to have dedicated to him. There's a reason this was saved for last - it's simply the f*cking best. It has the epic Bruckheimer intro, chase scenes, action, witty dialogue, and Sir Dr. Nicolas Cage!

I own this masterpiece on DVD, having received it as a gift for passing lifeguarding training when I was 14 - making the DVD 18 years old. The DVD may be in widescreen, but this was back when the resolution was garbage so this "widescreen" DVD had letterboxing on all four sides - effectively reducing the picture to about 30% of the size of my TV screen. That aside it was still a truly magnificent final night in "The Cage".

This movie is so f*cking iconic that it inspired false Iraqi chemical weapons claims by British Intelligence! As insane as that sounds, it's true.

Stanley whiles way the hours as an FBI biochemist making Rube-Goldberg machines in the office, only occasionally having to work. He gets his Beatles vinyl albums sent to the office so his live-in girlfriend won't freak out. When at home he enjoys playing the guitar in solitude and softly naming ice cream flavors during amorous times with Carla. Stanley's world is turned upside down by some self-righteous Marine upset about US treament of fallen soldiers during top secret missions. So, the Marine has a point...

Also, Ed Harris is one hell of a solid actor. Damn that guy can own a character.

Soon, Cage is chasing Connery all over San Francisco. In reality, they were only able to shut down a couple of blocks for that chase scene and ended up having to pay for residents dry cleaning and dog walking while the street was shut down. This movie has very few plot holes, but I do question how a streetcar gets blown 30 feet into the air from colliding with a parked Buick...

Also, Cage obtains the last guidance chip but freaks out about the last rocket being fired - which is actually a minor plot hole considering the government would risk the lives of 80+ hostages instead of just paying up. Maybe the lesson to be learned is don't take the hard "We don't negotiate with terrorists" line? Maybe, a bit of wiggle room on this stance is a good idea? Even so, I can understand why this is Bay's favorite film to have worked on/made. He did have the help of Tarantino and Aaron Sorkin in the screenwriting - which is surely why this classic piece of Americana has stood the test of time.

Connery is f*ckin gold in this, and he only accepted the role after learning Cage was cast as Stanley. Good call Connery, don't take a role unless Cage has accepted one in the film. A rule to live by indeed - if only he'd employed that level of scrutiny before being in The Avengers

Cage expertly crafted his character - a nerdy FBI agent who's quite reluctant to use profanity. As he progresses in his journey with Mason, he becomes more comfortable with profane words - character development at it's finest. Also, Dr. Cage ad-libbed many of his lines. The original script was much more serious. Thank god Dr. Cage was able to prescribe and deliver the perfect dose of Cage to bring this film into "epic" status.

Quotes & Cagisms

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First of all, it's because I'm a Beatlemaniac. Second, these sound better. Cage talking about ordering vinyl Beatles album

Well, that's a pretty big friggin problem! Cage

Get that away from me! Cage responding to other guy holding a giant syringe

I really think anyone considering bringing a child into this world is coldy considering an act of cruelty. Cage

Well. Gosh. Kind of a lot's happened since then. Cage responding to his girlfriend's pregnancy announcement

What kind of f*cked up tour is this!? random guy on Alcatraz

Pig tails are naughty. naughty. Naughtay! You're just amaretto cream peach persuasion sorbetCage

How could they possibly know you're home? Carla They're the FBI Cage

In charge of what? F*cking me over for another three decades?!Connery

I'm Stanley Goodspeed. Cage But of course you are. Connery

I'm a chemical Superfreak actually, but I still need a gun. Cage

Let's say we cut the chit-chat, a-hole! Cage

Well, it's certainly more exciting than my average day. Reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the washroom. Though it's less of a problem these days, maybe I'm Losing my sex appeal...Connery

Well, there's a problem sir. He's got a gun. Cage

FBI, freeze sucker! Cage

I love history. and after this maybe we can...but right now I just. I wanna find some rockets! Cage

I'll do my best Cage Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*ck the prom queen. Connery Carla was the prom queen. Cage

Yeah, okay. Well, that's just about the most awful thing I've every seen. Cage

You've been around a lot of corpses. Is that normal? Cage What, the foot thing? Connery Yeah, the foot thing. Cage Yeah Connery Well, can you make it stop? Cage What do you want me to do? Kill him again? Connery

I'm just a chemist. I drive a Volvo, a beige one. What we're dealing with here is one of the most deadly substances known to man. So why don't you cut me some friggin slack! Cage

I love pressure. I eat it for breakfast. Cage

Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious. Connery quoting Oscar Wild

How in the name of Zues' butt hole did you get out of your cell? I only ask because in our present situation it could prove useful, MAYBE! Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Determined PI puts his family aside to ultimately carry out justice in the name of a missing girl.
Cage Hair: F*cking Legendary	Cage Rating: 7 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 2

Review: I Wish this was the Prequel to Trespass

If Nic Cage were a food, he'd be a ghost pepper. - Jason or Randy Sklar

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Originally I was a bit distraught after removing the DVD from the case. This was one of those "double sided" discs where one side is full screen and other was widescreen. The reason for my distress is one side was scratched to sh*t with the label "widescreen" - so I thought I'd have to watch this in full screen. Thankfully the label on one side corresponds to the aspect ratio on the other and I was able to watch this in widescreen. Library patrons do not respect the CAGE!

This was the first time Joel Schumacher and Cage worked together. I wanted this to be the prequel to Trespass (where Schumacher and Caged worked together as well), and maybe it is (once again making Tim's proof true, which can be viewed from the Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance review). Maybe Catherine Keener (Cage's wife) left him after his harrowing investigation of the snuff film - taking their daughter with her. Cage gave up his life as a P.I. and moved into the diamond trade - eventually marrying Kidman with whom he'd have another daughter. Those breaking into his house were actually associates of those he killed back during his days as P.I. investigating the snuff film.

Cage plays a private investigator who may have gotten his "big break" when asked by a recently widowed millionaire to determine the authenticity of a snuff film found in her recently deceased husband's belongings. Cage takes the case and drives off to Cleveland (Where Terminal Tower soars up in the sky, over 50 groovy stories high) to scour the missing persons database/resource center. This is where we leave reality, and enter Cage's reality for a bit. Let's do some math.

• 850,000 - 1,000,000 persons go missing each year (according to director of the center).
• We'll assume for the year Cage was looking 850,000 went missing. He has to look at every photo in the database and compare it to that of the girl in the film. Assuming it takes 5 seconds to do a cursory visual comparison that's:
  • 850,000 * 5 sec / 60 sec = 70,833 minutes
  • 70,833 minutes = 1,180 hours
• working 16 hr days straight, 7 days a week that would require 74 days to troll the entire record set. If we assume that half are men, that still requires 37 days of looking (worst case scenario). Cage finds the girl after a few days (week tops) - lucky Cage!

Cage's tenacity pays off leading him down a meandering trail requiring him to cross the continent and befriend Max California (played by Joaquin Phoenix or as I pronounce it JO-kin PA-hone-ix) who I'm still convinced is related to Robert California from The Office. Max is an aspiring Musician in LA that works at a porn store to pay the bills but feeds his mind high brow literature like In Cold Blood. Cage trolls through LA's non-existent red-light district looking for clues - basically an excuse for Cage to see a bunch of topless women.

Cage enlists the help of Max and his midriff to track down the "seedier" establishments of the underground porn industry - eventually leading them to "The Russian/Nihilist" (Peter Stormare) director/creator of the film Cage is investigating. Cage get's the bottom of the story fast - narrowly escaping death from the Nihilist. Sadly Midriff Max meets his demise from the same S&M guy who killed the girl in the film.

Cage goes rogue when he obtains permission from the girl's mother to kill those responsible for her death. A solid Cage performance that would have been made better by cutting a good 30 minutes from the runtime, adding a few more freakouts, and possibly at least one more death-by-crossbow. Maybe they did that for the sequel 8mm 2 (yep, they made a sequel).

Quotes & Cagisms

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How about passing me one of them smokes? Norman Reedus (his role is small unfortunately) I don't smokeCage (while dropping his half-smoked cigarette on the floor Reedus was mopping

Sir, could I interest you in a battery operated vagina?Joaquin Thanks, but no. Cage I'd hate to see you caught in one of those every day situations that calls for a battery-operated vagina, and you don't have one." Joaquin

Ok sir. I'm not sure what kind of information you're looking for. Just so we're clear from the start, I'm straight Joaquin to Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Cocaine crazed big-nosed pimp dressed like Elton John
Cage Hair: Blond perm wig	Cage Rating: 7.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills: 0

Review: Oh Hi Darling!

A curly blond haired pimp is Cage in his element

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Cage's directorial debut! And, his only directorial performance. The lack of Cage in this movie is saddening, but I think Franco channeled his "inner Cage" for most of his freakout scenes (of which there are a few). Franco is an honorably discharged serviceman on the hunt for honest work. Like wildlife to the waterhole, he can't stay away from his past and only profession - prostitution.

I wonder if some of this was autobiographical? Maybe Cage was a former male prostitute working for tricks in New Orleans. Afterall, that city is one he frequents...

Cage gave a flawless directorial (and on screen) performance. A conflicted Franco resorts to his old ways partially influence by pressure from his mother (also a prosty). Franco has numerous exploits, but derails after the death of the guy that turns out to be his father (and served as a father figure).

Finally! Enter Dr. Cage as "Acid Yellow" - a flamboyant cocaine crazed pimp. Cage grants Franco a trick and Franco proceeds to beat the living piss out of the poor melvin. Yellow rightly, freaks out and chases Franco out of his house with a cane.

I wish Franco had gone to Yellow for help sooner. Maybe the two would have turned their lives around and become prosty tycoons of New Orleans. Alas, we'll never know the fate of the two characters since they parted ways and Franco runs off with Mena.

Quotes & Cagisms

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The stick. Use the stick Some old woman

So what? I drink beer. You break shit. She drinks cough syrup. So what? Caan

I know why your momma always called you a natural born whore Henry

Oh! High Darling!Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Oldest brother gets bamboozled into leading a bank robbery with his two younger criminal brothers only to fall in love with the local hottie, and the rest of the town.
Cage Hair:Classic Cage	Cage Rating: 8 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 19	Kills: 0

Review: Conflicted Cage Does the Right Thing

Win over a town and you can get away with armed robbery

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In yet another "Cage family Christmas special" Cage gets entangled in a bank heist gone awry. Cage is a restaurant manager of sorts but doesn't shy away from taking the cash from a wallet he found on the subway. To subdue is already questionable conscience Cage goes to confession. Here we find that the priest has already given up on Cage due to the fact that he's doing a crossword instead of actually paying attention to Cage. Cage having to deal with his two inept brothers is basically a license for him to freak out constantly.

There's hardly any reason to watch this movie. There are countless other Christmas movies, and WAY better heist movies. I would rather bunk up with Clive Owen in Inside Man (the movie where he stows away behind a false wall in a bank for a few days to get away with a heist) than watch this movie again. Thanks to HBO Now I wasn't forced to buy this movie!

Cage's downward spiral begins when his two hapless criminal brothers are released from prison early - played by Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey (he'll always be Garth Algar to me). Cage narrowly escapes the pursuit of the police for the first of many times by posing as a detective. Bold move, double down by posing a police officer!

Cage and his brothers embark on a trip to "Paradise" where they plan to rob a bank. Cage is convinced when he sees how lax the security is at the bank. So, they mosey on down to the town general store to pick up some "costume supplies". Based on Cage's chosen eyewear I lost all sympathy for him having to deal with his two nitwit brothers. Cage chose sunglasses that cover the least amount of his face possible, creating a striking resemblance to Krang from TMNT.

Due to weather the roads are closed (all though they aren't actually) and the Cage Clan are trapped in Paradise (hence the name of this movie). A series of botched getaway attempts prevent them from leaving paradise, including:

1. A greyhound bus ticket bought by the attendant even though Cage had $275k in a bag. Cage turns on the water works to the sympathetic attendant who buys his ticket for him.
2. A row boat down class 4 white water wherein Cage and Lovitz used row boat oars like canoe paddles. Never underestimate the utility of solid outdoorsmanship. Had they known how to properly operate a rowboat they may have gotten away.
3. A horse and sleigh. Dana magically knows how to lead a horse on reigns.

Cage is overwhelmed by the charm and generosity of the citizens of Paradise, ultimately giving the money back and charming his way out of an armed robbery arrest (and likely conviction). In a true Christmas miracle, Cage gets a second chance and manages to land the town hottie on Christmas day.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Oh my God! a Gun! Cage

It's a long story I'd rather not get into right now. Right now there's a three-legged dog starying at me. Cage

Let's all stick our thumbs out and look pitiful. That should be easy. Cage

I swear we ain't the same people we were this morning. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Demin Zen Drifter
Cage Hair: F*cking perfect!	Cage Rating: 7.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 1

Review: Much Denim. Such wow.

A classic game of cat and mouse (caution, there's spoilers).

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An overly dramatic, denim-clad Cage plays a homeless drifter looking for work. As part of his morning routine, he wakes from sleeping in his car and does shirtless one-handed push-ups on empty Wyoming highways. He was promised a job on an oil rig but didn't get it when he was honest about having a bum knee.

The honesty of Cage's character becomes more apparent when he doesn't rob a gas station when filling up for gas - what a classy guy! He does make sure to give dramatic pause when responding to the attendants request for payment. When Cage rolls into Red Rock, WY the classic case of mistaken identity leads Cage to take a job as a hitman to kill a bar owner's wife.

Cage's business prowess is impeccable, as is his ability to play a Texan. He pits the husband and wife against one another (wife = Lara Flynn Boyle), where the wife offers twice what the husband is paying. With a fresh $15,000 in his pocket Cage (smartly) decides to split town - only to return when he accidentally nails some dude on the highway. Classic, classy Cage returns to Red Rock in order to get the victim to the emergency room, which apparently exists in a town of 1,500.

This turns into a pivotal point, as we learn that the guy that hired Cage is actually the sheriff! Cage narrowly escapes a contrived scenario when the sheriff gives him the key to handcuffs. Cage is able to escape due to the generosity of a fellow marine, who happens to be Lyle - the actual hitman hired by the Sheriff. Another feline enters the game of "cat and mouse"!

Cage is able to take down Lyle and help Boyle escape by taking the classic Middle Eastern approach of throwing a shoe at an old white dude. Cage (proving he does know a thing or two about engines) disables Lyle's car so he and a cross-dressing "Indiana Jones" Boyle can escape and eventually take a trip to the bonezone.

We eventually learn that Sherrif and Tranny Indiana Jones (Boyle) are thieves on the run from a job in Illinois. A climactic graveyard scene ensues where the Sheriff gets a knife to the neck and Lyle is impaled on a gravestone by Cage.

I was utterly confused at the logic here. Why would the sheriff bury $500,000 in a graveyard? What if he needed it? Why wouldn't you hide it somewhere just a bit more convenient?

Cage escapes by hopping a train, bum knee and all. Indy/Boyle temporarily escapes on the same train. But, when she tries to shoot Cage he's chill since he knows the gun doesn't have bullets. Cage calmly dumps out the money. Indy/Boyle jumps out after it. Cage snags a wayward stack of "benjamins" caught in the door and chills hard while the train takes him away.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Does that tickle? Cause it won't if I pull the trigger. Dwight Yoakam, oh yeah! Dwight Yoakam is in this!

What do you say we put a cap on the horsesh*t and figure a way out of here!Cage

You know what? I am better than you. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Genius rocket scientist struggling to juggle his career while being a single father uses science to create andriod replica of his recently deceased son.
Cage Hair: Mad Scientist with a raging goatee and an epic nose	Cage Rating: 6 cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills: 0

Review: Part "Iron Man", part "Megamind", part "Matrix" prequel, part "I,Robot", part "Frankenstein"

Butt guns save the f*ckin day.

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This has one hell of a voice cast! Sam Jackson, Kristin Bell, Bill Nighy, etc. the list goes on and on. I'm surprised at the voice cast for this one, and why it didn't get more press.

In a world where robots are subservient to their creators (humans) - what could possibly go wrong? Cage's character saves humanity from its own demise by creating a floating island in the sky where humans and robots live in peace - dumping their robot refuse down to the surface. This city, called Metro City (I pronounced it Meh-TRA-city like Megamind in Megamind) is apparently at odds with the surface dwelling humans. Yet no real conflict is noticed so this just seemed like a device to drive the plot.

Cage is a single father raising is a genius son, Toby. Honestly, who names their child Toby. Perhaps the biggest crime of this is the naming of the main character. Toby! That's not a far cry from Sheldon.

Our Hero, Toby sneaks into a military robot demonstration wherein a dick of a general loads an unstable power source resulting in the death of Toby. Cage deals with this by building an android replacement of his son - complete with his son's memories.

Cage is all excited as his opportunity to not be an absentee father by schooling Toby at home with 4-dimensional calculus and having him read the works of Kant and Descartes. Predictably, Cage shuns his recently created "monster" just like Dr. Frankenstein in Frankeinstein.

Poor Android Toby ends up on the surface in a robot graveyard full of zombie robots searching for a power source. Some nice humans find him that he quickly befriends. Android Toby becomes useful but is quickly double-crossed by the human leader and forced to fight in a robot gladiator event where humans watch - similar to Roman times where they would watch Christians get slain for entertainment. A-Tobes prevails but is snatched up by the evil general in search of re-election at any cost. Cage convinces himself A-Tobes is a heartless android and harvests A-Tobes power source at the evil general's request. Said General powers up Cage's "peacekeeping" robot which quickly unleashes hell on the poor residents of Meh-TRA-city.

A-Tobes defeats the evil robot by using his butt guns (seriously, he has guns in his butt) and in true Cage fashion, "Saves the f*ckin' day".

Quotes & Cagisms

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I never kid Cage

He's a dangereous idiot with a high IQ Pres. Stone

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Classy and honest NYPD officer gets the girl and humanity rescues them from dire financial straits.
Cage Hair: Legendary	Cage Rating: 8.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 0

Review: Could it Happen to You?

No, statistically, it's basically impossible

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Cage is an honest and resourceful member of NYPD with a gold-digging wife with a voice that's more annoying than Fran Drescher's pitch shifted up two octaves. Honest guy Cage elects to promise half of his lottery winnings to poor Bridget Fonda when he comes up short on a lunch tab. Bridget has had a string of bad luck going as far back as her childhood dog dying of Parvovirus (she still doesn't know what it is). Most recently her scumbag husband (played by the awesome Stanley Tucci) ran up $12,000 on their credit card that she's now responsible for.

Cage wins the lottery with his ill-picked numbers. The $65 million jackpot! The problem is that 16 (9 winning tickets) other people picked the same exact winning numbers - leaving only $4 million for Cage and his little yappy wife. This is the point where math is needed to determine just how implausible this scenario is.

Odds of winning New York State Lottery:	1:45,057,474
Odds of being 1 of the 9 jackpot winners:	2.16*10 -5

Basically, Cage is more likely to be struck by lightning twice while drowning than for this scenario to actually unfold.

Immediate payout %	≅ 55%
Lump sum payout for 1/9th	$3.6 million

Initially, I thought there would be mathematical erros regarding the payout, but it seems to check out pretty well. Cage being the stand-up guy he is keeps his word and gives Bridget half his newly acquired $4 million. Cage's little half-pint wife goes on a spending spree - remodeling their tiny apartment, buying a ton of sh*t from fancy department stores, and even contemplates getting fake boobs to accompany her fake personality. Meanwhile, Bridget squanders her share on buying the restaurant where she works a waitress. Yep, solid idea! Buy the restaurant where you hate to work and have to deal with unruly customers on a regular basis!

Classy Cage continues to be an upstanding NYPD officer after winning - even subduing a would-be robber with a can of beans and taking a bullet in the line of duty. Generous Cage continues his charitable ways by treating the neighborhood kids to a day at Yankee Stadium, subway commuters to a free ride, and setting up a wounded officer's fund.

Cage and Fonda hit it off, going on several dates - one if which includes Cage on roller blades in jeans! Cage is comically bad at rollerblading. Eventually, Cage and Fonda take a trip to the "bone zone" after Cage's wife demands a divorce. Sadly, Cage has poor legal representation and doesn't get to keep any of the lottery winnings and Fonda has to return her share Cage gave to her. Thankfully, humanity pulls through and donates cash to Cage and Fonda to the tune of $600,000.

Sweet justice is served when Cage's gold-digging wife is "gold dug" by a rich old man. She moved in with her sister and returned to her job at a nail salon. Yes! What Cage should have done is immediately divorced his wife after winning the lottery, but done so after giving half of their winnings to Fonda. Cage marries Fonda and then gets 75% of the lottery winnings - leaving him in a better scenario both financially and romantically. It all works out in the end for Cage because he's classy and honest.

Quotes & Cagisms

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If only rich people had kids there wouldn't be public schools. Cage

What are you? Whipped? 12-year-old neighbor to Cage

Your father was a nut job! He prayed to chickens! Cage

I'll catch Leprosy from the water, but other than that I'm okay. Cage after rollerblading into a pond

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Slightly confused demon posessed homeless motorcycle enthusiast battling constepation.
Cage Hair: Not Quite Receding Segal	Cage Rating: 4.5 Cages out o 10
Freakouts: 6	Kills: 55 (estimated)

Review: Flaming Demons wear eye-liner during the day.

Can a sequel be better than the first terrible installment? Maybe...

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It's been quite a while since I've seen the "original" Ghost Rider. Thankfully, the makers of this sequel assumed the audience had no working knowledge of the story line and brought the viewer up to speed with some pretty good animation and voice over by Cage himself. One element that seemed a bit odd was the Devil having people actually sign paperwork. You'd think the Devil would have a slightly better option than merely signing documents that resembled shitty employment contract for a chain restaurant.

The movie opens with a solid chase scene starring Idris Elba. Soon, Cage appears and I'm fairly certain he's wearing eyeliner. Idris' character survived driving off a precipitous cliff by landing in a tree, and magically avoiding impalement. Cage is also apparently scared of light (but only for the first few minutes).

In no time, we see "The Rider" - but never actually see a full transition. Cage is always trying to keep the demon at bay, which makes for some truly awesome freakout scenes (nothing as epic as "The Wickerman", but still solid freakouts). Eventually, the plot becomes evident. The Devil (character name Roarke) needs a new body and this kid is the body the Devil is aiming to take on.

We learn all this, then get another animated voiceover with Cage explaining why the Devil needs to take on different human forms (presumably to arc the character previously played by Peter Fonda?) ending with the face of Jerry Springer - which was a truly awesome touch.

After "The Rider" kills an undetermined amount of people using a giant strip-mining digging machine the Devil possess/reanimates the lead pursuant of Cage and company into a demon that causes everything to decay that he touches. This allowed for a rather clever stab at Twinkies, in that the only food this character eats is Twinkies (because nothing natural is in them).

Christopher Lambert shows up as a bald headed tattooed priest (in his first major role since Highlander: Endgame). An epic battle ensues where "The Rider" kills another undetermined amount of people and Cage/Blaze realize the demon that possess him is actually a fallen angel looking to do good in the world.

Oh, and there's a quick cutscene of "The Rider" pissing fire - awesome!

Quotes & Cagisms

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I did a bare-ass 360 triple backflip in front of an audience of 20,000. But when my dad got sick I did something way crazier than that.Cage/Blaze

Good judgement was not my forteCage/Blaze

You did something you wouldn't want the rider to see... an illegal download Cage/Blaze

No I get it, you're the devil's baby mama.Cage/Blaze

Black, French, alcoholic priest, kind of a dick. Know him?

Everyone is robbing me. it makes my balls hurt!Random Romanian dude.

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Con Man suffering from OCD has suprising thick hair for how much tuna he eats
Cage Hair: Classic, legendary Cage	Cage Rating: 8 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 7	Kills: 0

Review: Cage is Cured of OCD by Being Conned Out of All His Money.

The one f*ckin' movie where Sam Rockwell doesn't dance!

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Cage's character having OCD was basically a license for him to freak out at the drop of a hat - so long as that hat dropped on his carpet. Rockwell has an epic wardrobe in this with some strong Tyler Durden choices. Director Ridley Scott weaves one hell of a good tale all while giving Cage enough rope to "do his thang".

Cage's character seems to subsist on tuna and cigarettes and has oddly thick hair for the amount of mercury he's ingesting from all the Tuna consumption. He runs a tight ship around his house - mostly due to his OCD. His 50's style ranch house is kept immaculately clean, and Cage's only companion is a safe in the form of a dog. Cage's life starts to unravel when his OCD pills go down the drain, which he was obtaining illegally. This one seemingly random event sets off a chain of events that will destroy Cage's life!

Cage is full of ticks - fully embodying a Cage version of OCD and Tourettes. One such tick is his having to lock, open, or close doors in sets of three - allowing him to perfect counting to three on multiple languages, meaning he can't slam the door on anybody (since he has to close it three times).

One mystery is how Cage's character ever ended up married? He's a wreck - barely holding himself together. Cage is able to procure some new meds through seemingly legal means. Cage's daughter throws a wrench into his life - especially when she wants to learn the art of being a con artist. The daughter threatens to regale Cage with her sexual exploits as a 14-year-old unless he starts learning her some con tactics.

Cage and Rockwell set up to rip off D-Day from Animal House. Only to find out the con was on Cage! His stash was cleaned out and was left a broken man. Cage picked up the pieces and married the grocery store cashier he was crushing on earlier and already put a bun in her oven. The traumatic event cured Cage of his self-imposed neurosis and he's on the straight and narrow as a carpet salesman.

Quotes & Cagisms

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They left their door open...it was bitchin'Cage

Look, Doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet. And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I, I might vomit. And the whole time, I was thinking, 'I'm a grown man. I should know what goes on my head.' And the more I thought about it... the more I realized that I should just blow my brains out and end it all. But then I thought, well, if I thought more about blowing my brains out... I start worrying about what that was going to do to my goddamn carpet. Okay, so, ah-he, that was a GOOD day, Doc. ! Cage

Hey, have you ever been dragged onto the sidewalk and beaten until you PISSED BLOOD!?! Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Retired famous car theif with sun bleached hair comes out of retirement to save his kid brother and the f*ckin day
Cage Hair: Sun bleached legendary	Cage Rating: 8.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 1

Review: Low Rider Donny

Classic Cage in his element driving Beautiful Eleanor

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Before The Fast and Furious franchise got traction, this movie was one of the "go-to" movies for "car guys". I can see why, it's basically car porn with classy as sh*t Cage working his finger and foot magic on numerous shiny autos.

This is a remake of 1974 "cult classic" - meaning the original is likely to be garbage. J.J. Abrams was part of a script re-write (uncredited) that undoubtedly upped the class on this Cage Classic.

I honestly don't know why Cage (hereafter referred to his character, Memphis) gives up his cushy job as a go-kart track attendant giving motivational speeches to elementary school kids hopped up on sugar and Adderall. He's got it made in the shade (actually, the sun - which has bleached his hair to a nice dirty blond). Sadly, family ties (in the form of his little sh*t brother played by Ribisi) pull him out of retirement to orchestrate a momentous 50 car boost in one night.

Cage/Memphis didn't take any shortcuts in this classic Cage flick. Cage did most of his own driving stunts after being properly trained at stunt driving school. I'm guessing "Low Rider" was required per Cage's stunt driving training and it was just playing on repeat during filming. I wonder if Cage learned the heel-toe driving technique that F1 drivers use...?

Memphis narrowly pulls off the heist - complete with a brief makeout session with Angelina in a car. Thankfully Duval stored all of Memphis' crap for him, which included a classy leather jacket. Why wouldn't Memphis take the jacket? If he's wearing the jacket does just turn him into a car thief? Is the jacket like Tony Stark's Iron Man suit or Peter Parker's spidey suit? I think the kids would have taken him more seriously at the go-kart track if he was wearing this jacket over his onesie overalls.

Admittedly, I watched this classic on VHS on a little 13" TV/VCR combo while I was working on a project. I've seen this movie enough times I can recite most of the dialogue so I figured I wasn't really "cheating" by passively watching. I may do a second screening on a full 5.1 surround setup to get the full effect of when Memphis hits the "Go Baby Go" nitrous button on Eleanor...

Quotes & Cagisms

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Am I an arsehole? Do I look like an arsehole? Calitri Well. Yeah...Cage

Two Rogers don't make a right! HaHaHa! Cage

I'm a baaaaad man Cage

Pink underwear works. Pink underwear works. Cage

I just stole fifty cars in one night! I'm a little tired, little *wired*, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!Cage

Perhaps, Mmmm. But, you know, this is the one. Yes, yes yes... I saw three of these parked outside the local Starbucks this morning, which tells me only one thing. There's too many self-Indulgent wieners in this city with too much bloody money! Now, if I was driving a 1967 275 GTB four-cam..Cage You would not be a self-indulgent weiner, sir....you'd be a connoisseurRoger the Car Salesman

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: A petty career criminal with a conscience kidnaps a baby in the name of love.
Cage Hair: Feathered and F*cking lethal complete with an epic mustache and sideburns	Cage Rating: 7.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 1

Review: Cage's Salad Days

I don't know cuss words from Shinola either. WTF is Shinola

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A roll so iconic it inspired Serbians to insert (poorly) Cage's nuclear family onto a textbook cover! Cage is a career petty criminal that can't help but rob convenience stores. Of course, Cage has a Southern Accent - his self-declared forte of accents. Cage promises to reform and become a civilized and law-abiding citizen. His first step is marrying poor Ed who's fiance (she pronounced it FEE-ance) left her and they enjoy the "Salad Days" of their marriage.

Sadly, the sun sets on Cage's "salad days" when they discover Ed is barren. These two baby hungry newlyweds turn back to Cage's life of crime to steal one of the recently born "Arizona Quintuplets", reasoning that "they don't need that many!".

Cage has some trepidation toward fatherhood, perhaps best expressed in their photo that night.The night of the baby-napping Cage is haunted by a dirty Ghost Rider bounty hunter (an unintentional foreshadowing of Cage's future role...?). As if Cage's life couldn't become more troublesome Evelle and Gale show up after Gale (played by John Goodman) escapes prison by birthing himself from a mud hole. Glen and Evelle make themselves scarce when Cage's Boss, Glen shows up with his wife (Dot) and 5 hellish children. Glen propositions Cage into swinging, to which Cage has an unfavorable response. Cage is fired from Hudsucker Industries as a consequence, the company that would later be featured in The Hudsucker Proxy

Cage's doubts regarding fatherhood come to a front when he decides to leave Ed and their recently acquired baby. But his efforts are stymied by Gale and Evelle when they learn the child has a $25,000 reward - causing truly classic Coen Brothers right scene to unfold - a scene where we learn the dangers of textured popcorn ceilings (which I loathe) when Cage scrapes his knuckles on the ceiling and cries out in pain.

A climactic chase ensues where Gale and Evelle keep leaving baby Arizona on the side of the road, and the dirty Ghost Rider Bounty Hunter tracks them down. The chase comes to a front when Cage meets dirty Ghost Rider and ultimately kills him by pulling a pin from one of the grenades attached to one of his bandoliers - creating a rather epic Cage Kill! The Rider had it coming since he threw grenades at innocent bunnies and shot cute little lizards earlier

Ed and Cage's conscience get the best of them and they return the baby. The Coen Brothers should be credited with giving Cage a massive bump in celebrity. Unfortunately, Cage found it difficult to work with the Coens, basically stating his hair was one of the very few creative choices he was allowed to make (paraphrased from an interview with James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio).

Quotes & Cagisms

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I tried to rise up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that som'bitch Reagan in the White House. Cage

My fiance left me (pronounced FEE-ance). Ed

He don't know cuss words from Shinola. Cage

Revenge is the only argument that makes any sense. Cage

I couldn't help but think a brighter future lay ahead, a future 8-14 months away. Cage

Here's the instructions. Cage (dropping "Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care" book into the back seat)

Without my say so they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire. Nathan Arizona talking about his employees

Why don't you breast feed him? You seem capable. John Goodman asking Ed

It's a crazy world. Glen Somebody outta sell tickets. Cage I'd buy one!Glen

You gotta get them dip-tet boosters yearly, otherwise they get lockjaw and night vision. Dot

It ain't armed robery if the gun ain't loaded. Cage

You're young and you got your health, what you want with a job? Evelle

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: F*ckin' Buddha
Cage Hair: "OH, My God"	Cage Rating:5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 1

Review: Does it count as a kill if Cage tells someone else where to shoot?

Based on the Philip K. Dick Novel, only not.

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Apparently this move was/is based on the Philip K. Dick Story The Golden Man. A story about a post-apocalyptic future in where mutants exist and are hunted by humans (basically X-Men). But one mutant can't be killed due to his ability to see into the future. From what I can surmise, that is the only thing this movie shares with the book on which it is ostensibly based. More likely, Nic Cage just liked the title because it had "Gold" in it. In this "adaptation" Nic Cage plays Frank Cadillac, a washed up magician in Las Vegas. His act hardly pays the bills so he gambles for supplemental income. In the first few minutes, Frank/Cage pulls in a cool $9,000 from blackjack. But, while trying to cash in his chips he prevents a robbery/double murder. Unfortunately, Frank/Cage is caught with the gun he just disarmed from the perp. He evades security using his future seeing ability, hops into a Dodge Charger (not quite Eleanor) and a chase scene ensues. This sequence involves terrible CGI and Cage obviously in a studio with a green screen. The special effects in this sequence are on par with a driving scene from The Andy Griffith Show.

Frank/Cage uses his ability to see 2 minutes into the future in his "magic" act. Which, you'd think would draw more attention since it actually seems quite magical. Alas, he plays to a small crowd of elderly people and middle-income vacationers - except Julianne Moore. Moore is an FBI agent hell-bent on partnering with Frank because he can see into the future. She's trying to get Frank to be like the "pre-cogs" in Minority Report. The problem is Frank's hair can't be caged, so his character obviously can't. Another quandary is why isn't he stuck in an infinite loop. If he can see into the future, and that changes everything, which in turn changes the future, he should be stuck in an infinite loop.

Frank is enamored by this one girl he keeps seeing in the future because her presence allowed him to see far beyond 2 minutes. The girl is Jessica Biel's character, who is nearly 20 years Cage's Junior! After the car chase scene and Frank/Cage evading Julianne Moore's character through future seeing it becomes apparent just how bonkers this movie is because it keeps going, then (spoiler!) rewinds to inform you that it was just Frank/Cage/ future seeing.

Cage finally connects with Biel's Character after future-seeing a series of botched encounters with her. All the smooth lines he uses in potential encounters are shot down, so he does the manly thing and takes a punch from her d-bag boy toy - Kendall. This move gets his foot in the door and major sympathy points from Biel. So, he cashes in those points by asking her for a ride to Flagstaff, AZ. Of course, she obliges since he's dreamy and has already won her over. You endure a litany of cheesy lines Cage uses to impress/swoon Biel. Eventually, she falls for him. But, he pauses, closes his eyes the following exchange happens:

"Wow, that was incredible" Cage
"What was?" Biel
"This" (they kiss, then take a trip to the bonezone)

We learn that Moore is after Cage to help her track down a stolen nuke that they think will be detonated in LA. Because Moore is after Cage, so are the terrorists. Which makes little sense - but so does this entire movie. Frank/Cage "Matrixes"/dodge's bullets at least twice. Unfortunately, Cage's conscious get's the best of him and he acquiesces to Moore's pleas for help. The next scene is straight out of A Clockwork Orange with Frank/Cage in front of a TV with his eyes held open by some strange apparatus. Cage mildly freaks out (the only time in the entire movie) and starts helping Moore. She then turns over the entire operation to him. Next, a shit-ton of Federal Agents descend on the terrorist stronghold with Frank/Cage walking around like a boss - telling agents where to go, where to shoot, and when.

They search the ship. Cage takes all the floors, leaving only one to the agents, one of whom is shot dead. Why couldn't Cage have just searched the entire damn ship and saved a life? In the last standoff Cage and Moore encounter the terrorist holding Biel hostage. The terrorist shoots at Cage while he Matrixes the shit out of him and Moore shoots the terrorist in the head. Cage looks onto a screen playing a newsreel (I guess this how he sees the future) and sees that he wasn't able to save LA from the nuclear blast. But with 10 mins left in the movie, we learn that well over half of it had been future-seeing. It cuts back to Cage in bed with Biel. Oh yes, because she amplifies his power he was able to see all of this! He calls Moore, tells her he'll cooperate. Then, after an epic morning in the Bonezone Cage just tells Biel that he has to leave for an important job, but that "he'll find her. It may be a week, it may be a month. But he will find her". Why not just get a damn phone number!?! Cage is calm as a Hindu Cow and slides off to presumably save LA. The credits Roll Backward from top to bottom - trippy.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Here's to world peace (doves magically apppear) Cage/Frank Cadillac

Who are you? Kendall I'm her futureCage/Frank

Did you hear about the zen master who ordered a hot dog? He said he'd have one with everything. Cage/Frank

Here's the thing about the future, every time you look at it, it changes - because you looked at it, and that changes eveything else.Cage/Frank

What do you want me to do?Cage/Frank Let them shoot you Julianne Moore's Character

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Tatooed and ripped young baker missing his left hand from a tragic case of distracted meat cutting.
Cage Hair: Classic Cage Hair from Valley Girl. Chest Hair not as manicured as Valley Girl	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 0

Review: I still don't know the significance of the title

Amputee Cage wins the heart of his brother's fianceé

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I watched this after watching Leaving Las Vegas, so my faith in Cage had deteriorated a bit. Luckily Moonstruck opens with Sinatra's "Amore" and turned out to be pretty well done. Olympia Dukakis won an Oscar for her supporting role married to Cher's copper-obsessed unfaithful plumber father. So I guess this and the previous viewing can be considered a run of Cage's "Oscar-winning films" - both of them.

A widowed Cher becomes engaged to Johnny but demands he have a ring and get down on one knee for his proposal. Johnny only has a pinky ring and is worried about ruining his suit when kneeling (other restaurant patrons are worried for his suit too). Johnny has to fly to Italy in order to tend to his dying mother. A brief dialog is exchanged about curses - which turns out is an important plot point, one I still don't fully comprehend.

Johnny calls Cher from Italy asking her to call his brother about their engagement announcement. Cher asks as though this is equivalent to the burden of Atlas. She caves and calls his brother - who turns out to be Cage! Finally, a dreadfully absent Cage shows up nearly 30-minutes in.

Cage's character, Ronny (which made me think of Shy Ronnie) is an amputee baker. Which despite it being 1987 he still wears a wooden prosthetic hand. Cage freaks out that Cher is marrying his brother because he blames his brother for the loss of his hand. Ronny firmly believes it's his brother's fault for distracting him while he was cutting meat. Now his two-handed brother is engaged - only creating further turmoil between them. Cage exclaims that Cher could lose her head married to his idiot brother, flips the kitchen table, and they take a trip to the bonezone.

Naturally the Cher-Ronny hookup occurs during a bright full moon which is supposed to responsible (in part anyway) for Cage falling in love with Cher after their hookup. Cher freaks out. Cage demands they attend the opera together stating, "If I can have the night with the thing I love (opera) and the woman I love I'll stop bothering you." At said opera, Cher runs into her father with his mistress. Cher spends the night at Cage's and her fianceé, Johnny, returns to an absent Cher.

The following morning they all gather in Cher's kitchen for oatmeal. Johnny calls off the engagement - believing the marriage would result in the death of his mother. A bold Cage asks for his brother's ring and proposes to Cher. They all drink Champagne with Alka-Seltzer even Johnny.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Bring me the knife. I'm gonna cut my throat. Cage

Nothing is anybody's fault, but things happen. Cage

Were are you taking me? Cher to Cage To the bed. Cage

I'm in love with you. Cage to Cher Snap out of it! Cher (after slapping Cage twice)

Playing it safe is the most dangerous thing a woman like you can do. Cage to Cher

I want you to come upstairs and get in my bed Cage to Cher

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: A financially irresponsible horney strung out recently unemployed screenwriter suffering from crippling alcoholism.
Cage Hair: unkempt and thinning, but legendary	Cage Rating: 4 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 1

Review: What was the Academy Thinking?

Seriously, this got him an Oscar? Outcast was better acted than this.

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I honestly can't believe this was Cage's Oscar-winning performance. What the hell? I had high expectations that were unilaterally unmet. The movie opens to a drunk Cage asking Richard Lewis for money, boldly driving and drinking from an open liquor container while a cop passes him and chugging whiskey in a strip club. All this happens for a solid 10 mins then the opening credits start.

Cage is fired from his job as a screenwriter and decides to throw out or burn all his flaming worldly possessions, but elects to leave a sweet BMX bike untouched in his house and head to Las Vegas to drink himself to death. Throughout the exposition and what turns out to be the entire f*cking movie, there's either a saxophone playing smooth/sad jazz or a piano playing a similar mood of music - often overpowering the dialogue.

Vegas is where he meets Sera (played by Elisabeth Shue) and desperately propositions her - taking her back to his $29/night hotel room (equivalent to $45/night in 2015) and starts singing while she performs oral sex on him. They both fall asleep.

Danny Huston shows up briefly as "Bartender #2" (which is only noteworthy due to him being in How to Loose Friends & Alienate People in which Simon Pegg proclaims Con Air to be the greatest movie ever). Sera is scouring the city looking for Cage. I guess it doesn't occur to her to just camp out at his dilapidated hotel room. At this point cut scenes are thrown in where it appears as though Sera is talking with a therapist or something - recounting her experience with Cage. I think this was added in post production in an attempt to provide some narrative and context for the viewer. Without these cut scenes, the movie would have made even less sense.

Sera asks Cage to move in with her because she's lonely and needs a place to hang his hat while continuing on his booze-fueled downward spiral to death. Sera gives Cage a flask - further enabling his habit. Cage get's the shakes one evening climbs into Sera's bed to be the little spoon.

This movie just continues on a series of disjointed scenes where Sera is attempting to work as a prostitute, Cage is getting drunk, or the two are hanging out. At one point, Cage gets headbutted in a bar only to show up at Sera's all bloody where she wastes no time making out with a bloody-faced Cage. I honestly think this was just a license for Cage to just be crazy and dress in mid 90's appropriate attire.

Eventually Sera pleas for Cage to stop drinking. To which, he responds by eating ice cubes with chopsticks and later bedding down with a different prostitute in a hotel room (Sera walks in on him). I was continually wondering what the point of this movie was and kept hoping for it be over long before it was. I can't believe Cage followed up this unremarkable performance with his best (by my estimation) role The Rock.

Quotes & Cagisms

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You're so cute and I'm really good in bed. Cage (he isn't BTW)

I'm a bit shakey. I just had brain surgery. Cage (with no visible cranial scars so it's obvious he's lying)

...Just because, because, because, Bill Cosby! Cage (singing while Sera felates him)

I thought we'd go shopping, pick out a pair of jeans and 45 pairs of underwear - just throw out a pair each day. Cage

I'm a prickly pear! Cage (after drunkingly falling into a glass table)

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Suicidal secret agent sporting a clipped ear suffering from frontotemporal dementia
Cage Hair: Age Appropriate!	Cage Rating: 4.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 3

Review: FTD is a License for Craziness

Wait...is this...Yeah, I think this is actually good?

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Essentially Cage is a CIA/Secret agent that was tortured by some terrorist in the Middle East. Said terrorist was thought to have been killed during Cage's extraction. But for 22 years Cage hasn't believed it. During the torture sequence Banir (the terrorist) cut's Cage's right ear in a very similar way to how animal shelters clip the ears of strays to indicate they have been neutered - maybe some other parts of Cage were clipped to?

Cut to present day where Anton Yelchin/Checkov is a desk jockey as the same agency as Cage. Chekov is itchy to get out in the field and sees Cage's obsession with the long thought dead terrorist as his avenue to do just that. Chekov puts together that Banir is still alive from a doctor supplying drugs to a supposed Nigerian in Romania (location is responsible for a great quote. Read below)

The two head to Romania on an unsanctioned trip. Cage's FTD (Frontotemporal Dementia) causes him to wear an incredibly obnoxious hat and wander around Bucharest spouting random numbers. He also gets the shakes from time to time, which are a mixture of his withdrawal scenes from Leaving Las Vegas and Ash's hand turning evil in Evil Dead.

They connect with the doctor and Cage poses as him to meet Banir in Mombasa (another fantastic related quote below). Cage pulls of a mostly believable Romanian accent (certainly better than that of Outcast but not as good as Con Air). Cage doesn't kill Banir at first. But, when Banir's goons open fire at a hotel pool Cage goes crazy and takes out Banir in what has to be one of the most epic kill scenes ever filmed to date. Without any weapon, Cage graphically eye gouges Banir to death using his index finger. While driving back to his hotel in Mombasa, a content Cage calmly turns his van into oncoming traffic on the highway in what we are to assume is his death.

Quotes & Cagisms

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What in the name of Jesus Christ nailed to the cross are you doing here? Cage

Those are drugs for crazy people...that's not me Cage

It's come out. It's in his blood. Cage

Nobody can hide from the reaper. Cage

Let me just check something. Yep, I'm in Romania. This whole damn country is a f*cking smoking section! Cage

I know where the damn hotel is okay. Stop trying to put a bib on me okay! Cage

Mombasa. The asshole of East Africa Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Rolls Royce Driving immortal wig wearing apprentice of Merlin who wanders the world looking for special kids
Cage Hair: Carbon Copy of Season of the Witch	Cage Rating: 5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review: Physics = Wizardy

The only movie about wizards/sorceres involving a car chase.

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According to IMDB, the idea for this movie was largely that of Cage's, as he wanted to "explore a mystical world with a magical character". So naturally, they adapted an old Disney Animated Short (Fantasia) and "Bruckheimered" it by adding explosions and a car chase. This basically provided a premise for Cage to wave his hands around mysteriously and wear a sweet leather trench coat. The Production also leveled a small forest to produce the requisite 1000 lbs of confetti for the Chinatown sequence.

Cage plays an apprentice of Merlin, who is caught in a pseudo "love triangle" with the other two apprentices - three apprentices seems like a lot, but then again this is Merlin. An evil sorceress shows up and Cage traps his love interest and her in a Russian babushka doll. Cage is stuck in an ageless state wandering the world looking for some child prophet that will grow to be as powerful as Merlin was. That's how the story ends up in the year 2000, then 2010.

Per a conversation in the "one of a kind" Rolls Royce Phantom (Cage's own car he offered up for shooting) sorcerers are basically Limitless - using 100% of their brain (humans only using 10% of their brain is a common misconception).

Cage's apprentice Dave (played by Jay Baruchel) learns a bit of magic and employs it to clean his secret laboratory, paying homage to the original fantasia, as well as a scene from The Sword and the Stone. Neither of these is technically a "rip-off" since the "inspiration" material is also Disney's.

When not driving his snap start Rolls, Cage flys around the city on a metal gargoyle eagle turning wolves into puppies, and picking up the Meryl Lynch Bull. Dave/Jay employs the use of physics to defeat the nebulous foe by outfitting the Rolls with a button actuated Tesla Coil (Dave's specialty and reason for having a secret lab).

Cage appeared to care a bit for this one - offering up a decent performance that was mostly entertaining. It's no classic by any means. But, as far as "kid's movies" go (I assume that was the intended audience), this is far more entertaining than some of the garbage Hollywood produces for the under 10 crowd.

The moral of this classic Disney Tale adaptation is: stay in school, get the girl, learn magic, save the f*cking day.

Quotes & Cagisms

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It's not you, he's been like this for 1000 years. Cage

Unless you want him to turn you into a pig that just looooooves physcis, you better help me find that doll! Cage

She missed me. Cage (After starting his Rolls Royce Phantom by snapping his fingers)

These are old man shoes. Jay/Dave Excuse Me! Cage (slightly crazy eyes)

You think I'm teaching you magic tricks for some girl's tea party? Cage

I've only seen one sorcerer successfully pull of human fusion. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Shellshocked WWII with balance problems marine reluctantly stuck on "babysitting" duty for a Navajo code talker risks his life in the Pacific.
Cage Hair: Military grade Legendary	Cage Rating: 8 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 7	Kills: 90

Review: Solemn Marine and Happy Navajo Save the F*ckin' Day

Where's the doves? Woo deviates from the "Dove" formula in this WWII flick.

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I wasn't sure to expect fromt his Woo/Cage flick, or from Christian Slater for that matter. Essentially, Cage is a the lone survivor of a skirmish who is tasked as the "body guard" of a Navajo code talker. Cage is pissed about the detail, but his nihilist commander (Peter Stormare) doesn't give him any choice.

Cage employs the assistance of a hottie nurse that is obviously crushing hard on him in order to pass a hearing test and get put back on active duty. Typical Cage, exploiting his charming good looks to get what he wants. Magically, Cage is healed and running on the beach just like Chariots of Fire.

Poor Cage is partnered with a clumsy but super friendly Navajo code talker - Ben. Slater is partnered with a protege Navajo flutist, who he's totally taken by. Slater and the flutists have serveral harmonica/flute jam sessions before Slater is decapitated by a Katana (SPOILER!) in a battle.

Cage has to endure a number of battles, not the least of which is getting artillery fire from other marines - bit a whoops on the USMC's part. Cage displays his epic commitment to the national cause when offering to pose as POW with Code Talker Ben posing as a Japanese soldier so they could get to a radio.

Slowly, the USMC marches on - taking control of a "strategic" pacific island. Cage has a license to kill "japs" (and Navajo if they fall into Japanese hands). Cage plays it cool and distant while Ben keeps his jovial demeanor. Eventually these two are going to become friends. Jon Woo and Cage were too preoccupied with explosions, gunfire, and locating iconic "Woo" doves to come up with an unpredictable plot.

Eventually Cage has to kill Ben's code talker friend when USMC is ambushed by "crafty japs". Cage runs out of rounds so he resorts to a grenade - killing the code talking flutist and 6 japs (commendable efficiency on Cage's jap killin' there). It's bit vexing why Cage didn't procure one of the numerous guns on the ground from any one of the slain soldiers? Cage could have saved the flutist had he only taken a moment to see the buffet of guns around him. Had he done this, it wouldn't have caused the interpersonal strife between himself and jovial Ben...

Some stock footage of warships firing giant guns works its way into a few of the battle montages. I guess they exhausted the budget on explosions and failed dove trainers to worry about good war footage. Jovial Ben stomps through a mine field leading the USMC into a true pickle. Cage channels his inner Cameron Poe by delcaring nobody else is gonna die (after nearly everyone else in his company had already died). Cage and Ben "Save the F*ckin day". Cage dies, but Ben and Mark Ruffalo survive!

Quotes & Cagisms

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You didn't hear a word I said. Hottie Nurse That's what happens to a man when he's talking to a beautiful woman. Cage

I best serve the corp by killing japs, not babysitting some Indian. Cage

IT's no Chianti I"ll tell you that. It's rice wine. (technically it was Saki) Cage

What a magical pile of Navajo horse shit! Cage

Yeah, I'm a good f*ckin' Marine. Cage

What kind of a name is Enders? Ben Used to be Endrophenie until some asshole at Ellis Island got a hold of it. Cage

No one else is gonna die Ben! (except for a ton more Japanese and Cage) Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Sexually frustrated nervous wreck/confident newly successful screenwriter
Cage Hair: Thinning Ginger-Puss Pube Head	Cage Rating: 7.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 1

Review: This Get's Meta!

You are what you love. Not what loves you - Charlie Kaufman/Cage

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"Adaptation" was nominated for four academy awards with Cage receiving a nomination for Best Actor. Sadly, he was up against Adrien Brody for The Pianist and Daniel Day-Lewis for Gangs of New York, so he didn't really have much of a chance. Chris Cooper picked up the best supporting role though, and Meryl Streep was also nominated.

Nic Cage deviates from his roles as a sexed opera enthusiast, amputee baker, Flaming Demon, and Sexy Demin Drifter to play perhaps his least attractive role as Charlie Kaufman (who is a real Hollywood screenwriter). What's more, Charlie/Cage has an equally unattractive identical twin (his brother Marc Coppola often served as a stand-in for his twin). This movie might be worth watching for the sheer amount of time Cage is on screen - often Cage x 2! There's even a point where we see Cage playing Donald who is acting as Charlie - whoa! That's about as trippy as Cage as Travolta playing Cage in Face/Off.

Essentially, this is a meta-movie in that it's about Charlie Kaufman's struggling journey in adapting The Orchid Thief for a the big screen and how he ultimately writes the adaptation about his struggles with the adaptation of the book. Has your brain exploded yet?

Cage is incredibly awkward (not his smooth and suave self from Next). He frequently dreams of sexual encounters with women in his life that he doesn't have the balls to ask out on a proper date. Meanwhile Donald Kaufman, Charlie's Twin (also played by Cage and the only fictional person to ever receive an oscar nomination) hits it off with Maggie Gyllenhaal and has a budding career as a screenwriter.

Charlie travels to NY to meet with Streep's character (the author of "The Orchid Thief") but ends up spying on her in a creepy voyeuristic way - going so far as to follow her to Florida where she has a scandalous romantic rendezvous with Cooper's character (who is missing his front teeth BTW) and rips fat rails of an orchid derived drug. Streep does fat lines of the fine Floridian Flake multiple times in order to feel passionate about "something".

Both Charlie and Donald followed Streep's character to Florida. Charlie get's caught pulling a "peeping tom". Streep is tripping balls on Orchid and surmises that the only solution to the scenario is killing Charlie. They take him to the swamp where Cooper hunts for orchids with the intent of killing him and leaving his body for the alligators.

In a classic cage of Dues ex Machina, Charlie is saved by his brother hiding in the back seat. They fall asleep behind a log and wait until morning. When walking out Donald is shot by Cooper. Charlie and Donald speed off in their Ford Taurus only to get into a nasty collision with a park ranger that results in Donald flying through the windshield and dying (Always wear your seatbelt folks - they save lives). Charlie runs into the swamp again where another case of the Dues ex Machina plot device plays out in the form of Cooper being killed by an alligator.

Charlie finally rubs some AndroGel on his nonexistent coin purse and asks out his original love interest.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Charlie Cage

All I do is sit on my fat ass. If I weren't fat I'd be happier. Charlie Cage

I don't wanna cram sex, guns, or car chases into this. Charlie Cage (ironic since that's all Cage does in his movies now)

I'm probably the smartest person I know. Chris Cooper

I meant to ask you, I need a cool way to kill people. Donald Cage

F*ck you lady. YOu're just and old lonely pathetic desperate drug addict. Charlie Cage to Streep

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Out of touch father with delusions of grandeur tries to make right by killing the man responsible for the death of his wife/daughter's mother.
Cage Hair: Naturally colored age appropriate slightly receding Segal accompanied by a World Trade Center mustache	Cage Rating: 8 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 13.5

Review: Good Call Baby Doll!

Never leave your gay taser cartridge at a crime scene - Hit Girl (paraphrased)

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In a world where The Spirit was so successful they turned it into a trilogy comes the story of a loner high school student and a father-daughter duo coming together to take down the local drug kingpin. Cage nonchalantly described the experience of being shot to his daughter while she's wearing a flak jacket preparing to be shot by her Cage. Meanwhile, A-aron Johnson gets stabbed and hit by a car while trying to live out his fantasy of becoming a superhero. This incident leaves his nervous system damaged to the point where he can no longer feel pain.

Cage, funded by a seemingly endless stream of cash from assets seized during drug busts (done by him and Hit Girl) holes up in a tiny apartment filled to the brim with guns and assorted weapons. Cage "borrows" heavily from Batman's suit for his superhero alter ego - "Big Daddy". Cage spends his spare time drawing detailed comic artwork of the McLovin's dad who is a drug kingpin.

Cage is simply a well-meaning father who fully owns the "Dad" look, complete with dated attire, out of style haircut and glasses, but one hell of an epic mustache and dry sense of humor. The feature hero, Kick-Ass, has to be bailed out of a scenario by Hit Girl - Cage's daughter. A partnership is forged and Kick-Ass measures his success not by criminals stopped or people saved, but by followers/fans on MySpace! If not for the mention of MySpace this movie wouldn't seem so dated.

Kick-Ass and Big Daddy get double crossed by McLovin and Cage has a truly epic freakout while he's burning alive (understandable). Cage is burned to the point where his lips are burned off and he has to speak like a ventriloquist to utter his dying words to his daughter - Hit Girl. Hit Girl then goes on an epic killing spree - similar to that of Colin Firth in The Kingsman (If you haven't watched it yet, drop what you're doing and watch it. Firth is amazing!).

Kick-Ass saves the f*ckin' day by showing up on a jetpack with dual Gatling guns then using an RPG launcher to blow McLovin's father through a plate glass window and into the city skyline where he is "disappeared" (reference to Stolen) by the fired RPG in a fantastic explosion. McLovin's father totally deserved it for having his henchmen microwave a guy earlier (great scene BTW)

If Cage had a more prominent role in this it would be classic in the Cage Cannon. It's got over the top violence and gore, copious profanity and offensive language, and a barely believable plot.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Why hasn't someone tried becoming a super hero? A-aron I dunno, probably because it's f*cking impossible dipsh*tClark (from "The Office")

You're gonna be fine baby doll! Cage just before shooting his daughter

Good call baby doll! Cage

I'm just f*cking with you daddy! Hit Girl to Cage

That is one gay looking taser. Hit Girl to Kick-Ass

I'm just a stupid dick in a wetsuit Kick-Ass to himself

If you need us contact the mayor. He has a light he shines in the shape of a giant cock. Hit Girl to Kick-Ass

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Well intentioned, but non-committal boyfriend
Cage Hair: Classy as F*ck	Cage Rating: 7.2 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 6	Kills: 0

Review: Cage Saved this F*ckin' Movie

This not funny "comedy" is only watchable because of Cage...

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Okay, I watched this awhile ago and forgot to write/document it...

Basically, Cage has been avoiding marriage because of a promise made to his dying mother - which is an odd dying wish for your next of kin. Of course, this plays out when his longtime girlfriend and grade school teacher gives him an ultimatum.

Classy Cage elects to elope to Vegas for their shotgun marriage. Cage, of course, gets roped into a poker game wherein he becomes deeply indebted to Caan, which is all part of Caan's plan. Caan is smitten with SJP due to her uncanny resemblance to a long lost love his. Caan creates a bed of lies in order to swoon SJP into marrying him. Also, I think he constructs a scenario in which Stockholm Syndrom starts to take hold of SJP.

The major plot hole is how did SJP keep her job as a school teacher? She's gone for weeks, WEEKS!. That school district most certainly canned her on her 2nd "No Call. No Show".

Poor Cage has to drain his bank account, emotional, and physical resources to win SJP back. Mr. Miagi is of no help either...

Cage eventually lands a flight to vegas and gets to live out what I am sure was his personal dream by sky diving out of an airplane in an electrified/lit up Elvis jump suit. As usual, Cage saves the f*ckin' day and this movie. Any other male lead and this would have been a total loser. Sometimes, the only prescription for success comes from Dr. Cage...

Quotes & Cagisms

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I wanna get you into that room, tear that bedspread off and... YOU-HOO! CAN I GET A ROOM Cage

Then What!? I'll get arrested? Put in airport jail?!!! Cage

I dreamt about my mother again last nightCage Was she vacuuming naked?SJP No. She opened her eyes and I said, 'Mom, I'm gonna marry that girl,' and she smiled.Cage ReallySJP Yeah. Of course she was nakedCage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character:Same as Next, only with different hair.
Cage Hair:Highlighted Receding Segal	Cage Rating:3 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 31

Review: Never disrobe before a gunfight

This is what a schizophrenic mind projected onto film looks like - Tom

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Orginally the story was written about a 70-year-old. But, when Cage expressed interest producers jettisoned that notion and altered the story so the age of the main character (John Milton) was irrelevant. In an interview, Cage stated he expressed interest precisely because of the sequence wherein John Milton gets his eye shot out. Apparently there was a similar scene in "Season of the Witch", but it was cut to maintain a PG-13 rating.

Also, "Drive Angry" is a misnomer. Cage is a little confused and slightly irritated throughout the entire film, sometimes just "out to lunch" - definitely not angry. Maybe he became angry after it set the record for the lowest opening weekend of a 3D movie - ever!

The summary on IMDB is a bit incorrect. This movie is about a father who escapes from hell in a muscle car to track down the dickless devil worshiping cult leader that killed his daughter and kidnaped his granddaughter. There's an attractive female supporting lead just for kicks and giggles.

Opening credits/exposition is mainly low-budget CGI with some narration by William Fichtner wherein we see John Milton escaping hell in some sort of muscle car. The utter insane nature of this film becomes apparent during the opening chase scene which involves a Ford 150 flipping over a stopped Buick Regal with all three passengers of the truck remaining conscious. The blatant disregard of fundamental physics is but one of many oversights.There's obvious pandering to the 3D in the opening sequence, but it's abandoned until the final scene. So the movie should be "Drive Somewhat Annoyed: in 3D (but just for a bit). It's almost as if the filmmakers forgot that it was in 3D until the very end scene and were like "Oh, Sh*t, we need to add some more 3D stuff!"

Piper, played by Amber Heard, is talking with her coworker (April from "East Bound and Down") about her loser, unemployed boyfriend she coerced into proposing to her by withholding sex. Pro-tip: if you have to convince anyone to marry you, let alone by withholding sexual activities, maybe they aren't the best life partner. The manager of the restaurant gets upset at Piper, so she grabs his cojones in full view of the patrons, quits and walks out. This is actually an important part, in that her quitting allows her to go on the impromptu road trip with Milton/Cage.

Prior to this, Cage briefly makes out with April/Katy Mixon but tosses her aside when she botches his coffee order by forgetting the sugar (which is on his table). We next see Piper driving her sweet Dodge Charger down the road singing along with the track that I assume is named "F*ck the Pain Away". Piper's car breaks down, but luckily Cage is in the woods nearby and shows up to help her out. He gives something in the engine compartment a quarter turn and they're back on the road. That's right, Piper isn't the least bit creeped out by the sudden appearance of Cage, but actually agrees to give this creepy dude with highlighted hair plugs a ride!

When Piper walks in on her winner of a boyfriend in the bonezone with some other woman she freaks out! Honestly, what did she expect would happen when withholding sex from a horny not quite Stone Cold Steve Austin? Of course, this scene involved nudity at only 14 minutes, which is 1 minute sooner than "Valley Girl". Piper drags "not quite Stone Cold's" new lover outside and knocks her out.

Eventually, we're introduced the villain, Jonah King, through a flashback. King kidnaps a baby from Milton/Cage's daughter and forces her to perform oral sex. She bites his wang off and stabs him with his pentagram(ish) pendant. King responds by slicing her throat then face waterfalling himself with her blood.

Shortly after the flashback, the two roll into the family-friendly restaurant/motel named "Bull by the Balls". Piper eyes the biggest pudge in the place to take back to her room where he's fully nude painting her toenails. Meanwhile, Cage is loudly in the bonezone with Candy, their waitress from the previous scene. What ensues is the second best bonezone/gunfight action sequence ever filmed.

Milton and Piper are somehow able to track down King where the iconic eye-shooting out scene occurs, which gives King the opportunity to kidnap Piper. King and his cronies are able to haul ass out of the scene in an RV that would be the envy of Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation. King declares he's gonna kill Piper and "defile her corpse". King falls victim to the same pendant stabbing for a second time. It's quite a curiosity how this tool became a leader if he can't employ basic common sense and ditch the one accessory that has caused him the most pain.

Milton/Cage has quite the command of the local geography, particularly for having no idea where the town is that he's heading to. He splits off from the fleeing RV with the dickless kidnapping deviant, only to meet up with them later and rescue Piper - who it a bit astonished that he's alive (minus an eye). The timeline gets a bit fuzzy, but at one point a chase scene with Fichtner/The Accountant crosses, what appears to be a mile long bridge. Fichtner's real feat is driving a truck with a giant tank of hydrogen through a police blockade following lock-step with the rule: If there's car in this movie it will flip over at some point. Also, Fichtner has the most racist line perhaps ever uttered in a non-historical cinematic history (see below)

Finally, the climatic conclusion occurs - complete with inexplicable nudity. Only 2-3 of Dickless King's followers were in their full birthday suits. Cage saves the day in a muscle car using his "God Gun" to kill Jonah King in a spectacular psychedelic 3D explosion . We end with Milton/Cage drinking a beer out of King's freshly cleaned out skull and Fichtner and Cage drive off into Hell together. The End Credits Roll to "Drive Angry" which was written and performed by Cage's son, Weston Cage.

Quotes & Cagisms

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If I see that big ole' dick near my face again Imma bite it in half. Piper (Talking about not quite Stone Cold)

I always feel a little randy with a full moon April/Katy Mixon It's not a full moon Milton/Cage

2 days, but that's like a decade in horny f*cker years.Piper

You think you can find a better man in Florida? Hell No! Texas - maybe. Not Quite Stone Cold Steve Austin

Why does everyon keep hurting me? Not Quite Stone Cold Steve Austin (after being crucified with a broken baseball bt)

I never disrobe before a gunfight Milton/Cage

Dickless made you swear not to tell anyone, right?Milton/Cage

Looks like you're serving two masters!The Accountant (to a black state trooper, which is super racist!)

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Crooked Cop addicted to pain killers, cocaine, and hookers tries to solve a murder and "right" some "wrongs"
Cage Hair: lengthy legendary with shaved sideburns and a touch of receding segal	Cage Rating: 8.5 cages out of 10
Freakouts: 7	Kills: 0

Review: When Cage is on, he's so f*cking on!

Cage looks like a man who needs to be on vicodin in this - Donald

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A post-Katrina New Orleans harbors the most insane law enforcement officer to every walk with a gun in his trousers - Nic f*ckin' Cage! Cage and Herzog may be a perfect pairing in that Herzog does some weird "artsy" stuff with reptilian imagery. Herzog is too preoccupied with his reptilian cinematography to pay attention to Cage's character, who is totally unhinged.

Cage devlops a chronic back pain for which he is prescribed Vicodin, from which he quickly graduates to Peruvian flake. What's more, Cage is playing a character in the south, but doesn't have his iconic southern accent! Instead, he talks like his mouth is still numb from just receiving a root canal (and maybe still under the influence of the laughing gas...). Cage also walks around with his dirty harry pistol stuck in his belt - not properly holstered like every other one of his colleagues. I'm not an expert in firearms or law enforcement requirements thereof, but I'm pretty sure having your firearm "holstered" in one's belt is not acceptable.

The story and events are just as unhinged as Cage's character. At one point, Cage is inhaling smoke from a clubgoer he stopped. He soon starts making out with said clubgoer and receives a violent hand job while firing his gun in the air (see quote below). The next scene Cage is questioning an old woman about her grandson when the grandson randomly climbs in the window.

Cage is basically on a mission to score drugs in any way possible, and solve the murder if he has time/feels like it. Cage also has a gambling problem. None of Cage's coworkers catch on to the fact that he's trippin' balls on cocaine most of the time. Cage has a license to freely roam about the city trying to solve a murder. It's rather impressive Cage is able to sustain his drug and gambling habit while barely functioning at a human level, let alone successfully pull off a murder investigation.

Eventually, Cage's shenanigans catch up with him and he's stuck in the evidence room. Which works well for him to score drugs from evidence. While on this assignment he cleverly aligns himself with Xzibit. Cage hardly bats an eye as Xzibit's cronies dump a body in the harbor. Cage double crosses Xzibit after X kills off a mobster Cage owes money too.

A string of good fortune assuages the debts and problems Cage has gotten himself into. Whether Cage pulled this off intentionally, or he's just one lucky coke-snorting-SOB is up for debate.

You'd think the string of good luck would set Cage on the right track, but he starts on the same old path he was at the beginning of the movie. Apparently this is a sequel to Bad Lieutenant with Harvey Keitel. Since it wasn't directed by Herzog I may actually want to watch it. Oh, and Val Kilmer is in this (before he "Blew up")

Quotes & Cagisms

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I feel a bet coming on. Should we open the casino?Cage

Please what, shitbird? Cage

Please what, shit turd? Cage

Hey man, I got on swiss cotton underpantds. Cost me $55 a pair. Cage

I'm a lieutenant in the police department. Hello! Cage

You stand there and you watch! Cage (as he gets a handjob from a poor clubgoer's girlfriend while firing his gun in the air)

I need the coke back. I snorted what I thought was coke, turned out to be herion. Cage

Who are you? Stranger I'm the last person in the world you want me to be. Cage

I love it. I just love it! Cage (with a sh*t eating grin)

Don't try to impress me with that "father knows some guinea hood sh*t". Cage

Maybe you should drop dead you selfish cunt...you're the reason this country is going down the f*cking drain! Cage (talking to an elderly stateswoman)

A man without a gun, that's not a man. Cage

What are these f*ckin’ iguanas doing on my coffee table? Cage

Hey midget. Light the caucasian's rock Xzibit

Shoot him again...his soul's still dancing. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: MIT astrophysicist struggling with the meaning of life uses sign language to communicate with this hearing impared son.
Cage Hair: Hybrid of "Receding Segal" and "Oh My God!" - perfection!	Cage Rating: 7 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 4.5	Kills: 0

Review: What the F*ck is a Microtesla?

Sh*t Just Happens - Professor Cage

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I don't always judge a movie by the previews, but when I do the previews serve as a good barometer. "Knowing" had some solid previews, one if which is another "Cage Joint" - Astro Boy. Astro Boy looks decent, basically a Disney version of Iron Man...Wait. Disney own's Marvel. So, a Dreamworks version of Iron Man.

I like to think this movie also takes place in the Trespass universe. Ben Mendelson plays a colleague of Professor Cage. Before Cage becomes a professor, he was a diligent PI in 8mm. Cage lost his family and became a diamond dealer in Trespass where Ben robs him. Cage, fed up with the diamond life applies himself in the field of astrophysics (like his character in The Sorcerers Apprentice) to the point of being able to travel back in time/to an alternate reality where Ben and him are now friends (due to the bond they forged during the hostage scenario in Trespass). The problem is that Professor Cage's time travel opened a rift in the space-time continuum causing a solar flare of several "microteslas" to destroys the planet. That's the story I wish was being told...it wasn't.

This movie is legitimately creepy. A young seemingly possessed girl is hearing whispers. Thankfully I had the company of our two dogs to keep me safe from what I thought was starting as a horror/sci-fi movie. Said girl writes seemingly random numbers on a piece of paper to put in a time capsule. Professor Cage's slightly deaf son gets that same paper when the capsule is opened 5 decades later. So, the paper and pencil transfer the "possession". Professor Cage is oblivious at first, finding solace in his nights with whiskey and TiVo. Professor C. sets his whiskey glass down on the number sheet where it creates a water/whiskey ring around 9/11/01 - oh snap!

Professor Cage goes manic on google, searching for dates on the sheet, but uses MapQuest to find lat/long coordinates. A true astrophysicist wouldn't use MapQuest. Cage discovers some dates that haven't occured yet. Expectedly, disasters occur as predicted on the sheet - complete with terrible CGI. I guess most of the movie budget was blown on Professor Cage so they had to hire an intern from some small liberal arts college to do all the CGI.

Professor C's son is being followed by a creepy dude with bleached blond hair who hands out polished black rocks and shows up in his son's nightmarish visions. Cage goes into creepy Zandalee stalker mode on Rose Byrne, then turns on the Next charm when coming clean about his stalker tendencies - inviting them out for ice cream. Cage buys a gun and reads the manual after sighting the blondie stalker.

Rose, her daughter, Professor Cage, and his son take a field trip to the creepy ass abandoned trailer in the woods where Rose's mother Overdosed (Roses's mother was the creepy girl at the exposition). The creepy trailer scene well filmed with a Point-of-view approach.

Creepy stalker dude shows up in the woods where Professor Cage grabs his gun (it's okay he's read the manual) and chases him down. Stalker blinds Professor C with a light emitted from his oral cavity. Cage discovered a model he ran for some outlying solar system will happen to our sun. Rose suggests they go to the Cave's for protection so they can become the family in The Croods. Cage discovers flares of several Microteslas (µT) will set the world afire. Which, if 1 microtesla = .001 Teslas, a several microtesla solar flare doesn't seem like a big deal - WRONG! During solar "quiet times" the disturbance to Earth's magnetic fields is ±20 nT (Nanoteslas, nT), solar super-storms produce a disturbance of > -250 nT. So, a solar flare causing a disturbance of several µT (1 µT/Micro Teslas = 1000 nT)would indeed be catostrophic. The science checks out, good work Cage!

Cage drives like a boss with gun in hand to track down his kidnapped son. At this point, the creepy oral-light-emitting dude has kidnapped Professor C and Roes's children. Rose dies in pursuit. Cage finds them with the creepy stalker guys and each kid has a pet white rabbit now. The children are chosen by aliens and dropped off on CGI planet presumably to repopulate it - w/o any knowledge of reproduction other than watching their pet rabbits. So, their bunny pets are an allegory for the amount of sex these two kids are going to be required to have in order to repopulate their alien planet.

Professor C and family die in a fiery hellscape. Solid Cage performance with deity like hair and Einstein-like intelligence. Cage is a true National Treasure.

Quotes & Cagisms

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What do you believe? Student (not Liam Hemsworth) Sh*t just happens. Professor Cage

Remember? The Ph Doubld D's? Cage's Colleague

She said you're intriguing, which I always thought was code for gay. But, apparnetly not, she wants you to join us for dinner. Cage's Colleague

At what age do we learn to knock? Professor CAge

You said you'd take him off my hands Professor Cage talking about his son to his sister in front of his son.

I have a prophecy. I need you to respect it! Professor Cage

The cave's won't save you.Professor Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Veteran Cryptographer teacher for CIA
Cage Hair: refined professor trying to hide his age	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out of 10 (for his subdued nature)
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review

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Sadly, there wasn't enough Cage in this one. A solid adaptation of real events it was. Just not enough Cage. JGL nailed Snowden's speech pattern/inflection a little too well. The subject matter/events were disturbing enough. Watching/listening to JGL's near perfect impersonation of Snowden was almsot too much. I wish there had been more Cage in this film. Alas, his character was ancillary to the story so more screen time for the Dr. Cage would have felt forced. Cage's performance was more subudued than his other recent "works". He expressed a calmness of Cameron Poe with some tendencies toward alcohol consumption akin to his character from Leaving Las Vegas.

Snowden "lore" points toward Cage's character being based on a mentor relationship Snowden develoepd while training at/for the NSA. If that's the case, then Cage really got shafted out of some serious screen time. To think, Cage could have had a "Memphis Raines" "Let's Ride" moment while getting stoicly pumped to "Low Rider". Not that any of the aforementioned scene would have fit into the Snnowden narrative, it should would have been f*$king awesome to see a classic Cage performance.

Snowden is totally worth watching and I would recommend it despite the lack of screen time for Sir. Dr. Cage...

Quotes & Cagisms

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So, You're, um, an engineer? Snowden Am I an engineer? Instructor and counselor, too. I'm supposed to keep an eye on you CTs, make sure you don't buckle under the pressure. Turn to drugs and booze.Cage/Forrester Well, you won't have that problem with me. I don't drink or do drugs.Snowden What's your sin of choice? Cage/Forrester Uh, computers Snowden Well, then, Snowden, you've come to the right little whorehouse. Cage/Forrester

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Steadfast Alaska State Tropper determined to catch the bad guy
Cage Hair: A legnedary as it can be at his age.	Cage Rating: 7.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 0

Review: How Did this Fly Under the Radar?

I think we might be looking at a Cagaissance!

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Okay, so unlike "The Runner" this WAS based on actual events (which puts it into a similarly creepy realm as Zodiac - it's no Fincher film though). Cage plays an Alaska State Trooper closing in on his last two weeks. Cusack is creepy as f*ck, and 50-cent plays a mildly ethical pimp. After watching some truly tragic Cage performances I was in need of something to revive my faith in Cage. After watching this I'm wondering if Cage is pulling a McConaughey (The McConaissance). Cage is slotted to be in Snowden, if he harnesses the same energy he did in this, we might be looking at a Cagaissance!

Cage is thrust into a case during his last two weeks as an Alaska State Trooper. Cage is able to connect some rudimentary dots, then becomes a damn savant at picking out cold cases involving similar victims. Cage employs the help of his buddy "Doherty" from Rage - the same buddy involved in the following exchange (from Rage):

Why aren't you at your house? Cage Because you don't bang strippers at your house Doherty

So, clearly Doherty knows about strippers. Which translates well to knowing the local prostitution scene in Anchorage. Cage and Doherty hunt down the last victim of serial murderer. Said victim, Cindy gets pressured into smoking some crystal meth by another "woman of the night" to assuage the pressure of dancing in one of Anchorage's seedier bars (Cindy is a prostitute, who of course has "daddy/parent issues"). Cindy, freaks out when Cusack shows up (SPOILER!) - removing any doubt the viewer may have had about creepy Cusack being the murderer Cage is looking for.

When Cusack catches sight of Cindy he sets people out to hunt her down. Cindy, while being chased decides to rip some fat rails of Peruvian flake off the toilet in a shi*tty women's bathroom in order to cope with the stress. In Cindy's haste she ends up overdosing on Columbian snow and finds herself in the hospital. Meanwhile 50 cent/Curtis James Jackson III is trying to track Cindy down to settle a debt.

A climatic conclusion starts to build when Cindy escapes from her hospital room to be found by 50/Pimp Clate Johnson. Cindy calls Cage in desperation, to which Cage instructs her to go to a Clate's house, instead of the police station - why? Eventually, Cage get's Cusack to cave and back himself into a corner during an interrogation (meanwhile the police are turning Cusack's residence upside down looking for evidence).

This is one solid suspense/thriller! Cage dug down and pulled out a damn solid performance. If only he'd continued on the tragectory that this, Joe, and Dying of the Light had set him on...

Quotes & Cagisms

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I'm gonna shut this sh*thole down! Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Unhinged paranoid asthmatic carrying a bedazzled inhaler who likes white track suits and can't stand the taste of metal silverware.
Cage Hair: Thinning High-and-Tight with a Goatee	Cage Rating: 3.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 6	Kills: 2

Review: What's the what?

B.A.D. Balls. Attitude. Direction

---

There's a disappointing amount of Cage in this movie. He shows up shortly, then disappears for the next 22 minutes. Which is acceptable since there are so many good actors in this piece of garbage. Caruso was totally outclassed and comes off as a total "Rube". There are numerous scenes where actors just repeat lines in what seems like an attempt to fill silence - saying the line with more emphasis the second time.

I wanted to think this was at least 'okay' back in 1995, but Se7en, Braveheart, Apollo 13, and The Usual Suspects were all released that year, so it is actually a terrible movie. Despite Caruso getting sh*t on and being the victim the entire movie, I still was not rooting for him and hoping Cage would reform and become a good guy or something. Even if that meant he would have to give up his days bench pressing strippers.

Sam Jackson plays a good cop that was shot by the same bullet Caruso tried to stop earlier in the movie resulting in an overactive tear duct - making him seem a bit 'bond villain-ish'

Caruso ends up serving time in prison, during which his wife (played by Helen Hunt) is roofied and gets killed in a car crash. So, classy Caruso marries his daughters babysitter from before he went to prison (played by Kathryn Erbe). Caruso resorts back to a life of crime, but is "undercover", serving as an informant for Sam Jackson's character (who has a vendetta from when he was shot in the eye). This strung together "Crime Drama" barely keeps your attention. I was pleased when Cage was freaking out after his father's death. By freaking out, I mean he was just jumping up and down in the strip club he calls home ( the same one where he bench presses the strippers).

Cage kills Ving Rhames' character, who was actually an undercover Federal Agent (spoiler!). Yet the DA (played by Stanly Tucci) still won't prosecute. So, Caruso wears a wire and get's Cage to confess at gunpoint (that would totally hold up in court). Disappointingly, Rube Caruso is off the hook and Cage is going to jail. I wish it had been the other way around. Gingerpuss Caruso should be locked up for the terrible acting he delivered in this movie, for which he was paid $1 million.

Quotes & Cagisms

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No Stagger. Just haul ass. Cage

Know what your problem is? You're a liberal Jonny/Caruso's cousin

What's the what? Cage

I've got an acroynym for myself, know what it is? B.A.D. Balls Attitude Direction. You should have one for yourself Cage How about F.A.B. F*cked At Birth Caruso's character

We should have a conversation about life and sh*t. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Recovering alcoholic morally conflicted congressman from Louisiana struggles to balance his personal and professional life.
Cage Hair: Legendary. A bit lengthy, but legendary.	Cage Rating: 4 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review: Why is it called "The Runner"?

Oh, I get it. It's a double entendre because he runs for office, and runs for exercise. Got it!

---

For some reason I thought this was based on a true story. It's not, though it takes place in our reality (not Cage's reality where you find a 200-year-old ship in the Arctic or where people have Kidney Brokers). I tempered my expectations after noticing this "Cage-Joint" has a solid 2-star review on Netflix. Cage plays a congressman from Louisiana who gives an emotional and teary-eyed speech right after the BP Deepwater Horizon disaster. Said speech gives him a lot of media traction, but his interracial affair with a cheerleading coach results in his resignation - offering perhaps the best line of the movie: "Congressman caught onshore drilling".

Also, I'm fairly certain parts of this were filmed in the same location(s) as Zandalee. Sadly, there are no scenes where Cage hysterically slathers himself in black paint. Because he's from the South, Cage has a southern accent. Why does he keep doing southern accents?!

Cage separates from his Cougar wife, resigns from his elected office and focuses on his pro-bono legal operation helping victims of the oil spill. When suddenly $3.5 billion is dispersed to his firm from BP for compensation to victims. Of course, there's a catch. There's always a catch, which is that a morally questionable energy investor is willing to back Cage if he changes his stance on certain energy issues.

As if Cage's life wasn't already in shambles. The flame with his publicist fizzles out, his cougar wife won't sign the divorce papers, and his father (played by Peter Fonda. Fonda and Cage together Again! ) dies in surgery. So, Cage breaks his sober streak and hires a prostitute (disclaimer: The events don't happen in exactly that order).

Cage gets sauced up and drives to his old residence where he discovers his gate opener device no longer works. So, he drunkenly crashes through the gate and into the garage. Cage aquiesces to his wife's desire for him to run for a Senate Seat. End with Cage giving a boilerplate speech filled with clichés.

I found it hard to point out flaws or make fun of this movie....

Quotes & Cagisms

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Do you expect me to congratulate you because you TRIED to keep your dick in your pants? Cage's Cougar wife

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Noble Crusader seeking redemption who loses an eye - basically same character as Outcast
Cage Hair: Blond, then Brown matted Patrick Swayze hair	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills: 34 (confirmed)

Review: Better accent. Better hair. Better Cage.

There's a priest named Debalzaq....De bal zaq...

---

Cage's accent in this is better than that in Outcast in that he didn't attempt one. His hair is better in that it looks slightly more natural...slightly.

Cage again finds himself on the morally questionable endeavor of the Christan Crusades. When he accidentally impales a young innocent woman and meets her gaze he and Perlman decide to leave the Crusades, or it could have been the subpar set design and CGI - either reason would be valid for leaving the Crusades.

Instead of venturing to Asia like in Outcast, Perlman and Cage wander the countryside where cage's wig/hair turns to brown from the previous blond colour. He requires the desert sun and stress of killing innocent lives in the name of Christianity to maintain his perfectly highlighted locks.

When Perlman and Cage wander into a nearby town Cage becomes concerned that someone may recognize him so he puts a scar over his face - which really only draws more attention to him. They get pegged as deserters and learn that a plague has stricken the continent. Said plague is blamed on a witch, who needs to be escorted to a monastery for trial. Perlman and Cage are asked to do so, but elect to spend a night in the dungeon instead. Eventually, they acquiesce and escort the witch to the monastery - moving the story along nicely.

There are some nice action scenes and tense moments involving wolves and demons. Perlman really stole the show from Cage in this one (evidenced by him having many more quotable lines). Perlman also headbutts a soldier wearing a helmet, and a Demon (just before being incinerated by said demon).

I'm not sure if this movie exceeded my expectations because they were so low, or it was actually a somewhat decent (albeit campy) movie. While this may have only received 6 Cages out of 10, I think it's fair to give it 8.5 Perlmans out of 10.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Whoever slays the most men drinks for free Perlman I'll take the 300 on the left, you take the 300 on the right. Cage Who drinks for free then? Perlman Fine all take all 600 myself Cage

Ever feel like God has too many enemies? Perlman

Keep your souls, let me find a Chicken. Perlman

I Hope we're on our way to dinner (while walking toward a dungeon) Perlman

You see that priest's face? He looked like someone pissed in his holy water!Perlman

I've seen girls destroy men without lifting a finger. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Super Douche investment banker who loves opera discovers he has a soft side
Cage Hair: f*cking legendary!	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 4	Kills: 0

Review: Money can't buy happiness

A lonely Cage realizes he's meant for Jersey life.

---

Open to cage kissing a distraught Téa Leoni in the airport who is pleading for him to not leave on a 1-year internship at Barclays in London. Jump 13 years later to Cage waking up in his New York City high-rise condo next to a beautiful woman (who is not Leoni) parading around singing opera in his undies while picking out his finest threads from a magnificent walk-in closet (complete with floor to ceiling windows). Cage Drives a Ferrari. In nearly every Cage movie, he drives an awesome car, except for maybe The Rock where he drive's "A Volvo, a beige one" but we never actually see it.

On Christmas Eve, Cage is walking home contemplating his life when it begins to snow. He swings into a liquor store to buy eggnog and ends up selflessly preventing a potentially bad scenario when Don Cheadle tries to cash in a lottery ticket (This is one of two movies where his life changes due to the involvement of a lottery ticket, the other being It Could Happen To You). After a brief dialog Cage states, he wants for nothing and saunters home to fall asleep in his black cotton briefs. Expectedly, Cage wakes up the next morning next to Leoni wearing boxers (in this alternate reality he's a boxers guy).

Cage freaks out and takes the family minivan into town only to find that nobody recognizes him and Cheadle is driving his Ferrari. Turns out Cheadle is responsible for giving Cage a glimpse at the life he missed by taking that internship in London. In his "family man" life Cage sells tires for his father-in-law in Jersey while his wife is a non-profit attorney. They have two kids, and he's best buddies with Jeremy Piven.

Cage is stuck in this alternate reality for a few weeks, suffering from what he estimates is a terrible wardrobe complete with flannel pajamas. His daughter instructs him through the daily morning routine, after which he goes to his wood-paneled office at "Big Ed's Tires". Cage, disgusted with the choices his alternate self has made immediately takes to drinking to numb the pain.

Cage evalutes his life options and finds old home videos to watch, in which he sings to Leoni for her birthday - terribly. So his alternate self doesn't develop the set of pipes he uses to sing opera. If Cage never made it as an actor, he certainly had a future as a operatic underwear model.

Cage slowly realizes how fulfilling his Jersey life would be, only to be sent back to his old "Big City Life". Cage realizes how lonely and sh*tty his "Big City Life" is and tracks down Leoni who had a box of his old possessions for the past 13 years. Said box contained a bottle of booze or perfume (I couldn't tell which. Cage only sniffed it), a Yo-Yo, and a copy of Cat's Cradle with a set of photos from a photo booth of Cage and Leoni. Eventually, Cage talks Leoni into not leaving for Paris (Oh, Leoni is packing up her belongings for a move to Paris) and the movie closes with them talking in an empty airport terminal.

This is a classic Christmas movie complete with references to It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol. This is actually a solid Cage performance - better than his Oscar Performance from Leaving Las Vegas, it's turning out most of his performances are.

Quotes & Cagisms

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When are you gonna leave that old corpse Mr. Pertersen and be with me? Cage (to 70+ year old woman) You could never satisfy me. Mrs. Petersen

Why are you staring at my breast Peter? Cage

You mean because you thought I was COCKY I'm now on a PERMANENT ACID TRIP!? Cage to Cheadle in Cage's Ferrari

Suddenly every lingerie add in the New York Ledger represents a life you can't have. Jeremy Piven

Do I get a receipt or something? Cage (when dropping a baby off at daycare)

Let's go to every store in this god-forsaken mall. Cage

We'll get the funnel cake. It'll be the highlight of my week. Cage

You're Jack Campbell. You're better than this sport. Cage (to himself while bowling)

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Cycloptic snake charming alcoholic crusader
Cage Hair: Dyed Majestic Receding Segal	Cage Rating: 3 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 42

Review: why? just, why?

His accent is like listening to eskimos club baby seals. I can't watch this anymore - Erin

---

Erin suggested we spend some time in the Cage and stated that "well, we might as was well watch one of the worst ones we can." I made the mistake of checking IMDB reviews on "Outcast" before we start watching it - bad idea. The first one was titled "avoid at all costs". It has just over 1 star on Netflix. Cage has a Middle Eastern/Middle Ages/nebulous European accent - trumping all other terrible Cage accents to date except for maybe "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" and Christiansen is just an opium-addicted toolbag. Honestly, even Kevin Costner gave up trying an accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, why did Cage have to stick with it?

Erin took her glasses off after 8 minutes - deciding that a blurry viewing was better than watching it in focus. Also, Cage is in the first 5 minutes or so, then doesn't appear again until nearly an hour into this horrific disaster. I don't often look forward to screen time without Cage, but the less time I had to listen to his trainwreck of an accent, the better this movie got. In the meantime, Anakin teams up with the prince and princess mentioned in the description. Also, the emperor isn't deposed, he's assassinated by his dickhead of a son. The d-bag older son frames his younger brother for their father's assassination and so the two embark on their escape journey.

It's never made clear why both Anakin and Cage end up the far east after their tenure as Chrisitan Crusaders in the Middle East. The most likely explanation is Cage and Anakin playing D&D with some young Asian children for 1.5 hours and this film/story is the result.

The aforementioned events take place in the "far east" three years after the exposition. But, despite the geographical location everybody speaks English fluently! Anakin re-enters the story as tripping balls on opium in a bar near some canyon with an abundance of Red Tail Hawks. Anakin gets pissed on by one of the guards in pursuit of the prince and princess. The piss induces sudden-onset-sobriety and he goes all "Vader" on them (killing most of them).

A reluctant Anakin agrees to help the two young royalty. Of course, they happen upon a village that has been decimated by black guards (those in pursuit of the two youngsters Padawan Anakin is now helping). Anakin demonstrates his f*cking Zen Archer skills by taking down a guard on a horse from 150-200 meters. The impact of the arrow on said guard drives the horse into the ground like it just hit a trip wire at full sprint. The two siblings convince Anakin to take on a fourth to their party using the rationale that the guards are looking for a party of three, not four. This was the most rational moment in the entire story line. The fourth party member speaks English of course though this one has a fairly pronounced British accent. Which makes total sense when she's from a rural Chinese mountain village!

The young prince is like an annoying Asian Jayden Smith - insisting that Anakin teach him the Zen Archer ways. Cut to a scene in what I assume is the Gobi desert and the four tag onto a middle eastern caravan where the leader speaks, you guessed it, English! The cold, calculating, leader of the caravan sells out and Anakin ends up bound and gagged. A parkour-ish scene ensues wherein Anakin cuts his ropes using a candle flame instead of a blade from a recently subdued pursuant. More vexing is how Anakin is able to subdue/kill so many guards who are presumably well versed in martial arts. Anakin just knows Western European swordsmanship (and has honed zen archery skills).

Finally, Cage reappears with no improvement to accent and crazier hair. Moreover, Cage now keeps live snakes around his wrists as ornaments. He's a crazy, one-eyed, snake charmer now. (This, I learned was Cage "exploring his character" according to an interview. Cage is known for improving/doing crazy sh*t, but the cycloptic, snake-wearing, mountain man is a whole new level!) Somehow Cage has found a woman to marry him as well. His wife has no lines, probably because she didn't speak English. This small detail is explained by Cage, stating her tongue was cut out by the guards in pursuit of Anakin and the young royalty.

A climactic battle ensues, where Cage heroically takes on an army and subsequently gets himself killed. Anakin has a showdown with the dick of an older brother. The older brother kills his sister, who Anakin has a "thing with". Anakin gets a the typical/predicted second wind and kills the dick older brother.

The announcement of a sequel in April of 2014 means it must have made some money, somehow. I couldn't find any information on budget and gross for this one.

Quotes & Cagisms

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You're not the man you once were Anakin None of us are Cage

The guards are as thick as flies on a farting goat's ass because of you Cage (in a terrible accent and snakes around his wrists)

All lands burn...I have to take a piss.Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Morally bankrupt gun runner/weapons trafficer who's able to get out of virtually any situation
Cage Hair: Goddamn legendary	Cage Rating: 9.5 Cages out of 10!
Freakouts: 7	Kills: 1

Review: Is Dead Slow an Actual Nautical Speed?

This might be the most quotable Cage movie ever!

---

Unlike some other Cage movies, this is actually based on real events/people. The tanks were real, the piles upon piles of guns were real (b/c a stockpile of real ones was cheaper than prop guns). Cage's character is an amalgam of 5 different gun runners but mostly based on Victor Bout (aka "The Merchant of Death").

The opening credits alone put this movie into the upper quartile of Cage movies. The bullet factory montage is incredibly done with the juxtaposition of Buffalo Springfield's "For What it's Worth" playing. For those who have caught themselves wondering what the life of a bullet might be like, you can simply watch this three minutes of magnificence.

Cage's voiceover is perfection in sound and editing. His sweet timbre giving a deadpan delivery of an apathetic arms dealer is the perfect touch. He's ambivalent about his profession - simply wanting to make good money by providing detestable people with the tools they need to ply their trade (which killing indiscriminately)

Cage can have nearly anything he wants, except the beautiful Ava Fontaine. That is until he rents out an entire hotel and schedules a fake photo shoot. Classy Cage plays it cool and cold while Ava wanders the hotel grounds in boredom after her shoot is "canceled". Cool Cage lands the girl by adding to his delicate foundation of lies and deceit.

Cage deals in everything - even drugs. His poor brother gets lost in the Columbian Bam-Bam while Cage is able to control his drug habit. Even perfect Cage get's caught up when he rips a fat rail of brown-brown (cocaine mixed with smokeless gunpowder) of a bar top in Sierra Leone. Brown-brown is apparently a real thing! Smokeless gunpowder contains nitroglycerin which is a vasodilator - allowing the Peruvian flake to move more freely throughout the system and causes a more intense high. This intensity causes Cage to hallucinate and make questionable amorous decisions in an AIDS-ridden country.

This movie is damn near perfection. If only the oddly negligent mother hadn't left her infant child sitting in the middle of a rural highway in Sierra Leone I'd given this a perfect 10.

Quotes & Cagisms

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There are 550 million firearms in circulation on the planet. That's one for every 12 people. The only question is how do we arm the other 11? Cage

I worshiped Ava Fontaine since I was 10-years-old. Of course, she didn't know I existed, and maybe she was right. Cage

I lied about my last name. Few times in history has there been an advantage to being Jewish. My parents pretended to be Jewish in order to escape the Soviet Union. Little about my life has been Kosher ever since. Cage

My contact at Temple landed my first contract with Israeli-made Uzi Submachine guns. Cage

The first time you sell guns is a lot like the first time you have sex. You have no idea what you're doing and in one way or another, it's over way too fast. Cage

Selling guns is like selling vacuums. I was an equal opportunity merchant of death. I supplied everyone but the Salvation Army. I sold Israeli-model Uzis to Muslims. I sold Communist-made bullets to Fascists... I even shipped cargo to Afghanistan when they were fighting my fellow Soviets. I never sold to Osama bin Laden. Not on any moral grounds: back then, he was always bouncing checks. Cage

I found him 12 days, 2000 miles, and 150 grams later in a Bolivian boarding house. Cage talking about searching for his brother

Some of the most successful relationships are based on lies and deceit. Since that's where they usually end up anyway, it's a logical place to start. Cage

I sell to leftists and rightists. I sell to pacifists, but they're not the most regular customers. Cage

By the time Agent Valentine showed up you could find more guns on a plane full of Quakers. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Navigtionally challenged career petty criminal with an eye for young women gets roped into a hostage scenario by local police
Cage Hair: thick but thinning sun-bleached blond	Cage Rating: 7.25 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 7	Kills: 0

Review: Suburbian (Racist) Nightmare

It doesn't take place in the suburbs...

---

I've exhausted Netflix, Amazon, HBO, and both Libraries in town of all the Cage movies available. I now have to start actually PAYING - this was the first Cage movie I've had to paid to watch (not counting overdue fees) during this momentous year.

I think this movie would have held up much better if the current climate or racism in law enforcement wasn't such problem. I'll refrain from making social commentary and instead focus on Cage's performance.

First of all, Sir-Mix-A-Lot wrote/performed the ending credit track that quite perfectly sums up the entire story to a catchy beat - except the fact that it doesn't take place in the suburbs. Take a minute and let this poetic piece of art serenade you for 3 minutes and 53 seconds.

Some racist white people mistake Sam Jackson for a robber because he's in their neighbor's house fussing with stereo equipment. These honkies were too busy smoking weed and enjoying their limited BDSM equipment to notice their neighbors were selling their house. They call the police, which reveals Cage doing calisthenics in his cell (fitness is of the utmost importance!)

The inept police department assumes there's a hostage scenario instead of simply knocking on the door and talking to the resident. A "nightcrawler" crew scanning the local police channels get wind and manage to film some tape of the racist neighbors basically admitting to their f*ck up on camera. News outlets show up and the black community hops on the ferry from NY to protest - complete with torches.

Looking to get themselves out of a PR nightmare, the local police enlist the help of Cage to pose as a hostage taker. They plant Cage in the home with a gun that has live ammunition...why? Why would they give a loaded gun to the recently incarcerated guy who was doing handstand push-ups in his cell? Cage, being an opportunist takes the offer and manages to outmaneuver the inept law enforcement with ease.

This movie was intended to be a comedy but wound up severely lacking laughs - except for some supremely great Cage lines. Gus Fring from Hermanos Pollos incites a protest among the black community, one of who's members sets Jackon's home aflame with their questionably necessary torches. Cage save's the f*cking day by rescuing Jackson and setting off to Canada with the digits of the hot pizza delivery girl (who's a minor).

Quotes & Cagisms

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Now, I'm no racist... Gillman (nearly every racist statement begins with that phrase)

She looked 18! Cage

Watch out, he's got a frying pan. Police Chief

That's the thingabout jail, no beer! Well, no women either, but I just ordered one of those Cage

Mr. Sterling, apart from being a thorn in the white man's side do you have a job? Cage

I wanted my family to be more like a Sea Monkey family Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Creepy stalker angel who falls in love with a a "happy to have a stalker" Meg Ryan
Cage Hair: F*cking Legendary with manicured eyebrows	Cage Rating: 5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1.5	Kills: 2

Review: Hello 90's

Meg Ryan is damn happy to have a supernatural stalker

---

Captain Holt from Brooklyn 99 is a mentor to a young angelic Cage. The image of Cage in a black shirt sitting in a hot tub that has been circulating the interwebz for years is definitely from this movie. Just look at that tall drink of water! He had some good years...

Quite honestly, the best part of this movie was the Ron Swanson cameo (brief as it was) as a construction worker. I'd like to think Ron decided to leave Seattle after seeing a dreamy Cage jump off building - thinking "if that crazy guy lives here I need to be elsewhere". So, Ron motored to Pawnee, Indiana to build his fortune as the head of Parks and Recreation.

What Erin and I first noticed was the gratuitous use of a green screen in multiple scenes. That, and the sweeping helicopter shots of a 90's LA with a nice 90's music accompaniment. The green screen had yet been perfected and the inconsistency in lighting was always a dead giveaway in this era.

Basically, Cage is an omnipresent angel that can intervene in people's lives simply by touching them (in a non-sexual way...I think). He and Holt wander about LA hearing people's thoughts and gently intervening in people's lives. That is until Cage lays eyes on a hotdogging cardiac surgeon - Meg Ryan.

Meg Ryan rides her bike around LA like a true asshole - swerving in front of cars without a helmet. You'd think that someone riding as stupidly as her would, at least, protect the six-figure investment that is her brain, but nope! She also rides a Trek 1220 and only uses a wimpy cable lock for security - proving she is prone to making poor decisions right away.

Lacking attention to detail, the docs use a defibrillator on a patient in v-tack. For those unfamiliar with medical emergencies, defibrillators aren't used for that particular type of heart emergency.

Medical mistakes aside, Cage flirts with the line between endearing and creepy stalker. He's so hopefully oblivious to social norms that he comes off a bit like an android - which is endearing to Meg Ryan. Poor Cage has no sense of touch or taste, so Ryan has to describe things to him. She proclaims that a pear (I really wish it had been a peach so I could connect this to Face/Off) as having a grainy texture like a sugary sand that melts in your mouth. So....like sugar? Sugar is granular you f*cking lovestruck pompous turd waffle!

Cage perches outside Ryan's apartment while she's bathing and enjoying a nice cold Rolling Rock (like I said, she makes poor choices). At this point, I had to wonder if Cage wasn't so much as in love, as he was enamored with Ryan's naked figure. Riddle me this, how does an angel without feeling experience love or sexual desire? Ha! They don't! Major plot hole!

Cage learns he can become human from a patient of Ryan's and decides to take a leap of faith of a tall building. Cage and Ryan are in love with one another even though they know nothing about one another and have only been aware of each other's presence for a matter of days. Cage makes his way to Ryan's cabin up in Tahoe by way of a generous trucker. I can't help but think Cage sacrificed his body a bit in compensation for the transportation.

Cage discovers the magic of hot water while Ryan stupidly rides her bike down a rural highway with her eyes closed. Cage senses the crash and runs to Ryan's side - who looks absolutely fine! Ryan is completely conscious and lucid with no visible signs of major injury, yet she dies anyway for the sake of a terrible love story.

A broken (hearted and financially) Cage starts dressing in denim for what I can only hope is a trip out west - to Red Rock! Where he's a stoic loner doing one-handed pushups on destitute highways.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Have you ever been seen?...Not by the dying or delrious? Cage

Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.Cage

You've definitely been beeped. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Zen alcoholic with violent tendencies
Cage Hair: Sort of "Oh my God!", but tamed by his beard	Cage Rating: Meh, 5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 3

Review: Hopefully your favorite color is red

This movie is about who can be the least terrible human being.

---

I think this is Cage in his actual truck/vehicle post-bankruptcy, which is a mid 80's Chevy Silverado. I wanted this to be good, but half way in I still wasn't sure what the plot was. I think it was meant to be one of those "slow" stories with deep characters. Sadly, Cage was outclassed by the 15-year-old kid - severely.

Basically, Cage runs a crew that goes around and poisons trees for lumber companies. You might ask, "wouldn't it just be easier to cut them down?". Yes. Yes, it would. But, it is stated in the movie that the lumber company can't cut down live trees, only dead ones. I'm guessing this was a fabricated regulation so they could avoid the inflated insurance costs of having chainsaws on set.

Cage has few lines but does demonstrate impeccable accounting practices. Perhaps those would have been useful when he was contemplating the purchase of a 16-foot geode. It appears he did get into pretty decent shape for this movie, presumably to show off his impressive man-boobs. There are at least two scenes (maybe more) where Joe/Cage visits a brothel, but the only upper torso nudity we get is Cage's magnificent chest.

There were only two climactic events. The young boy's sh*thead drunk of a father kills another bum for Boone's Farm. Boone's Farm! That's like Capri Sun for adults. No self-respecting alcoholic would buy Boone's Farm when they there numerous other choices at a similar purchase price - all with higher alcohol content.

The second climactic event is actually meant to be that of the story - when Cage/Joe confronts the boy's father and another dumb-dumb assaulting the kid's sister. Cage racks up two kills, and what we deemed a third since his presence motivates the kid's deadbeat father to jump off a bridge.

Also, worth of mention is that Joes is renowned for both evading and fighting with the police and has racked up a couple DUI's. Of course, he's treated with incredible leniency - a luxury that would not be afforded to him if his skin were a different color.

Quotes & Cagisms

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I love dogs. But that dog is an assh*le. Joe/Cage

What's your favorite colour?Joe/Cage redbackcountry prostitute Blow me Joe/Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Promiscuous mystery solving pilot
Cage Hair: dyed, but unremarkable	Cage Rating: 2 cages out 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills: 0 (unless you count hitting a plane full of passengers)

Review: If you can dodge a plane, you can dodge the rapture

They're putting us in purgatory just watching this film - Tim Garrett

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First of all, if the one sentence synopsis is accurate, the rapture of millions would leave behind billions of people - allowing life to continue as usual. In reality, the rapture of a "millions" would simply ease some hunger and economic issues, but that's about it.

It's bad when you have no expectations for a movie, and it falls below your expectations. Shot with the lighting and quality of a mid 90's soap opera, "Left Behind" leaves behind current filming conventions to create a tragically boring 2-hour "story" about the onset of a biblical apocalypse. A brief cut scene to a family photo shows us an obviously photoshopped in Nic Cage - a foreshadowing of just how low budget this $16 million dollar "after school special" is. They didn't even have the budget to snap a photo with all the characters in it. I'm guessing they saved all their money for the shoddy special effects scenes involving plane crashes that resembled the quality of a Full Motion Video (FMV) on the original Playstation (which were damn cool in 1993).

For a solid 30 minutes nothing happens except for Captain Steel being "disappointed" that he didn't get better seats to the U2 show in London (if only he didn't buy that T-Rex skull and 16 foot geode he could have afforded better seats. Wait, that was Nic Cage, not his character. Still, the joke plays.)

At the 0:32-minute mark people are finally raptured, Raymie is raptured through a terrible cut scene involving lazily switched cameras. Human nature at this point is to freak out like Cage's character "Deadfall". Looting and mayhem in the streets are accompanied by traffic jams and fires erupting all over the city. Passengers on the plane demand to know where their children went like it's some elaborate prank. To make matters worse, Captain Steel/Cage has to deal with mechanical failures on the plane. Kudos to the crack research team that elected to find the correct aeronautical terms, but overlooked the fact that unbaptized babies cannot be raptured.

All electronic communications are down nearly at once, despite the fact that they're mostly autonomous in this day and age. That, and most of the incredibly smart people on this planet are atheist at best. So, with no information from the outside world Captain Steel/Cage is able to surmise that the rapture is occurring by finding a left over watch from his raptured co-pilot's personal effects. John 3:16 and a bible is enough for Captain Steel to be as confident as Sherlock Holmes in his findings.

We're left with the moral of the story being:

"It's not about what you did, it's about asking for forgiveness" ~ pastor dude
After two hours, we were still left wondering what the actual point was. Seemingly good people weren't raptured, even though they all essentially believe in the same thing. Somewhat ironically, all the irritating characters were raptured - which makes one question how great heaven might be?.

Quotes & Cageisms

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"Let's talk some" (followed by awkard silence)Captain Steele

"If she's gonna run off with another man, why not Jesus"Captain Steele

"Aren't you scared?"Flight Attendant "I will be, as soon as I have time." Captain Steele/Cage

"Sit Down!"Captain Steele

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Same old Robert Gates from National Treasure
Cage Hair: Same as National Treasure	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 0

Review: Maybe I should have "Tarantino-ed" it...

How did Hellen Mirren get roped in to this?

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Perhaps I should have watched these in the order I watched the Ghost Rider films (I watched the 2nd one first). Maybe that would have provided more intrigue into how the Gates character developed. Also, the bar for "reality" would have been set much, much lower. Cage, is of course, fantastic in this - with an uncanny ability to extricate himself from any predicament with marvelous aplomb. Even with Cage, this franchise is on a Transformers trajectory, a cash cow downward trajectory...

After wading through a trough of Disney propaganda, we finally arrived at the "feature presentation". I admit, I could have simply "skipped" past these. But, previews do serve as a barometer for the quality of cinema one's about to watch. So, I sat through them. The movie starts with one of Robert Gates' (Cage) ancestors becoming entwined in the Lincoln assassination. Jump forward and Cage/Gates has restored his family name - to the point of giving respected lectures at museums.

Professor Cage's respect and fame are short lived once Ed Harris indicts the Gates family for being involved in the Lincoln assassination. Cage won't stand for this, and is devasted when a national announcement is made. Meanwhile, Riley is broke - owing the IRS millions because he hired a bad financial manager. Riley's circumstances are a bit too close to Cage's real-life ones to believe this was simply coincidence.

Cage's girlfriend (lead actress from National Treasure) has kicked Cage out. Eddie's accusations from earlier put Cage on the treasure hunting trail to clear his family's name. Or, he's tired of living with his dad and thinking about the hottie that kicked him out so he's looking for something to occupy his mind and get him out of town.

Cage is able to unravel the mystery to the point of identifying that they are looking for a lost city of Aztec gold thought to have been discovered by the Spanish in Florida. I'm all for the employment of creative/artistic liberty to craft a good story. But, this is going to far. Here's the major flaws I saw:

1. The Aztec empire was in Southern Mexico, not in Florida
2. How did Aztec gold end up in the Sioux Territory of The Black Hills?
3. How is a lost city of Aztec Gold related to the clearing of the Gate's Name?
4. Cage uses a traffic camera to snap a pic of the engraved wood piece.
5. Why is Randy Travis playing at the President's Birthday? (Not a plot hole per say, but still a fair criticism)

Eventually, Professor Cage finds the city and Ed Harris becomes an exemplary dick. That is, until the perilous end when he suddenly grows a conscious and becomes okay with Cage getting away. And, who wouldn't? One flash of Cage's steely gaze would convince me to stay behind and drown in what is essentially the "The Water Temple" from Zelda: Ocarina of Time. A third has been announced at this time. I'm looking forward to the next far-fetched storyline Dr. Cage will entertain us in.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Girlfriend kicked me out, living with my dad, family killed Lincoln... Cage

I get lucky a lot! Cage

Run along now, you impossible child. Cage

That was not love. It was excitement, adrenaline, and tequila. I was trying to get course credit Hellen Mirren

Bangers and mash. Bubbles and squeak. Smoked eel pie. Haggis! Cage

I'm gonna kidnap him. I'm gonna kidnap the President of the United States. Cage

So let's recap: We've broken into Buckingham Palace, and the Oval Office, stolen a page from the President's super-secret book, and actually kidnapped the President of the United States. What are we gonna do next, short-sheet the Pope's bed? Riley

Of course someone else is after the treasure. That's the axiom of treasure hunting.Cage

Do you know what the taxes are on five million dollars? Six million dollars. Riley

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Womanizing world champion rower and booze runner
Cage Hair: Business Comb Over	Cage Rating: 7 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 0

Review: Cage Looks Bigger With His Clothes Off

He actually said that...

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Yet another biopic/story based on real events and people. Cage plays a convincing Canadian "sculler" who makes money rowing in races and running booze during the prohibition era. Thankfully Cage's athleticism and amateur parkour capabilities afford him the ability to escape authorities with relative ease.

According to proclamations made during the exposition of the film, sculling was the "first sport" and captured the attention of the entire public (rich and poor alike). Also, the exposition of the DVD had the crappy MPAA "Don't pirate movies" PSA. It's a good message, but also just a bit ironic since I was able to obtain the movie through inter library loan - effectively paying nothing to view it.

Anyway, Cage is not meeting his full potential and garners the attention of a guy who wants to manage him (to make big money). Cut to a scene where other oarsmen are having the asses of their pants professionally greased by other guys. This scene had just a bit of a homoerotic slant to it...

Cage becomes an overnight sensation but squanders it when he gets drunk before an important race. Cage gets his act together and a mediocre training montage ensues - with a brief pause for Cage to learn his love interest is engaged to a complete square.

Cage goes off the rails but gets his act together a 2nd time for a 2nd training montage. Only this time, you know he's serious because he's dressed in Footloose attire.

Cage get's back on the wagon! He's in top form ready to take on his competitor to prove he's the best oarsman in the land. Cage's love interest, Maggie, sneaks into his into his place to inform him of foul play afoot. Cage seems okay with it while proceeding to seduce Maggie in the form of undressing her. Understandably, Maggie can't keep her hands off Cage's chiseled form. Sadly, Maggie decides to marry her cumquat fianceé instead of Cage.

The culminating scene has super human Cage dealing with one equipment failure after another and still winning the final race. Like all good celebrities, Cage's character goes on to run for office - because he's highly qualified from the intense competition/training and is adept in the art of seduction.

Cage definitely shaved his chest for this...

Quotes & Cagisms

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They say I look bigger with my clothes off Cage

I don't need you. I don't need anybody. Cage

I would have hocked my grandma to have the talent you pissed away boy! Old Man Walter

Swallow it twit! Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Determined but Ill-Fated Detective with a Bee Allergy.
Cage Hair: Classic Cage	Cage Rating: 9.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 8	Kills: 0

Review: It. Holds. Up!

You B*tches! It's all for Honey!

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I was very much looking forward to this. It may have crap ratings, but those are dished out by the uninitiated members of the Saint Nicolas Cage Society. Those with a true appreciation recognize the raw, unbridled talent and charisma Cage displays in this iconic role. I elected to watch the "unrated" version, thinking it would have more gore, language, or something. Alas, I don't think it had any more "graphic" material. It certainly had less than the original from 1973, which looks more like a soft core porn than anything.

Here's a highlight reel from the masterpiece.

Cage investigates a murder/kidnapping on an island of militant feminists. Cage is drawn to the case after a letter from his estranged fiancee. Said letter has no return address, but he's able to pinpoint the place based on a quick internet search using IE (Internet Explorer)!A true detective would not use IE on his home computer. I'll give Cage a pass on this...

His first problem is getting there, which he manages by sea plane. Cage lands on the island donning some fine threads only to find they all live a spartan agrarian lifestyle keeping bees - which Cage is allergic to. Cage struts around like he's the new "sheriff in town" - which he is since it's a privately owned island and he holds a detective badge in Arizona. Cage pretty much only wears suits during his stay but packed them all in a cheap duffel bag. How do the suits remain wrinkle free? Cage's freshly starched wardrobe is nothing short of f*cking magic.

More movie magic comes in the form of the whispering voices/wind. I watched this on a 10-year-old 5.1 surround sound system, so it was f*ckin' spooky! Cage searched the island, flashing his badge profusely, in an effort to find the lost girl - Rowan. Cage discovered Rowan's fate and comes to her rescue whilst wearing a full-body bear costume he stole from one of the island ladies. Yes, that's right. It sounds crazy, but this all happened on screen.

Cage rides a bike around the island, right into beekeeping field. Cage is allergic to bees, hence the iconic bee freakout scene!

Cage rescues Rowan, who leads Cage back to the crazed group of matriarchs aiming to restore their honey production through human sacrifice. Just when you thought the story couldn't get any crazier, it takes that turn!

Also, I watched the "unrated" version of this Cage classic. This usually means a bit more nudity. But, in this case, I'm not sure what it actually meant...

Quotes & Cagisms

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What's in the Bag? A shark or something? Cage (this actually makes some sens in context. But, it's hilarous out of context)

Not the Bees. Not the Bees! Ahhh. My eyes! My eyes! Cage

How'd it get burned!? (x4) Cage

I'm a policeman. See my badge? Cage

Killing me won't bring back your god damn honey! Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Sociopathic crazy
Cage Hair: Totally Caged	Cage Rating: 11 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 10	Kills: 14

Review: 25% Sci-Fi, 75% Action - 100% CAGE!

"This is literally the best movie about face swapping ever made! - Paul Scheer

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The face swapping made it super hard to track "Cage Kills" and "Cage Freakouts". Do I just count everything Cage does on screen? Or does it count during the face swap part of the movie? Basically, all kills and freakouts are either Cage or Castor Troy as Sean Archer (technically Travolta). So counts may be a bit inaccurate for this one. Also, I learned this movie was improved - A LOT! Perhaps the most notable poor improve choice is Travolta's face petting/face waterfalls. This weird sign of affection is the same thing people do to shut the eyes of the a recently deceased person.

John Woo does not disappoint in his 2nd American directorial effort! The movie opens with a mustachioed Castor Troy (Nic Cage, fresh from shooting Con Air) in a nice public park with a sniper rifle aimed at Sean Archer (Travolta). Castor accidentally ends up killing Archer's son, when only trying to kill Archer. So the movie opens with the cold-blooded [accidental] killing of a child! Out of the gate, this movie is straight up crazy.

Cut to 6 years later with Castor in full religious regalia (a priest I think) dancing around a public area and groping a teenage choir girl. Followed closely by a hummer/helicopter/plane chase scene and shootout - all within the first 15 minutes. Castor Troy is 'neutralized' and ends up in a coma, which allows for the face swapping procedure - turning Archer into Troy in order to extract the information about a bomb hidden somewhere in LA. The surgical procedure shown makes face swapping look easier than pulling apart an oreo. Apparently, if you just cut around the perimeter of the face you can just lift it off. It's so easy, you can give the patient a hair cut during said procedure.

Sean Archer/Cage (face/identity swap has occurred at this point) is sent to a prison to extract vital information from Castor Troy's brother - Pullox. This prison isn't known to Amnesty International and doesn't have to adhere to the Geneva Convention. The floor is magnetized, so prisoners had to wear boots - which were recycled from the Super Mario Bros Movie. Through a calculated move, Archer (as Castor) is able to escape the prison and jumps into the ocean and swims to shore (which is within sight). So this "secret prison" is just a decrepit/repurposed oil rig of the California coast. The prison guards just assumed he was dead, I guess they didn't wait to see if he popped back up to the surface at any point in his 5-mile swim back to shore.

The plot thickens when Castor wakes from his coma and re-enters the population as Sean Archer, killing everyone that knows about the secret face swapping operation in the process. Which is a bit of a confusing plot hole, why did this operation have to be such a secret? If they're sending Archer (as Castor) to a high-security prison where the only exposure to media is stock video footage of nature scenes, why couldn't everyone at the anti-terrorism bureau know about the operation to help prevent the exact scenario the movie is predicated on? This glaring loophole isn't without an upside, though. The moral side of Castor surfaces when he's living with Archer's family (as Archer of course). Over the course of a week, he decides to heal this broken family, by flirting with Archer's daughter and giving Joan Allen some good lovin'.

An epic showdown occurs complete with Woo's signature dove's flying around. The climactic boat chases rife with explosions ends when Castor (as Archer) is impaled with a harpoon - you know, a common tool on speedboats. The closing scene has Archer bringing Castor's now orphaned son into the house stating, "this is Adam, he needs a home". No discussion, just "hey, let's adopt this child of a psychotic international terrorist!". Oh, and there's face waterfalls to ensure Archer is truly Archer at this point.

If you don't follow "How Did This Get Made", I highly recommend listening to their live discussion of "Face/Off". They discuss John Travolta's improved Face Waterfalls in depth as well. In reality, there is way too much in this fine entry in the Cage Cannon to respectfully summarize - do yourself a favor and watch it while giving yourself a face waterfall.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Casings fit like a condom. Castor Troy

Peach...I can eat a peach for hours. Castor Troy

When this if over, I want you to take this face and burn it Sean Archer

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Bumbling high school English teacher with violent tendencies.
Cage Hair: Slightly receding Segal with a Goatee	Cage Rating: 5.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 2 (sort of)

Review: Cage gets Shakespearean (by reading Shakespeare)

Guy Pearce is a bad guy? Again?

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According to IMDB, this screenplay was one of the most liked unmade films in 2009. So, they decided to take what could have been a good movie and settle for decent.

The movie opens on a hidden camera interview with the interviewer asking what "The hungry rabbit jumps" means. The interviewee gets nervous and bolts, only to be pushed off the top of a parking garage by some goon in a large SUV. The unknown interviewee plummets a couple stories in his BMW onto a bus. He would have most certainly survived since Cage has survived worse whilst unbuckled (read Stolen review).

Link from Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions is a coworker of Cage's whom we later learn is part of this secret vigilante organization (spoiler), but also plays chess with Cage. Cage demonstrates little chess prowess, but the scene foreshadows the rest of the story quite well (I'll attribute that little nuance to producer Tobey Maguire!). Link gets Cage into a checkmate and chides him for 'playing it too safe'.

While Cage is hamming it up with Link on the Chessboard, a guy in snakeskin boots starts to follow Cage's wife (played by January Jones). You immediately know he's evil from his boots. He assualts Jones, but Cage isn't aware because of course the rules of the community Chess hall are such that phones must be turned off. Cage pulls a NardDog/Andrew Bernard freakout in the hospital bathroom by kicking a trashcan.

Enter Guy Pearce (character name Simon) who offers Cage sweet justice against his wife's attacker. No police, clean and simple. Only Cage will owe a favor sometime in the future. Cage is so distraught at this point he doesn't understand the very clear euphemisms Simon is speaking in so Simon has to spell out the offer/scenario for him. Cage indicates he wants the job done by buying two "forever" bars from the vending machine (another foreshaddowing).

6 months later Cage is approached by Simon. Predictably, it's time for Cage to settle up on his debt to Simon by killing another miscreant/scum of society. Also predictably, Cage disobeys orders and finds himself in quite a pickle. At this point, any semi-intelligent viewer is asking, "Why doesn't Simon and his organization just take care of these poeple instead of bringing rookie people that will screw up?"

Cage ultimately follows through, albeit somewhat accidentally, only to find out he's been set up/framed. Cage attends a visitation in a local bar for the guy he bumblingly killed. Everyone there turns the event into SNL Bill Brasky rip off.

Obligatory chase scene ensues where Cage runs just a little bit less geriatrically than he does in Stolen. Bumbling Cage manages to evade his pursuants and get one of them killed. Bumbling Cage finds his victim is actually in investigative journalist looking into Simon's secret vigilante group. He's almost caught when riffling through his victim's office late night. But his impressive command of the English grammar and punctuation gets him off the hook (he is an English teacher after all).

The second obligatory chase scene ensues where Cage tries to outrun a train. But, without his future seeing powers from Next he opts to play it safe and just ram the pursuant police car under a tractor trailer - good call.

Cage uncovers the evidence his vicitm has compiled, which conveiently plays in the dash of the Cadillac Escalade he has stolen. The classic showdown unfolds wherein a polic officer who's a member of Simon's organization shows up and states "looks like a case of a two dead guys killing each other".

Overall, a fairly mediocre Cage performance. Not crazy, not epic. Just middle of the road - except for box office earnings. Those were a Shakespearean tragedy.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Come on! We love New Orleans! Who Dat?! Cage

What are you going to do?January Jones Unspeakable things (to Jones with her eyes closed in the bedroom) Cage

What is it? Cage A letter to Santa Clause (screen flashes to letter, which is addressed to Santa Claus)Simon

You'll see a men's room. Go in....Take a leakCage instructing Simon over the phone

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Asian enthusiast super Villain?
Cage Hair: Fu Manchu (Just like his character name)	Cage Rating: 10 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills:0

Review: The Performance of a Lifetime!

Simply Incredible

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You might think that watching 191 minutes of a Grindhouse double feature without Cage would incite rage in me, but you'd be wrong. It's worth sitting through this 191 minutes of Cage Free artful cinema to see the 10 glorious seconds of Cage in a fake movie trailer "WereWolf Women of the SS".

If you haven't the patience to sit through the 3+ hours of Grindhouse cinema you can watch Cage in this trailer:

Basically, Cage plays the diabolic madman that likes Asian crap - like Jeremy Jamm. I believe this would be a precursor/preparatory role for his character in Outcast.

Quotes & Cagisms

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*unclear* Aha! Ha Ha Ha....!Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Liam Neeson meets Tommy Wiseau
Cage Hair: Caged, obviously dyed, but caged.	Cage Rating: 2 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 1

Review: I'm gonna dissapear it.

You mean...like...taken?

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This movie came out four years after the original "Taken", and only beat "Taken 2" by a month. But, "Taken" didn't involve a bank heist, so it's obviously different. Also, Cage doesn't have a "specific set of skills" to go on a murderous rampage while getting his daughter back (Like Neeson does) - Hell, Cage didn't even know what a GPS was in this movie!

The movie opens on a desolate street, populated only by a drunk guy singing at the top of lungs. Said drunk vocalist stops to relieve himself, at which point I was really hoping this guy was Nic Cage...it wasn't. Instead, the movie cuts to Cage rockin' out in a van to CCR. Apparently his character uses CCR to get pumped up before a job - basically directly ripping off Memphis Raines' getting pumped routine.

This movie was disappointing in that it was not a classic Cage performance, nor was it a terrible Cage performance. It was painfully mediocre. Basically, the heist Cage is getting pumped for at the exposition is botched and everyone goes unpaid for their efforts. This is particularly hard for Lucas' character to cope with, despite the fact that Cage's character took the fall for everyone involved! When Cage is cornered by the police he burns the money to avoid a longer prison sentence. The rest of his crew gets off while Cage serves an 8-year prison sentence.

Upon Cage's release, he is picked up from prison by the FBI agents who caught him - complete with the lead agent wearing the dumbest looking Pork Pie hat! This hat makes him the least threatening federal agent in cinematic history. Cage get's a package (I don't remember how it was delivered) containing a Blackberry, which was an all but dead technology in 2012. Aside from the pork pie hat, the use of Blackberries is the greatest crime committed in this movie.

Lucas' character kidnaps Cage's daughter and demands $10 million which is supposedly his share of the lost fortune from the botched heist 8 years prior. In the time since, Lucas' character decided to "fly under the radar" by convincing everyone that he was dead. In order to do this Lucas "dug up a body (which wasn't hard), chopped into little bits, and added little bits of himself to the mix" - which makes him sound like a psychotic necrophiliac! Also worth mentioning is that he soundproofed the trunk and took care to add glow in the dark stars like the ones you put on you ceiling when you were 5-years-old.

For being an action movie lasting 96 minutes, it does move at a mostly glacial pace. Once Cage steals a cab and points to a GPS asking the cabbie "what's this!?!" the movie picks up in pace a bit. The last 30 minutes consists of the following:

• A chase scene where Cage geriatrically runs over the tops of cars when he could just run on the street much more easily.
• Cage breaks his wrist or thumb to get out of handcuffs, then incapacitates two federal agents driving the car he's in. The car flips and Cage walks away from the accident to answer the Blackberry Lucas is calling him on. Cage immediately regains full use of the hand he injured to get out of handcuffs.
• Cage calls his old crew member and talks in Swedish to get her to meet and recruit her for one last job to save his daughter
• Cage and partner steal $10 million from a bank by burning a hole in the vault floor and melting the gold through the hole. This would result in about 400 lbs of gold which they drag/lift/transport rather easily.
• Cage meets Lucas in a derelict amusement park/fairgrounds where his daughter is stuck in the trunk of the taxi which is lit on fire. Cage solves the problem by driving the burning car off a dock into a body of water.

In the last scene, Cage works to rescue his daughter. Then, he impales Lucas with a large pry bar and shuts him in the trunk. The car then sinks 50 feet or more. The film concludes with a cute barbecue involving Cage, Malin Ackerman, and Cage's daughter where one last bit of gold is found. Cage contemplates the consequences of keeping the gold for a bit then declares "I'm gonna disappear it"

Quotes & Cageisms

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Save the purple crown for daddy.Cage/Will Montgomery

As ready to rock as Riley's diaphragm.Hoyt

Hope you got raped every day.Fletcher (Pork Pie hat wearing FBI agent)

I'm broker than a dead dick dog that couldn't get another swipe.Vincent

I got a question for you. Cabbie Nine inches and I can reload after 14 minutes and a tickle.Dispatch

I'm gonna disappear it.Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Alcoholic, sleep-deprived, hallucinating paramedic at the end of his rope trying to get fired
Cage Hair: greasy mid-length 90's hairdo	Cage Rating: 4.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 11	Kills: 2

Review: Where are the Bandaids in an Ambulance?

Paramedics don't patrol, and I'm pretty sure they don't drink on the job...

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I'm not exactly sure what a "Comedy, Drama, Thriller" is, but I'm certain this wasn't it. I'm a fan of Martin Scorcese (who voiced one of the dispatches), but I'm reluctant to group this movie in with his finer work. The only thing more epic than the number of freakouts was the awesomely 90's soundtrack.

I was under the impression paramedics hang out at one location and wait to get dispatched, not drive around on patrol like The Tick (which was awesome! Patrick Warburton was great in that series) ogling at hookers, beating on drug addicts (which they do in this movie), and drinking on the job. Basically, Cage is haunted by the ghost of a girl he wasn't able to save because he kept putting the intubation tube into her stomach. I don't know which I grew more tired of, seeing Rose (pictured right), or waiting for this 2-hour introspection to conclude.

Cage copes with his stress, hallucinations, and lack of sleep by drinking. Cage is introspective and looks likes like hell - worse than Ed Norton at the beginning of Fight Club (Norton quickly passes Cage though). Cage and his partner(s) (played by John Goodman, Ving Rhames, and Tom Sizemore) encounter a slew of cases, one of which is a supposed virgin, Maria, giving birth to a set of breach twins - both coming out at once. I'm no medical expert, but I'm guessing Twins don't enter the birth canal in tandem.

Cage in desperate need of a good nap follows Patricia Arquette to an "Oasis" where he is persuaded into taking some nebulous drugs from Whale Rider (Cliff Curtis, the father from Whale Rider). Cage proceeds to trip balls while getting some sleep, then move into a truly epic freakout scene.

Cage becomes borderline psychotic and gives himself a cocktail of vitamins and such intravenously. They end up on a call that involves Whale Rider impaled on the railing of a 14th story balcony, wherein they do not secure him at all before cutting the railing - rookie move!

Cage hallucinates some more, then succumbs to the voices in his head/hallucinations and kills the original patient he saved by putting the pulse monitor on himself and breathing into the tracheotomy tube. I would been much happier if the credits rolled right after Rames and Cage crashed and flipped their ambulance (which at about the 1-hour mark). This was part Fight Club and part The Machinist without the greatness of Tyler Durden or the craziness of Bale.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Don't make me take off my sunglasses! ER Cop

We have rules against killing people on the street. It looks bad. Cage

Saving someone's life is like falling in love. The best drug in the world...Horns played in my shoes. Flowers fell from my pockets. You wonder if you've become immortal as if you've saved your own life as well. God has passed through you. Why deny it, that for a moment there - why deny that for a moment there, God was you? Cage (whoa!)

I realized my training was useful in less than 10% of my calls. Cage

I was a grief mop. Cage

It felt good to be in the company of a woman. Especially one who wasn't comatose or severely disabled. Cage

It's 6:00 AM the cocktail hour. Pass me the bottle. Cage

This is the worst suicide attempt I've ever seen. Cage

You have the nerve to sit here wanting to die and not go through with it!? Cage

Well, he's our shish kebab for the night then. Cage

You saved my life Oasis Guy I know Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Slightly unhinged loner assassin on assignment in Bangkok becomes the architect of his own demise when he breaks his own set of rules.
Cage Hair: Receding Segal	Cage Rating: 4.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 42

Review: Dangerously Delicious (not really)

It's not what I was expecting. But then, I don't know what I was expecting.

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I'm not sure what lowered my expectations more, the title of the movie (perhaps the worst title in the Cage Cannon), or the previews. I usually humor the production company and watch previews on a DVD - not this time! The previews consisted of the following:

• My Bloody Valentine
• The Spirit
• Saw V
• Disaster Movie
• My Best Friends Girl
• Crank (F*ck Yeah Chev Chelios. This movie is awesome!)
• Lord of War

Okay. So 5/7 previews were garbage, which was plenty to lower my expectation considerably - that and Cage's hair. Cage is portrayed as a loner assassin with virtually no ties to humanity. In an early sequence, Cage perfectly times a sniper kill shot with clock bell tower chime. Which seems intelligent, but the trajectory of his bullet can still be traced to the general vicinity in which he squeezed the trigger

This is a remake of the Thai Version of Bangkok Dangerous. A story about a deaf/mute hitman that befriends an innocent pharmacist and finds himself struggling with the morality of incredibly immoral profession. In the Cage version, the love interest is deaf so Cage can provide his epic voiceover. Cage's hair should have gotten credit in a supporting role, as it helped distract the viewer from his crazy looks and mostly monotone delivery of dialog.

If you can look past Cage's disastrous fashion choices and his trainwreck hair you can see not one, but two budding romances. One with the aforementioned deaf pharmacist, and the other with his helper - Kong. You can choose which one is more believable. I can't reconcile Cage's erratic and terrible fashion choices with his donning of a $2,000 watch and use of iconic BMW motorcycles.

Initially, Cage seems quite ruthless - incapacitating and killing his lacky/helper using a taser then issuing a lethal dose of heroine to said lacky. Hard to believe that a ruthless assassin wears a "space spirit" shirt when sight-seeing in Thailand...

Soon we transition to Bangkok with a solid voiceover from Cage explaining his personal rules for surviving his trade, which we know he's only going to break (otherwise this wouldn't be a very interesting movie). In Bangkok Cage recruits a young helper (named Kong) for his tenure in the city. Cage's first job is to gun down some dudes in a car. During his quick getaway, he scrapes his arm - which allows him to win over a deaf pharmacist by showing off his injured guns.

Cage also takes on a "Master Splinter" role - training Kong in his ways as an assassin. Said training consist of practicing a few basic hand-to-hand combat maneuvers and using an unidentified local fruit as target practice. Kong is elated, Cage remains emotionless.

Of course Cage is lovestruck by the deaf pharmacist and asks her to dinner. What the hell are an American and deaf Thai pharmacist going to talk about over dinner, let alone HOW are the going to talk/communicate? This isn't an issue for long as Cage quickly dispatches of two would-be muggers. Luckily, the deaf pharmacist can't hear the gunshots. But, Cage's haste gets the best of him when deaf pharmacist discovers blood spatter on her blouse.

Cage finds himself embroiled in a moral dilemma. He's always told himself those he was paid to kill were "Bad to Somebody", but when he's tasked with killing a nationally loved politician he can't squeeze the trigger - setting off a tragic chain of events. Before Cage embarks on what will be his demise he visits the deaf pharmacist one last time to apologize and flash puppy dog eyes at her.

In a fairly well done final action sequence Cage effortlessly dispatches of henchman guarding the guy who has been paying him for the assassinations. One such dispatching involved the use of grenade at close range to literally blow a guy half. Also, Cage trades shots with a guy between pallets of large 5-gallon water bottles, which would stop bullets quite easily - Mythbusters confirmed that most bullets are all but stopped in 3 feet of water. The pallets consisted of at least 3 rows of bottles, with each likely being at least 10" in diameter. Again, this falls into the gray area of "believability" in the Cage Cannon.

Cage reluctantly kills himself and the final bad guy with a single bullet. We're left with 0 freakouts and a lackluster ending.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Stay invisible too long and people start to look like a different species.Cage

Don't be sorry. Be on time. What happened to your face? Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Helicopter father with a violent criminal past goes on a murderous rampage based on a false assumption
Cage Hair: Nice try Cage. We all know your hair is dyed	Cage Rating: 5.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 10

Review: Sh*t got Radical

Kill his daughter and he'll cut you, even if you had nothing to do with her death.

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They tried for a 'Tarantino opening', but it was a half-hearted attempt at best. I was surprised to see Danny Glover in this. While he's certainly in no Lethal Weapon shape, and it wasn't an Angels in the Outfield performance, he still did a solid job.

We're meant to be convinced that Cage's daughter was kidnapped, then murdered and tossed in a creek while he and his wife were out to dinner. Before heading out to dinner Cage offers a job to Mike (one of his daughter's friends) for "real money" without knowing the kid at all. When they arrive back at the house after being notified of the incident Cage assumes it's retribution from the Russian Mafia from when he, Kane, and Doherty stole money from the Russians 20 years ago. We learn of Cage's past transgressions in the form of a flashback where a younger Cage is played by none other than his son Weston Cage!

It's totally wise to just assume the worst and go on a rampage all over town killing people willy nilly. Cage does all this despite Francis'/The Russian from Armageddon (played by Peter Stormare - Gaear from Fargo/Nihilist #1 from The Big Lebowski) pleas to not do just that. Before embarking on a murderous rampage of killing Russians, Cage takes the time to hand in his daughter's report on Caesar - because why not. Her teacher surely wants to read a half-assed report and then have to lie her parents by telling them it was f*cking Shakespearean. Cage's wife disapproves of his actions. Cage Freaks out, chokes his wife, makes out with her and they both cry. Again, all this plays because it's a Cage movie.

Cage, Kane, and Doherty visit a strip club during the day to find a Russian mafioso. Despite the time of day, there are numerous women dancing for virtually no patrons at all. So, this of obviously a money-laundering front because it makes absolutely no fiscal sense to have that many employees working with so little demand for their services.

Cage finds the guy he's looking for and a geriatric running chase scene similar to Stolen ensues. The filmmakers also relied heavily on camera shake in the chase and fight scenes - which is just lazy. Cage catches the Russian and an incredible freakout scene unfolds with him beating the snot out of an already dead Russian Mafia guy.

What I assume is that night. Our "Three Muskateers" enter a Russian crack house and light it up. Cage is almost killed when he pauses to look at young woman sleeping in a bedroom. Cage sadistically stabs a guy and watches him wail and crawl down the hall to fish out other bad guys.

The actions of our Muskateers catch up to them and Kane is taken by the Russian Mafia. Cage follows in his sweet stock Ford Mustang, wreaking havoc all over the city in the requisite chase scene. The cops corner him, but as usual, Cage is able to get out of being arrested for multiple offenses (channeling his persona from Joe).

An upset Cage freaks out and kills Doherty for not preventing the death of Kane. While driving home from murdering his friend Cage is able to connect the dots. It took him and his friends racking up a large number of casualties for him to remember he had a box of f*cking guns in his closet that weren't locked up! Mild oversight to say the least. Cage figures out that the Russian issue gun led to his false assumption of Russian Mafia involvement and that the gun used to kill his daughter was his that he kept from the "heist" 20 years ago. Cage figures it out and scares a confession out of Mike.

A tragically acted flashback scene unfolds where 17-year-olds are prancing around the house drinking and waving guns at one another like f*cking 8-year-olds with Super Soakers. Essentially, this entire movie devolved into a 90 minute PSA about gun safety, and how guns should be kept unloaded and locked in a safe.

I don't think Mike will be getting that job offer from Cage since he accidentally killed his daughter. And, because Cage is dead. Mike's going to be stuck working at his current employer, Denny's, for a long time.

Again, if cage allows himself to be killed does it count as a Cage kill?

Quotes & Cagisms

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We shared the same honeypot. That makes us milk brothers. Doherty to Kane (Actually that makes them Eskimo Brothers)

I expect you to get shot trying to protect her! Cage to Mike

How Deep do you want this to go? Kane How deep is hell? Cage

Knives are quiet. I like knives. Cage

...sh*t's about to get radical. None of your cocaine parties. Cage to Doherty (with Kane present)

You can't shoot people in the street. Kane to Doherty

He's got a rap sheet as long as my dick. Danny Glover (does that mean the guy has a long or short rap sheet?)

Why aren't you at your house? Cage Because you don't bang strippers at your house Doherty

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Brad's bud - a man of little words but commanding screen presence
Cage Hair: Feathered and Lethal	Cage Rating: 5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review: 60 seconds of Glory

Cage plays Brad's Bud and steels every scene he's in!

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Okay, that may not really be true. Cage steals the scenes if you're looking for him. Otherwise, he floats in the ether only taking full form a few times to class up this delightfully 80's flick. Before his sainthood, when Cage was a lowly undergraduate still going by his birth name Nicolas Coppola he has was fighting for decent roles.

"Fast Times" comes from an era where disjointed scenes, a few jokes, and nudity could carry an entire movie (like Valley Girl - where Cage tries his hand at burned surfer dude). Alas, those days are in the past. I'm not saying cinema has improved in the last three decades, just requirements to entertain the audience have. The IMDB summary perfectly encapsulates what this movie is about. If Dr. Cage had gotten more screen time then it would have surely blown the socks of too many people - good thing they toned his role back to just a few lines and appearances. They saved him or he saved himself for Valley Girl.

You often hear about flipping burgers, working retail, etc when actors recount their lives before finally getting their "big break". Cage quite literally was flipping burgers in this - cast as "Brad's Bud" (played by Reinhold). Penn embodied the burned out surfer dude quite well and magically, found this role to be his rocketship to stardom.

It should also be noted that the 15-year-old sister of Brad loses her V-card in a sandlot dugout to a 20-year-old. This statutory rape scene sets Brad's sister on a slutty trajectory that lands her with an unwanted pregnancy to which Mike Damone (a scalper guy with the only New York(ish) accent in the entire school) is the father - nothing like teen pregnancy to reduce the levity of a story! It's a cautionary tale bookended with odd scenes that introduce WAY too much mirth for the scenario.

Cage was originally in the running to play Brad (the character he ended up being the "bud" of). But, the "suits" directing and producing this movie just couldn't handle the class Cage brought to the performance and went with Neil from The Santa Clause (before he started wearing sweaters from the circus). Cage would have most certainly graced us with an epic freakout when dealing with the unruly customer. Cage would have handled the gas station robbery with much more confidence than Neil, and when caught "freeing willy" by a bikini clad girl he would have most certainly turned it into a seduction scene instead of cowering like Neil did...

Quotes & Cagisms

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No shirt, no shoes, no dice. Learn it, love it, live it. Reinhold

The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude. Damone

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Supportive member of Rusty James' gang donning a sweet belt buckle with a "Wild Dueces" Jacket.
Cage Hair: volumous, feathered and lethal	Cage Rating: 4 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review: Lacking a Severe Amount of Cage

A Soft Spoken Rourke Rescues some People and Pets

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Cage is hardly in this movie - playing second fiddle to Dillon's tank top and bandanna. I'm guessing Coppola decided to cut his character presence after the first scene when he appeared in a huge belt buckle, "Wild Deuces" jacket, and black tank top. His hair was so big and voluminous the viewer would've gotten sucked into it - not paying attention to the troubles of Dillon's character.

Based on and S.E. Hinton book (and the only adaptation to not star Emili-ooo Estevez) where everyone is sweaty all the time. Matt Dillon's Character, Rusty James (said 50 times in this movie) is the "leader" of a dying gang in East Monkey Brow Oklahoma. A soft-spoken and philosophical Mickey Rourke (pre botched plastic surgery) shows up after a long absence.

Rusty James (always referred to by his full name) is going steady with T-Swift (a young Diane Lane). Rusty James is suspended from school for ambiguous reasons then dumped by T-swift/Lane because of rumors that he hooked up with another girl at a house party. Said house party was the brainchild of one Mr. Cage himself. Cage is so sparse in this movie, but where he is present he's a sight to behold. The house party is only shown for a bit, but everyone gets naked on the top bunk in a random room for some reason.

Rourke is fascinated with beta/fighting fish and is convinced they wouldn't fight if set free. So Rourke breaks into the pet store like a raging PETA activist to set them free. Walking away with a tank of fish gets Rourke shot. So, citizen-police relations were terrible back then too. How did the dick of a police officer justify shooting an unarmed kid holding a fish tank? Rusty James takes Rourke's motorcycle and travels to the ocean - presumably without the proper license.

Not much really happens in this movie and it's starving for more Cage. Despite all this, Cage is the real winner here. He starts going steady with T-Swift/Lane, keeps his hair, and doesn't lose any family members. A sweet young cage with superb hair is a sight to behold. I'd recommend watching the first few minutes just to soak in the sight of Cage in this - then put on a Cage Classic.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Rusty James, Rusty James, Rusty JamesEveryone in this movie

You're better than cool. You're warm.T-Swift/Lane

Nah, he looks old. Like, 25 or something. Rusty James

I stopped being a kid when I was 5. Rourke

Even the most primitive society has an innate respect for the insane.Rourke

Nobody wants to be killed.Cage (wiser words have never been spoken)

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Neighborhood Bully/Cool Kid with a soft side
Cage Hair: Toned Down Arizona	Cage Rating: 8.5 cages out of 10
Freakouts: 6	Kills: 0

Review: He Just Felt Like Flying...

Cage Rage and a Naked Matthew Modine

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Neighborhood cool kid and resident badass, Cage, befriends the local outcast Birdy who's namesake is derived from his hobby of catching and training pigeons (and love for all things birds). The budding friendship takes Cage out of his comfort zone while the two have a growing affection for one another.

This was all a flashback. Skipping to "cinematic present day" Cage is nursing some severe battle wounds while en route to visit Birdy - who has built a psychological nest inside a mental ward.

Cage arrives at the mental hospital where Birdy is located and the two engage in a lengthy "Tete-a-tete", except that Birdy won't talk so it's just a "Tete". Cage employs the following methods in order to get Birdy to talk:

1. Reminisces about old times with Birdy. Birdy plays it cool - doesn't even grant eye contact.
2. Cage gives Birdy a glimpse of "Cage Rage". Birdy remains Chill as f*ck
3. Dr. Cage enlists his philosophical powers to address the "big questions". Birdy remains squatting like monkey/bird - no reaction.
4. Sir Cage spoon feeds Birdy and the two finally lock eyes. The cold embers of the bromance are reignited.
5. Classy Cage cracks a joke - demonstrating his comedic chops. Birdy smiles.
6. The true motivation of Birdy becomes clear as he's getting a sponge bath from the nurse. Who wouldn't play an unstable mute to get a sponge bath from her? Cage makes a good call being a casual observer.
7. Full Cage Rage unleashed on Birdy. They both have a good cry.
8. Professor Cage's baseballs arrive and all is well.

Not one person recognizes the genius of Birdy. He's making badass flying machines and blowing his classmates' projects out of the water. His "asexual" nature gives Cage some pause (and most certainly blue balls). These two unlikely friends make for a real Milo and Otis or Tango and Cash story.

Quotes & Cagisms

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I want to go back and change, I look stupidCage Not to a bird, AlBirdy

Mammary glands? MAMMARY GLANDS?!? No, we're talking tits here! Big tits... Round tits... Fleshy tits... Full tits..Cage

You're wrong! They're dead: plucked and fucked! Cage

This fucking fucker's fucked Cage

You always were hard to hurt, Birdy. Real losers never hurt. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Robert Langdon meets Indiana Jones with dellusions of grandeur that actually come true.
Cage Hair: Lengthy Legendary	Cage Rating: 7 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills: 0

Review: Hello Beautiful

Cage finds the treasure and gets the girl.

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A young Cage gets caught snooping around his grandfather's attic (John Adams Gates played by Christopher Plummer) during an intense thunderstorm. A sweet montage unfolds wherein Cage's grandfather tells a story of treasure long hunted by everyone and protected by the Knights Templar and later the Free Masons. Cage's father (played by Jon Voight) is dismissive of this tall-tale.

The stage has been set for Cage to grow up and become a treasure hunter. He's running around solving century old riddles/puzzles with the same ease as Robert Langdon in The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons. A grown up Cage is traversing that arctic tundra where he and his crew fall on a vast open snow field. What's the logical next step? Get out a residential grade metal detector and start scouring the snowfield for metal. Said detector chimes after a short while and Cage is able to surface a ship's bell after only a few swings of an ice ax. So a ship that has been lost for centuries is only a couple feet below loose snow in the arctic tundra...right.

The ship is searched only for them to find an old tobacco pipe. Cage disassembles it and uses the best source of ink available to reveal the message of the pipe shaft when rolled out. Cage's financier (played by Sean Bean) attempts to leave them stranded. Cage and his partner (an annoying wiseass played by Justin Bartha) escape by blowing up the ship they're in, which is chock full of gunpowder.

Cage and Bartha try to warn authorities of Bean's plan to steal The Declaration of Independence, but nobody is convinced. So, Cage steals it. They develop their plan to steal it using blueprints of security systems for The Library of Congress that are publicly available....that makes no sense. During this heist sequence, Bartha counts down from 5 to inform Cage of a security camera feed switch, which happens when he hits 3! Nobody counts down from 5 to trigger an event at 3. Bartha you rookie!

The blond historian (love interest of Cage in the movie) get's kidnapped by Bean's henchman. Cage saves the f*ckin day by rescuing her during a car chase (which, of course, had to happen). Now Harvey Keitel shows up as that lead FBI investigator. This movie has a serious cast (it does have solid IMDB reviews...)

Cage's rookie move of paying for a copy of the Declaration of Independence with a credit card makes him easily traceable by the authorities. Cage evades the authorities and ends up helping Bean, to a point. They find a huge cavern under a church near Wallstreet - a cavern that was until no undiscovered until now. I guess it was below a church....

Things get dicey on the old wood scaffolding and Cage pulls a line from Aladdin asking the blond if "She trust him". Only, Cage drops the blond instead of lifting her onto a magic carpet. Cage sends Bean on a wild-goose-chase to Boston while he and crew discover the real hidden treasure behind a door that was opened using the pipe found on the ship at the beginning. Smooth Cage saves the f*ckin' day and finds treasure!

A solid Cage performance that lands in the upper quartile of his performances. I would have given it 8 cages, but Little Einsteins automatically queued up to play next on Netflix, which says something about the target audience of this film.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Don't go by me. I broke a shoelace this morning. Bartha

Hello beautiful. Cage (when uncovering the ship in the arctic)

Dad I'm in trouble. Cage to his father/Voight Is she pregnant Voight pointing to blond

Is there a door that doesn't lead to prison? Cage

I would really love to not go to prison.Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Rage prone ex con with a tender side
Cage Hair: hybride of Raising Arizona feathered and City of Angels legendary	Cage Rating: 5.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills: 5

Review: At Least Cage was Actually in this...

David Lynch is the epitome of over rated

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Cage and Dern play star-crossed lovers with Dern's alcoholic and mostly insane mother going to great lengths to keep the two apart. It's telling when the "most stable" character is played by Dr. Cage himself (surprising given the image below is from this movie). The storyline seemed to jump through time a bit, and the soundtrack was mostly angry guitar riffs - an odd choice for tender love scenes between Dern and Professor Cage.

Despite my growing disdain for Lynch's body of cinematic work, I can still appreciate the cocaine-induced manic karate dancing performed by Sir Cage in his snakeskin jacket.

I didn't put much effort into trying to understand this "Art" or follow the erratic storyline. Just about anything would steal my attention from the train wreck unfolding on screen. I quickly abandoned the practice of pausing the movie when I left the room to grab a drink or snack.

Cage is the "rock" in the relationship - proving his tenderness when Dern has a momentary freakout from hearing too much bad news on the radio. Cage pulls the car off the road, finds some raging guitar music, and the two dance it off in a desolate roadside ditch. Cage, of course, karate dances his way into calming Dern into a seductive state (one of many seduction scenes) - there's just something about an only partially crazy guy shadow boxing and kicking that just turns a girl on.

Dern's crazed mother gets wind the two left town and hires a myriad of criminals to track them down. In Lynches world, there's a middle man for this type of service. Said "middle man" answered the phone while sitting on the toilet and drinking a macchiato, accompanied by a topless woman.

Eventually, all the sex catches up to Cage and Dern, and Dern slips a note to Dr. Cage indicating she's pregnant. Her only indication of this was an isolated incident of vomiting, which she neglected to clean off the hotel room floor. Dr. Cage realizes their in trouble and agrees to a bank heist job with Willem Dafoe. Predictably the job goes awry and Cage ends up caught and serving more time at "Pee Dee Correctional".

An unsure Cage is reunited with Dern and his son. Cage walks away from them only to be beaten up by a gang in the middle of the street. The blunt force trauma to Cage's head causes him to hallucinate the "Good Witch" from The Wizard of OZ who convinces him to head back to Dern and Son. Cage serenades Dern with a heartfelt rendition of "Love Me Tender" while the two stand on the hood of her car and the credits roll.

Quotes & Cagisms

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This snakeskin jacket is a symbol of my individuality and belief in personal freedom. Cage

But honey, I thought you told me your Uncle Pooch raped you when were 13? Cage

I had a boner with a capital "O". Cage

You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt. Dern

We used to call him "Jingle Dell" because he wanted Christmas to last all year long. Dern

Come on Mr. "Big Round Balls" let's go make us some easy money. Dafoe

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Calm Southern Gentleman
Cage Hair: Transitions from Legend to Majestic	Cage Rating: 9 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 7

Review: I'm gonna save the f*ckin' day.

They were deadly on the ground, now they have wings - "Con Air" poster

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One of the iconic Cage performances from the pinnacle of his career. Con Air has an all-star cast where none of them knew what was going on because the script was rewritten nearly every day. Cage traveled to Alabama to perfect his accent and perfected his physique. Cage is in the best shape ever! Malkovich refuses to be interviewed about the movie because he has no idea how his character would turn out. This movie takes off and does not stop until the very end. It's an action movie in every sense of the word - complete with gaping plot holes and incredible one-liners. I once heralded this incredible entry in the Cage Cannon as truly great. Simon Pegg claims it's the "Greatest Movie of All Time" in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, and he makes a solid point.

Poor Poe/Cage is persuaded into pleading guilty to manslaughter by a terrible lawyer. I'm thinking this lawyer was just lazy and had a tee time he didn't want to miss. Also, no judicial system would convict and sentence a defendant to 7 years for a death that resulted from a self-defense situation. But, Poe/Cage is a deadly weapon, so off to prison he goes where we get to see a voiced-over montage of letter reading/writing between Poe and his daughter. Also, Poe f*cking loves Cooler Ranch Doritos. This is also the montage where we see Cage's hair transition from 'Legend' to 'Majestic'.

Also, how did Poe's wife get pregnant, rather by whom was she impregnated is the better question? If Poe/Cage has been off on active duty and then some foul play seems to be at hand. Poe, is unfazed by this curiosity and assumes the baby girl is his own - even though it likely isn't...

Finally, Poe's day for parole comes. Of course his cell mate 'Bubba Gump' is being transferred but states he will never see parole papers. Cut to a silk suited Cusack in sandals with socks, and a montage of character introductions all of which are famous criminals with nicknames. Diamond Dog (Ving Rames) plays a white-hating dude that blew up an NRA meeting. Malkovich has some of the best lines, and plays his character flawlessly, even though he had no idea what was going on. Chappelle was unaffected by rewrites, as he improvised nearly all his lines. Danny Trejo plays perhaps the worst person on the planet as Johnny 23. Cusack and Meaney get into a heated argument about the undercover DEA agent having a gun on board the flight. Cusack states that there aren't any guns on board, except for in a lockbox kept in the cockpit. The discussion kind becomes a solid argument for gun control. But, we later learn that Cusack was way off on that statement when the convicts pull a small arsenal out of the belly of the plane - complete with grenade launchers.

At one point, Poe/Cage does try to get psychological on Diamond Dog - asking him why he's taking orders from some white dude. Dog doesn't bite, stating, "It's a means to an end". Tough break for Cage. That tactic may have worked on a lesser criminal, but he's stuck with some high caliber convicts that aren't going to fall for elementary psychological ploys.

Cage is given multiple opportunities to get away from the circus that is 'Con Air', but classy Cage elects to stick to his friend Bubba and get him a needle for a much-needed insulin injection. His search throughout Lerner airfield leads to a medic kit full of onions and chicken feet, and finally to find some needles in the 'bone yard' where all the army/law enforcement are getting mowed down by Cyrus and the crew of convicts. Cusack saves the day by hotwiring a truck that wouldn't start. Cage feels compelled to make it back to the plane through the boneyard as well. I don't understand why everyone takes this specific route when there are miles of open desert that are perfectly fine to drive on! There are literally 360 degrees of access to Lerner airfield, but everyone drives through the same ominous canyon of plane and truck parts to get to the airfield.

In the meantime, Garland/Buscemi wanders off like a lost child to find a young girl having a tea party in a drained pool. So, not only is this airfield in the middle of nowhere - 50 miles from anything, but there's also a dilapidated trailer park too! The tranquility of the said mobile home park is not broken by the multiple explosions occurring nearby. Not a single resident appears (other than the girl). Buscemi is creepy as f*ck in this scene.

Once the plane has been pulled from the earth by some strong convicts, it quickly gets airborne. We get the classic line from Buscemi, and the plane is forced to land on the Vegas airstrip. The movie really could have ended easily at Lerner airfield, but someone higher up decided "No, this has to end with the plane landing on the 'Strip' in Vegas. There's simply no other way!". Cyrus and a few others escape resulting in a climactic firetruck, police motorcycle chase scene. Cage, as promised, 'save's the f*ckin' day' and the bunny from going down the sewer.

Quotes & Cagisms

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It's because of chicken-sh*t pussies like you we lost Vietnam.D-bag redneck in the bar

School is very important Cameron Poe/Cage

Cyrus is a posterchild for the criminally insane.Larkin/Cusack

Don't get all "Wounded Knee" on me!Pinball/Chappelle (to Native American)

Gag and bag this nazi muffin.Guard

The Last Mohican is burning!Pinball/Chappelle

If your dick jumps out of your pants, you jump out of this planeCyrus/Malkovich (to Danny Trejo/Jonny 23)

Hi Garland.Cameron Poe/Cage

What's wrong with him?Bubba Gump (asking about Garland) My first though is... a lot. Cameron Poe/Cage

Put the bunny back in the box...I said put the bunny back in the box. ...Why didn't you just put the bunny back in the box?Cameron Poe/Cage

That was a joke.Larkin/Cusack I'm glad you told me.Cameron Poe/Cage

I'm gonna save the f*ckin' day.Cameron Poe/Cage

Define irony: A bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.Garland/Buscemi

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Care-free realist buddy of Penn's
Cage Hair: High and Tight	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills: 0

Review:Cage and Penn Together Again

This was generally uninteresting

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I'm guessing the title is a metaphor, since nobody actually races the moon in this. Penn is the young contemplative character while Cage provides the much-needed balance in Penn's life. Thankfully, Cage get's orders of magnitude more screen time in this than he did in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Both Cage's and Penn's numbers come up in the draft for WWII, so Penn elects to spend his time moping about trying to become "acquainted" with a local girl - basically he wins her over by stalking her. Cage prefers to occupy bars and attempt to hustle soldiers out of money.

Is the moon supposed to symbolize the night/darkness that will soon fall on these two young guys drafted into a war? Or, does the moon symbolize Cage's future as a paranoid vampire in a future roll? Maybe the moon is a symbol of potential in Cage himself...

Quotes & Cagisms

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Come back nurse! I want to show you my wound!Cage

I aint gonna be no sap to some skirt. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Acapella Gomer Pyle Jock with Bleached Blond Pompadour
Cage Hair: Perfectly quaffed blond pompador	Cage Rating: 5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 0

Review: Aca-What?

A different take on the "Time Travel" genre

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First of all, this is what we're dealing with. I think this movie is a sure sign that FFC maybe shouldn't have directed the LoTR trilogy? Yes, this a different take on the time travel genre and was most certainly a challenging role for Cage. It turns out, Cage was nearly fired for his "artistic choices". He was able to convince Coppola that voice and character was a good choice. Coppola should have flexed a bit more muscle on this point and insisted Cage grow out his hair and stubble to become a young Cameron Poe - he would have been the school heartthrob then.

We later learn that Peggy Sue fainted due to a medical anomaly, but in the meantime, she's living up the last days of her high school years taking hard pulls from her dad's whiskey and smoking Camel Lights in the basement. Peggy hits it up the nerd who later becomes a tech tycoon and beds down the school's poet laureate - who wants to high tail it to Utah to practice Polygamy and raise chickens.

Before Peggy travels back in time due to a heart arrhythmia we see Jim Carrey cutting lines of Columbian Bam Bam on a chemistry table stating "Dentists have access to pharmacy grade cocaine". I checked with my coworkers who are dentists and they categorically denied this (this was after sliding a crisp $20 bill across one their desks accompanied with a wink).

When Peggy is back in her high school days she comes off a bit schizophrenic and more than a little manic. She explains her situation to the nerd, who of course believes her. Peggy gives him ideas for the future so he can go make his millions and the Poet tries to score some nookie from Peggy one last time before graduation.

Peggy relies on her grandfather's fellow Elk members to have a ceremony that will send her back in time. Peggy is saved from the ceremony by Cage during a perfectly timed lightning strike.

I felt conflicted about this one. On the one hand, I wanted more Cage. On the other, I just couldn't look at the trainwreck of a character he was playing. His nasal voice, his big blond hair, and nerdy composure just weren't doing it. Peggy would have fallen for a young Cameron Poe more so than this guy. Sure, he has a dreamy acapella voice and shares the aca-awesome spotlight with Jim Carry. This might be the only role in which Cage actually gets to flex his full vocal muscles - sadly, every other muscle suffered from severe atrophy, leaving a hollowed shell of a character. Poor Cage.

Quotes & Cagisms

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I want to suck your blood. I also want to suck your Twinkie Cage

Oh what the hell. I'm probably dead anyway. Peggy (as she pours a tall whiskey)

You look great for a corpse Smart Guy

Peggy, you know what a penis is. Stay away from it. Peggy's mom (who does not have it going on)

Who needs physics when you've got chemistry? Cage

You mean, my wang?! Cage

We were like two stars in the same constellation Poet (which, means they could be light years apart from an astrophysical standpoint)

The girl is gone. Let's play cards. Elk Lodge Elder

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Veteran of the Port Authority Police Department tenaciously holds on to life waiting to be rescued from being buried in rubble.
Cage Hair: Graying Lengendary	Cage Rating: 6 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 4	Kills: 0

Review: Tragedy + Time ≠ Comedy

I can't make fun of this movie...

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This was almost not a Cage movie! Oliver Stone's first choices were Mel Gibson, George Clooney, John Travolta, and Kevin Costner (not necessarily in that order). It's said that Costner dropped out, but I'm guessing Stone reviewed his accent in Thirteen days (terrible Boston accent) and made the tough call to drop Costner from the project. Luckily, Cage became attached to the production - putting much effort in preparation for his role as Sgt. John McLoughlin, working hard to add yet another perfect accent to his repertoire - this time, authentic New York! Additionally, to get in the mindset of what the character endured, Cage spent hours in a sensory-deprivation tank. He also grew a commanding mustache for his leadership role. These preparations for authenticity were absolutely necessary since the City of New York would not allow any scene recreation from 9/11, or allow actors to look upward toward where the towers would be. So, everything was filmed in LA - requiring 240 tons of material to recreate the rubble scenes.

Authenticity is the name of the game in this Cage joint based on real events. The production even went so far as to include a Zoolander billboard/advertisement in one scene. Now, one might ask why Cage is wearing fireman's gear on the movie poster when he's a police officer. Well, that question is answered when Cage and his crew obtain said gear from a repository in the WTC for this type of event, and it actually makes sense for them to wearing this gear. Shortly after their gear procurement, the towers collapse onto Cage and his crew - leaving only two survivors. Cage and Peña bounce in and out of consciousness.

Now, a movie that just focuses on a trapped mustachioed Cage wouldn't carry viewers attention for 2 hrs. So, the story starts spotlighting the spouses and families of Peña and Cage. Even with the branch of story lines, my attention waned - eventually crumbling much like the debris that was burying Cage and Peña. I longed for them to rescued so the story could draw to a close, and so I could rest easy knowing they survived the whole ordeal. I'm quite surprised it performed so well in the box office with its length and lack of Cage Kills...

Quotes & Cagisms

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My mouth feels like a beach Peña

I don't smile a lot...people don't like me because I don't smoile a lot. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Sexually deprived lawyer starts hallucinating a relationship with a bi-racial vampiress.
Cage Hair:	Cage Rating: 9.0 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 23	Kills: 2

Review: What a Rich Accent!

Cage has a severe case of blue balls

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This one was surprisingly entertaining, until the end. Cage pulls out all the stops - even doing a "rich person" accent, which is a blend of pretentious d-bag and crazy person. Apparently, the accent was intended to be fake (good cover) that Cage's character uses to impress people. Well, I'm impressed! Cage is a philandering publishing executive who's too busy to be bothered with socks unless he's in bed with a woman. Cage is basically a modern-day Casanova - becoming bored with women after their first encounter.

Initially, Cage brings home Jackie (who plays the detective in Hard Target! Cinematic universe crossover!) Cage's sexual prowess isn't limited to humans, when he encounters a member of the Chiroptera order (a bat) he finds himself turned on. His therapist becomes intrigued by this phenomenon but pushes Cage too far and he leaves the session early. The therapist has a surprisingly prominent role in a story about a guy who thinks he's a vampire...

The c*ckblocking bat from the night before leads a sexually frustrated and deprived Cage to put on some fine threads (with socks) and go trolling the local clubs for women. Classy Cage picks up a young hottie that interrupts their nocturnal activities by sucking Cage's blood before he's able to get his 600-thread-count socks off. Cage splits his attention between work and the seductress. Initially focusing on one small contract his secretary is unable to find. This legal agreement for a short story sold some time ago becomes a thorn in Cage's side (though it's never explained why).

A deprived Cage becomes increasingly "more eccentric". During moments of clarity, he blames his irrational behavior on mescaline. Mescaline/Peyote is really the only thing that could explain Cage's erratic end hallucinatory behavior.

I think this actually the story of a bored and sexually frustrated publishing exec that develops a peyote addiction. His addiction leads him to fabricate a relationship with a biracial vampiress who turns him into a vampire - but deprives him of any sexual pleasure. Cage's depravity and frustration are so severe it makes him go cross-eyed for a bit.

During Cage's "transition" to a vampire he determines he's in need of some dental modification. But, he's too cheap to spring for the $40 dentures and opts for the $1.99 plastic vampire teeth. Cage makes the full transition to a vampire when he kills an innocent woman sitting alone in a huge room at a club. Why this woman had the entire room to herself remains a mystery. It's odd she wasn't able to fend Cage off, as he clearly hadn't developed any superhuman vampire strength at that point.

The story is quite entertaining and drags toward the end. A delusional Cage does ransack his own apartment and eats a live pigeon to satiate his blood thirst. But, when the story drags on, even a delusional Cage wandering the streets of New York asking complete strangers to kill him wasn't able to keep me from dozing off for a few seconds. It seems like the director(s) found themselves in the same scenario. Instead of actually creating a conclusion to the story they just had Cage's secretary's brother break into Cage's apartment to assist Cage with self-impalement with a broken wood pallet board. Cue setting sun and credits.

Quotes & Cagisms

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I'm fighting this bat off all alone, and I'll be damned if I didn't get...really turned on! Cage

I came down (Cage referring to his wang). I was in mortal combat with a f*cking bat! Give me a break! Cage

Am I getting through to you? Alva!? Cage

A B C D E F G

H I J K L M N O

P Q R S T U V

W X Y Z!

Cage Very good, you know the alphabet Therapist

Mmiscaline is some strange stuff. I'll never do that again. Cage

Shoot me! Not the floor! Cage

My girlfriend broke up with me. I'm a vampire. Kill me! Cage to complete strangers

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Rapey Italian Lieutenant in need of Dental Work
Cage Hair: Class Young Cage	Cage Rating: 6 Cage out of 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 1

Review: Don't stick your D*ck in Turban

I think this is a metaphor for unprotected sex...

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First of all, let's start with the IMDB plot summary...

1936, Italian army is invading Ethiopia. Lieutenant Silvestri suffering toothache decides to reach the nearest camp hospital. But the lorry has an accident and stop near a rock, so Silvestri continues by walk. On his way he meets and rapes a wonderful young Ethiopian. He also wound her when he shot to a wild animal, and later kills her to avoid further pain. When he finally reaches the hospital, he realizes he gets probably leprosy. Trying to escape from Ethiopia Silvestri will kill again. But surprises aren't still over

Grammatical errors aside, this is one lousy storyline. Poor Cage can't sleep due to a toothache and decides to head out to the next camp where a dentist is located. On his way the truck he's riding in crashes due to an inept driver. Cage, can't take the pain and decides to walk. On said walkabout, he encounters a young Ethiopian woman. Cage stands by the river and puts out the rape vibe.

Cage acts on his "rapist wit", but then his guilt gets the best of him and he offers her various forms of "payment" from his rucksack. Guilty Cage has limits though, and reluctantly gives up his nice Italian watch.

The young lady ends up chillin' with Cage for the evening, wherein he gets trigger happy around some hyenas. An unfortunate ricochet hits the young woman and Cage must lay her to rest - not purposely killing her as the summary states. On the up side, he gets his trusty watch back.

Cage then proceeds to meander about in self-pity when he thinks he's contracted leprosy from his prior sexual assault of the young woman. Karma's a bitch Cage! This becomes the fuel on which the entire "plot" of the story is driven (weak at best).

Cage meanders around becoming increasingly more paranoid about his assumed contraction of leprosy (which can take years to manifest itself). Gradually, Cage becomes unhinged and seeks refuge with the girl's father and channels his inner "Vampire" tendencies (basically embodies the character he played in Vampire's Kiss).

Cage eventually gets his furlough and makes it home to his nice Italian wife and life, where I'm sure he immediately informed her of his transgressions.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Will. It. Hurt? Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Beach-going, jean shorts donning exercise nut with confidence and swagger who wishes wars were fought in nice places like the French Riveria.
Cage Hair: Surfer Dude	Cage Rating: 2 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 0

Review: Biceps Make you a Man

Crispin cuts some rug while Coppola works out on the beach.

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Cage's first billed appearance (as Nicolas Copolla...before he became Nic Cage) helped him prepare for his role in Red Rock West (both required him to do one-handed pushups). After a long day of inhaling fumes from refinishing a floor, I can safely say watching this 48-minute atrocity killed more brain cells than the prior 10 hours of noxioius fume inhalation. Also, the audio and video weren't in sync - which is like enduring lag in real life. Thankfully the full video is available on youtube so I didn't have to pay any money to see it. Said movie was sponsored by Charmin, which I would recommend you procure to help wipe the sh*tty memory of this piece of garbage from your memory. If you don't, you'll start wondering just how this catastrophe was made, which will cause an aneurysm and you will suffer from the most tragic death in human history.

This "made for TV movie" (complete with a sh*t-ass laugh track) follows the lives of a group of teenagers in an attempt to explain why their lives aren't as easy as their parents and other adults would think. A series of disconnected vignettes only undermine the point Crispin is trying to make. When Crispin and his cronies are shot down for trying to redeem a ton of bottles they turn into a D-List stomp crew - making music out of convenience store items. At the end of their ear-bleeding performance, they just run out of the store with a bunch of items - stealing! Later, Crispin has the audacity to ask the store owner to donate snacks for this dance. F*cking teenagers!

Cage is the "cool athletic dude" that gives advice to Kevin about how to score dates with women. Cage attributes most of his success with women to his biceps, which Kevin doesn't have. A terrible dialogue ensues (slightly more terrible than the rest of the lines in this movie...slightly). There were too many bad lines to document in this, as pretty much every line uttered was cringe worthy. If you're still curious you can subject yourself to just the cage parts.

There's another random "musical" number in which the women complain about the price of designer jeans and sexually assault Crispin while making a mess of a department store. And yet another musical scene where Crispin and cronies are conducting a car wash - terribly. They sing and dance but do very little actual washing of cars. Cage/Coppola goes so far as to damage the underside of one of the cars.

In perhaps the worst case of Breaking the 4th Wall (if you want to see a compliation of well done 4th wall breaking watch this) ever filmed, Cage has a monolog where opens up about his concern about going to war in El Salvador. Cage/Coppola wonders why wars aren't fought in nice places, like the French Riveria. Cage/Coppola points to his biceps as proof of his manhood - exempting him from selective service. Cage/Coppola does exploit this scenario by using it to make women feel sorry for him - that sly dog!

Cage/Coppola lacked his manicured mane of chest hair, but he was in top physical form. Erin also noticed his jean shorts (jorts) had "dick wear" pattern in the crotch. That's right he wore them so much that his man bits created a wear pattern. Despite Cage/Copolla's physique and feathered hair I cannot recommend anybody watch this trainwreck "after school special".

Quotes & Cagisms

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She works out a lot. The problem is working out makes her hungry. Crispin talking about girl character as she is running and eating a Twinkie

Hit. Smash. Hit..Making it all bloody. Cage/Copolla (talking about Rocky while shadow boxing)

Hey Nic, do you think I'm good looking? Kevin Not to me you're not Cage/Copolla

I think "I'm the most wonderful man you've ever seen. My magnificent biceps drive you wild with desire." Cage/Copolla

Remember. You're beautiful. Cage/Copolla

Look at that. I thought I WAS a man already. Cage/Copolla pointing to his bicep as proof

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: A lonely local weatherman who gets fast food thrown at him takes up Archery and takes control of his life.
Cage Hair: Classy Buisness Combover.	Cage Rating: 7.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 6.5	Kills: 0

Review: So Refreshing

Cage is no hill of beans in this.

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A contemplative and sorrowful Cage works as a weatherman in Chicago, known for his catchphrase the "Spritz Nipper". He drives a Volvo (not a beige one) and has to deal with his hypercritical father the separation from his wife.

Cage's monolog/voiceover is outstanding. Similar to that of Adaptation. His self-loathing/deprecating and vocalized observations are what make his character all the more entertaining. Michale Caine also plays an incredible aloof yet critical father figure.

Cage is constantly trying to please his father and two children who mostly live with is ex-wife. His Daughter briefly takes up archery, but quickly loses interest when she realizes that she won't be killing animals anytime soon. Cage, in turn, does take up archery and becomes a regular Robin Hood.

A flashback reveals that Cage thinks he could have salvaged his crumbling marriage by remembering the tartar sauce when picking up take-out. Yeah, it's often the "little things" that erode a relationship - f*cking tartar sauce!

When Cage gets the offer from "Hello, America!" (Basically Good Morning America) he takes his daughter shopping in New York for more conservative attire to mitigate the name calling of his daughter (camel toe). Innocently, his daughter takes the name as a compliment because camel toes are tough - able to survive long treks across dry rocky terrain.

Caine has a Living Funeral where Cage's speech is cut short due to a power outage. He walks out, takes some soothing zen archery shots before turning and drawing an arrow at his ex-wife's fiance - but doesn't shoot. Cage realizes the fast food thrown at him is ironic and allegorical, in that he himself is fast food - providing no actual nutrition or substance for people, only empty calories.

This is no action-tastic Cage, but it's a solid performance. I wish he had honed this type of character more for Leaving Las Vegas. Oh, and Nicholas Hoult is in this!

Quotes & Cagisms

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That was refreshing. I'm refreshing. Cage

People recognize me sometimes. Some are dicks. Cage

I'm not a hill of beans. I have a plan Cage (I have absolutely no idea what this quote means)

I receive a large reward for little effort and zero contribution. Cage

What must you think of me, your family leader, your non-meteorologist yet weatherman frosty-taking fuck-happy son? Cage (looking at a photo of his father)

We didn't go bungee jumping! It's a f*cking potato sack race! Cage

You're a dildo. Pork f*ck pork*fucker! Cage

I wish I had two dicks. Cage

You're a real blue-ribbon fuck! Cag'es ex wife, Noreen

If you don't want your father to think you're a silly f*ck don't slap a guy accross the face with your gloves. Cage

I bet no one ever through a pie at Harriet Tubman. Cage

I've been doing the show fo ra few months now. Nobody thros food at me anymore. Maybe that's beucase I carry a bow around. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: A cursed southern stunt motorcyclist finds a silver lining in being posessed by a flaming demon.
Cage Hair: If Bieber and Cage had a lovechild it would have this hair.	Cage Rating: 5.5 Cages out 10
Freakouts: 3	Kills: 14

Review: Let's Riiiide!

I was a bit worried about having seen the sequel first. After a few minutes, I becamse more worried about how I was going to survive this movie.

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According to IMDB, Cage is a huge fan of Ghost Rider and lobbied hard to play the role. He's such a fan that he has a Ghost Rider tattoo, which had to be covered up for his role. While Cage was born for the role, his hair wasn't. The hair piece required 3 hours to apply every day.

The Devil, played by Peter Fonda shows up when a young Cage/Johnny Blaze discovers his dad has cancer. Expectedly, the Devil offers a young Cage a deal. The Devil get's Cage's soul and his dad is cured. However, the Devil is a huge dick and kills his father the following day.

Grownup Blaze/Cage (in full Bieber Hair) eats jelly beans out of a martini glass and acts just a big unhinged (Cage was born for this role!) while drinking piping hot coffee right out of the pot. All this occurs to give us the impression that Blaze has no regard for his life. That is, until cleave...I mean Eva Mendes shows up. Cage woo's Mendes and her cleavage some sweet motorcycle tricks that end up causing a massive traffic jam on the freeway. All of the victims of said jam are elated to see Cage and ask for autographs instead of beating him senseless for his stupidity.

Cage stands up Mendes a second time when he turns into the Rider which is license for Cage to have epic freakouts (again, he was born for this role). We see a glimpse of a shirtless Cage in the mirror where he's ripped. At first I thought it was just a body double, or every time Cage does a southern accent he gets ripped. I was disappointed to learn that they just used CGI to give Cage his Con Air body. Meanwhile, Mendes get's ripped on wine at some local restaurant. After plowing through a couple bottles, she consults the Magic 8-ball she apparently carries around in her purse.

Eventually the "Epic Showdown" occurs over The Contract of San Venganza, which the Devil's Son is after (played by Wes Bently/American Beauty dude) so he can take over the world. Cage and him duke it out for a while with Cage throwing fireballs at him. If said contract is on paper (like every evil document in this movie) couldn't Cage just burn it when he's the rider? He is made of fire, after all.

Cage is victorious and gets the girl. The Devil offers to relieve him of his curse, but Cage decides to keep it. Consequently, the Devil is pissed, which makes us wonder why he just can't take the curse back - he is the Devil...

This is basically just Cage in full leather for nearly 2 hours. Occasionally freaking out and turning into a flaming motorcycle demon that takes the souls of bad people and saving good people (which includes Rebel Wilson/Fat Amy).

Quotes & Cagisms

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Call me old fashioned. Human sacrifice makes me uncomfortable. Mack/Donal Logue

Thanks for the info. I feel much better knowing that I'm the Devil's Bounty Hunter.Cage

He may have my soul. But, he doesn't have my spirit. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Weird maffioso with a strange accent.
Cage Hair: volumously feathered	Cage Rating: 8.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 11	Kills: 1

Review: All These F*cks, and Not One to Give

Cage is a tour de force, a force which is subdued by bad supporting roles and

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I'd been looking forward to watching this for quite a while. Coppolas working together! This time Cage working with Francis' cousin, Christopher. That one dude from Terminator is in this, as the main character. He's a baby step above David Caruso (who's a colossally bad actor).

Basically, Michael Biehn (Kyle Reese from Terminator and referred to by that name hereafter) was set up and screwed out of money...or was he? Reese jumps through a series of hoops to get his money back all to find out Coburn had set him up in a double cross of sorts to get diamonds from Coburn's twin brother. All of this is a loosely constructed plot device to assist Cage in transforming into one of the best characters ever played in cinematic history.

Cage plays a con man with an accent that epitomizes "sleazy". Cage's girl (Sam from PCU cheats on Cage by taking a trip to the bone zone with Kyle.) This provides Cage the traumatic event to launch his tour de force culminating in his iconic freakout scene.

I'm guessing Cage's character was his own manifestation, much like every other character he plays - Cage imparts much of his own style in every role he does. I also think the dialogue was so terrible that Cage opted to simply ad-lib most of his lines - resulting in laughable/awesome lines being delivered by the doctor himself.

This movie is so perfect why would anyone feel the need to remake it?...

Quotes & Cagisms

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What's the matter? Cat got your f*ckin' tongue? Cage

Time to kiss the baby friendCage

F*ck! F*ck! F*ck, f*ckin fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! F*ck! Hi-F*cking YA! Cage

Well viva la f*cking France man! Cage

It's a crazy f*ckin' world we live in man! Cage

Hell f*cking yeah man! The Joker's f*ckin' wild man! Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Supremely Confident Helicopter Pilot with Optometry Issues Seeks Redemption for His Fallen Friend
Cage Hair: pseudo military high and tight	Cage Rating: meh...6 Cages otu of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 1

Review: So....Top Gun with Helicopters?

I guess this has a plot...

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Yet another golden opportunity found on YouTube. I'm all for compensating artists for their work. But, the cost of enduring this tragically bad movie was counteracted by with Tommy Lee Jones' witty lines throughout the movie. I guess this is from an era when we truly declared war on the drug cartels - to the extent for stationing armed forces in the South American desert to seek out drug operations and deal with an (as in only one) ace drug helicopter pilot.

Cage's love interest in the movie has less charisma than Zandalee. Total deadpan delivery with no inflection or emotion behind a single line. Ther was a sweet simulator scene which dated the movie fantastically. Cage aces the simulator but gets stuck when he has to use an ocular display. We find out he's right-handed but left eye dominant - which I guess is a real thing. Well, nearly everyone has one dominant eye, so I don't fully understand the crippling problem Cage is dealing with. One quick trip around the base with a woman's undergarment as a blindfold and a toy periscope cures him of this debilitating disorder

There's one dude that just appears to sit in a poorly lit room, alone, video conferencing with a black dude. These two guys make all the military decisions in the movie. Basically, every scene with Tommy Lee Jones was a winner. He'd flip an insult or metaphor that was incredibly appropriate for the situation. He's also an ace Helo pilot that trains Cage to hone his skills (albeit quite quickly). Cage ends up smoking the bad guy helo pilot and getting the girl, after a dog fight where Tommy's helicopter went down. Cage and apathetic Zandalee are quite chipper for just having a brush with death.

Apart from South America and the American Southwest looking identical and the military base closely resembling the Tuscon Community College I see no issues with this movie.

The famed Siskel & Ebert review it in this short video where he describes it as the "bottom half of a double bill and it isn't much more".

Quotes & Cagisms

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When we have mastered these tactics, we will use them to seek out and confront the forces of evil and kill 'em deader than hell! Jones

Your whole life is a quiz young man. Jones

Boy, you're gonna be busier than a three-peckered goat. Jones

I AM THE GREATEST!Cage

I'm too old to have fun. I'm 40 years old and I wanna go home. Jones (me too Jones, me too)

Sir! That was totally cool! I'd totally marry that thing! Cage

... a 1st class all American hero with his heart and brain wired together cooking full tilt boogie for freedom and justice Jones

Don't get me wrong. I"m not saying I'm not a genius. Jones

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Mildly derranged shaman wizard ant who suffers from being quite ticklish
Cage Hair: crazy ant antennae	Cage Rating: 4 cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 0

Review: Cage as an Ant Wizard

Wizardy must be pretty easy if you can just make up words to create magic...

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Take Dr. Cage's characters from Outcast and The Sorcerer's Apprentice and place him in a PG-rated animated movie aimed at kids. That's essentially what Cage's character Zoc is (minus the cycloptic snake charming). Cage is after some fire stones to complete a potion that will turn their dreaded "Ant Bully" into a being the size of an ant - making a once invincible enemy weak and yielding.

As to be expected with a children's movie from this era, the dialogue is mostly terrible. The allegory of violence becoming a vicious circle is okay...I guess. Lucas/Peanut gets picked on by a toolbag bully. Lucas, without friends, takes to picking on the poor ant colony...

Cage drops some magic potion in the kid's ear and they whisk him off to the colony. Julia Roberts sneaks a peak at the naked little child asking about gender roles - making for a rather weird scene.

Every character in this movie is overshadowed by Bruce Campbell's incredible voice acting. That man was made for over-the-top roles! Cage, reluctantly save's the f*ckin' day by voluntarily getting eaten by a frog after Lucas falls victim to the amphibian's gut.

The ants band together with their nemesis wasps to fight off the formidable exterminator voice by Paul Giamatti. Lucas is heralded as the savior of the colony. Cage gives Lucas the potion to become big again and all is right with the world.

The epic final battle could have all been stopped if stubborn Cage would have just given Lucas the "big potion" and allowed him to confront the exterminator in his fullly human form. This would have saved countless ant lives, but not allowed for the alliance to be forged between ants and wasps.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Away monster! I will use my powers to destroy you!...Powers I have yet to perfect. Cage

How can I be pronouncing it wrong? I made it up. Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Distant and unsympathetic lover
Cage Hair: Legnedary, I think.	Cage Rating: -10 Cages out 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review: What the F*ck?

What the actual F*ck...

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An apathetic Cage breaks up with Laura Dern over the phone - not classy Cage! Not classy at all! I was able to follow the movie up through their discussion. Once that was over I was totally lost.

I can't claim to follow or be a fan of David Lynch, if I harbored any interest in Lynch it would have died with the viewing of this trainwreck. Great Odin's Raven this was bad. Thank Loki it was only 48 minutes.

I'm supposing this movie was billed as an "artistic piece". I subscribe the Ron Swanson view/criticism of art where "Anything is anything" - except this piece of garbage movie. There's some dude floating around the stage on wires while a half naked woman climbs around the stage making out with inanimate objects.

A midget shows up and starts sawing logs in a Fedora while wearing platform shoes, why? because why not. "Anything is anything". All this occurs while a blond version of Liza Minnelli hangs from wires and sings operatically. Said singer eventually falls and I was hopeful that would be the end of this trainwreck, but upon checking the runtime at the point I discovered there was still a solid 15 minutes left if this eye-bleeding performance. Lynch missed a golden opportunity here. Cage is a known opera enthusiast and has no issue with strutting around in his undies while singing operatically (see The Family Man)

The fedora-donning midget from earlier performs a soliloquy accompanied by an oboe and a woman moving seductively. Then, the "Blondie Minelli" comes back from the dead to sing some more.

Cage is hardly in this. I just grew progressively more upset at how utterly random and idiotic this pompous turd of a movie was.

Quotes & Cagisms

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None. This movie is not quotable it's an utter waste of the material and resources required to make it.

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Helicopter father puts his family at risk to avoid "change", reluctantly embraces change to save his family.
Cage Hair: Cro Magnon	Cage Rating: 6.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 7	Kills: 0 (unless you count piranha birds)

Review: Ryan Reynolds Steals the Show, as Usual

A cautionary tale about the risks of avoiding change.

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Cage and has disheveled clan of a family stuck to the same routine of seeking safety and solace in their humble cave dwelling - only coming out during daylight when it's safe. This family expends far more energy procuring/hunting food than the caloric value of the food they obtain. I'm guessing their huting success rate is likely to be 50% at best. Why don't they just eat their drepit old mother-in-law? Cage wants her dead, and goes so far as flipping the septuagenarian like a coin to make decisions (some foul play is at work for her to have lived this long on such a sparse diet).

As Cage's daughter starts coming of age she develops a curiosity that causes her to meet dreamy Ryan Reynolds' character, Guy (and his pet sloth). Cage is reluctant to heed Guy's warnings when a massive geological event takes place, decimating the family cave and much of the landscape. Cage's aversion to change might be seen as an allegory to the older generation being stuck in their ways and not giving the younger generation(s) opportunity to lead in a fruitful but unknown direction. Or, it's just a cautionary tale about the consequences of being a helicopter/paranoid parent. Either way, the message is solid.

Cage and Guy have a nice back and forth while they travel to safety through a magical world full of psychedelic seat turtles, walking land whales, rainbow colored saber cats, and vicious piranha birds. Guy saves the day multiple times - whether it's by making use of fire, creating a trap to catch a giant bird, or by outfitting the family with some killer kicks. Guy is an expert marionette puppeteer. In fact, everyone (despite their neanderthal appearance) has an excellent command of marionette puppeteering.

Guy's many displays or outdoorsman ship and general prowess have the viewer questioning how the Croods have managed to survive as long as they have. Guy, by all accounts is a master outdoorsman - on par with Berr Grylls. The Croods are your inbred cousins that you catch eating their own boogers at the family reunion.

After a long journey, the gang is stymied by a massive earthquake - separating them from their goal of arriving at safety. Cage, in a moment of self-realization, throws Guy and the rest of his family over the void so they can continue on to safety. Cage displays ingenuity not seen in his character prior to this point by flying to safety in a land whale ribcage with piranha birds stuck to it with tar. Cage displays his softer side by saving the rainbow sabertooth. While flying to safety, Cage treats this rib cage of freedom like Noah's ark - rescuing several other animals en route to safety.

Cage adopts guy as his new brother-in-law and the whole fam-damily settle into their new life on their beach front property.

Quotes & Cagisms

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It's still early Cage You're still fat. Mother-in-law

Release the baby!Cage

New is always bad! Cage

I'm calling it a brain. I'm pretty sure it's where ideas come from Guy/Reynolds

Big words anger me!Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Chained up Ghost
Cage Hair: Unsure, he's a ghost...	Cage Rating: 2 Cages out 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review: How did this cost $12 million?

Something doesn't add up

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No need to get into details on this one, it's a tail we're all familiar with. But, the animation quality and short amount of Cage time brings into question just what the budget was spent on. The animation quality resembles that of some third-rate studio comprised of artists/writers/animators that were passed up by the studio that brought us Berenstein Bears. I half-heartedly paid attention to the story. I perked up when I heard the sweet vocal timbre of Cage. Alas, his presence was brief and uninspiring...

The existence of this movie is truly vexing. 2001 was the year "Harry Potter", "Shrek", "Monsters, Inc", "Spirited Away", "Final Fantasy", and "Shallow Hal" were released. This animated tragedy could have been slapped together by an autistic 3rd grader in Microsoft Paint. In fact, that's probably what happened. Murakami paid Cage and Winslet a cool $1 million, than ran off with the other 10 - leaving Kal-El with some animal crackers and Mr. Pibb to take care of the animation. Here's an official trailer of sorts...

Oh, yeah. There are mice everywhere too. I don't know why, or how they're significant. Maybe Scrooge becomes sympathetic to even the plague-carrying vermin by the end?...

Quotes & Cagisms

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None, this movie is not quotable

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Nice Punk Surfer Dude Creeper
Cage Hair: Punk Rock Chic	Cage Rating: 4.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 0

Review: Sooo trippindicular

"It's awesome!" - Roger Ebert

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The first movie where Nic Coppola is billed as Nic Cage! The script was apparently written in 10 days, wich is about 9.5 days longer than I would have guessed it took. Producers aimed to make it based off Frank Zappa's Single Valley Girl, but Zappa declined to be involved. Zappa later sued and lost the case.

The opening involves high school girls running up "astronomical" $200 credit card bills while shopping at the mall. I guess this is what people in "the valley" do for fun. Post credit card swiping montage there's some incoherent mumbling around a food court table that I think is supposed to set up/foreshadow the direction of the movie, but since the dialogue was incomprehensible and laced with valley lingo I couldn't discern the subject of the conversation very well. Julie (the main character) breaks up with her hot, but dumb boy toy Tommy for nebulous reasons.

Soon enough it cuts to the obligatory beach seen where we get our first glimpse of Cage with a perfectly manicured triangular mane of chest hair. Cage's friend gets wind of a party in "the valley", but Randy/Cage isn't in the "mood" to go to the valley. At said party, Tommy basically sexually assaults Loryn (Julie's friend) the night he's dumped by Julie. Tommy accomplishes this by guilt-tripping her into feeling sympathetic for his recently dumped ass. Tommy, in true form, undoes Loryn's bra so the audience gets a nice glimpse of her boobs 15 minutes in. Tommy freaks out when she asks if they're dating now and leaves, only to find Randy hitting it off with Julie. So, Tommy throws a punch at Randy and gets his minions to kick him out of the party.

Randy/Cage returns, although this time he climbs into the second story bathroom window and camps out in the shower stall until Julie inevitably walks in. This is a strange tactic, where he has to endure people smoking weed, and I'm sure a fragrant BM or two. Randy's efforts prevail and he talks Julie into leaving the party so he can take her to "his side of town". Julie didn't seem the least bit upset that Randy/Cage just appeared in the bathroom.

There's a nice scene where Julie mumbles incoherently while Cage longingly looks into her eyes. They end up making out while Randy/Cage's friend chases Julie's friend around the car like 4-year-old on a sugar high. After a night on the town, Julie returns home to find her mom doing some crazy yoga position that involves her posing inverted spread eagle with her crotch pointed toward the door. After a nice dating montage, Julie has fallen from grace and starts wearing a leather jacket. Tommy takes notice and pits Julie's friends against her forcing her to choose between her friends and Randy. All of which is accomplished through very little dialog.

A side plot develops wherein Skip sort of tries to score with Suzie's (Julie's friends) mom when delivering groceries. A strange somewhat cryptic, but disconnected dialog ensues between Suzie's mom and Skip. Suzie's mom makes a pass at Skip, but he can't oblige since he has more groceries to deliver, and because he's incredibly dumb. Later on Skip is riding to Suzie's house on his sweet bike with the bars flipped up in a "DUI special" configuration. Skip lets himself in and creepily wanders about the house to find a woman showering. Turns out it's Suzie, and her mom walks in on them while they're in the bonezone.

After that side story has concluded we're back to Julie and her dilemma. She apparently takes solace in a creepy as f*ck clown doll that she sleeps with. Julie decides to break it off with trippindicular Randy/Cage, but Randy won't give up without a fight. Randy/Cage enters full-on creeper/stalker mode and shows up in "costume" everywhere Julie and Tommy go. Randy is even camping out on Julie's lawn!

Cut to prom night where Randy/Cage sneaks in with his sidekick - both donning colored hair (Cage in full punk rock chic hair). Randy beats up Tommy backstage before the king/queen prom announcement. Julie is enamored with Randy's display of unbridled hostility and they run out to the car Julie and Tommy took to prom and the credits roll.

There are numerous WTF moments peppered throughout this classic Cage performance - from Julie's friend forgetting the anatomical name for breasts, to high school girls dancing and lip syncing in their underwear. Watch it with a friend and take a sip of your favorite beverage every time there's an abrupt and unexplained cut to a different scene.

Quotes & Cagisms

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He's got the Bod, but his brains are bad news. Julie (in reference to Tommy)

If I were 20 years younger Julie's Dad (talking about her friend, in front of that friend)

It's the way we do things that makes the difference Randy/Cage

He's just, like, trippindicular. you know? Julie (talking about Randy/Cage)

Is this in 3d?Tommy No, but your face is Randy/Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Crooked crazy cop with a gold cellphone and a penchant for loud silk shirts
Cage Hair: Legendary	Cage Rating: 6.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 14	Kills: 0

Review: Believe your eyes, it's bad

Cage is the sewer king?

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In a classic case of "Who done it", Cage plays a flippant Atlantic City cop toting a gold cell phone and wearing a loud silk shirt. The plot to this is somewhat like "The Rock", only much less entertaining, but perhaps more Cage-tastic (despite my Cage Rating). Sinise is looking to fast track weapons deal in order to get redemption/retribution for an attack on a Naval ship. Cage's phone rings off the hook because apparently the cinematography or storyline can't carry any viewer's attention. So, any lull in dialog is filled with Cage's gold phone ringing and talking to either his wife and kid or girlfriend on the side. When met with any confrontation he just shoves his badge in their face and goes about his business.

The Secretary of defense, a defense contractor, and a military general (played by Gary Sinise) are all attending a boxing match in an Atlantic City Casino. Why, because why not. It turns out that there's a major weapons deal going down, but some young researcher found the test data to be doctored. So, of course, the Secretary of Defense tells her to approach him at the aforementioned boxing match - not in email form, or telephone. Meet in a busy arena with a bunch of loud people - totally logical.

It turns out that Sinise is on the plot and kills the Secretary to prevent any hiccups in the arms deal yet to be solidified. One would think that the assassination of the Secretary might present a few hiccups in any large government contract deals, but you'd be wrong! One of the best scenes (that I hope was improved) was Sinise shooting one of henchman. Said victim turns around to see Sinise holding a gun pointed at him and exclaims "I've been shot!".

Sinise confides in Cage about this top secret weapons deal/system, stating only a handful of people know about it. Later on, it appears the every citizen in the US is aware of the program. Cage is able to piece together his haphazard scheme through viewing of security footage and talking to the young researcher who discovered the doctored data. To keep her safe he locks her in some random utility room.

In reality, the plot was an afterthought. It seems more likely that De Palma and writers just wanted to stick Cage in a venue where he can wander around, freak out, talk on his gold flip phone, and wear loud silk shirts.

Quotes & Cagisms

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What's up your ass? Cage

Fat, fantastic, I love it. Cage

I was made for this sewer baby, and I am the KING! Cage

Five people make a conspiracy, right? Cage

That's the plan. She was there to give you a boner, and you got one! Cage

Maybe in 12-18 months from now I'll give you a call Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Rapey stalker artist.
Cage Hair:Terribly feathered fake mullet	Cage Rating:4 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 0

Review: If you're persistent enough in a rapey way, you'll get the girl

"Everyone wears Kimonos, except for Cage. He's too cool for Kimonos"

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I was beginning to think this movie was my own personal "Eleanor". The best price found was $26 for a VHS. A fellow Cage enthusiast was able to find the full version on Youtube. In fact, there are multiple full versions! Our hunch was that it's so terrible and made so little money that nobody cares about a pirated version being on the web - not even Cage, who is prone to being quite litigious.

Subtitles would have been helpful, because of the poor quality. There's so much going on this movie, and yet nothing at all. Cage has crap hair extensions to create an "artistic mullet" and facial hair that belongs on a jean shorts wearing roller skater from the 80's. Less than 3 minutes into the movie we are subjected to full frontal nudity. This boldness makes sense since the two first "plot keywords" for the IMDB entry are "pubic hair" and "nudity". I'm fairly certain the casting call for the role of Zandalee was just the head producers in a room asking women the following:

• Do you run?
• Are you willing be naked for most of the time?
• Are you capable of having zero on-screen chemistry with everyone?

Theirry played by Judge Reinhold is married to Zandalee. But we learn that he suffers from some sort of self-imposed genital paralysis. My hypothesis is that his disability has something to do with the glitter he carries around in his pocket and the fez he wears in one of the first scenes. I thought "Drive Angry: Shot in 3D" was a schizophrenic bag of garbage. Zandalee is a bunch of random scenes stitched together by an insane bonobo. Neil's dong paralysis is also likely due to the lack of chemistry between him and Zandalee. "Zand" has the personality of a corpse, while she and Neil have the chemistry of an inert gas.

Zand finds promise in her affair with Johnny/Cage - who is an "artist" but works some sort of blue collar job wherein Neil is his boss. In Johnny's spare time he paints. His art looks comparable to that of a finger painting by colorblind 5-year-old hopped up on Mtn. Dew and Fun Dip.

During a confusing love scene between Cage and Zand she declares that she won't do drugs. So, Cage cleverly begins to sensually massage her with what I think was Olive Oil mixed with a fat rail of "white lightning" while he finger blasts her.

Zand eventually calls off the affair. Cage freaks out - creating the iconic scene where he slathers himself in black paint. Zand and Neil (sans fez) go away to reboot their marriage. We learn that Neil's disability is cured by boats n' hoes. Neil's blissful comeback is short lived when creepy stalker Cage shows up on their getaway. Neil and Cage dance for a bit (because, why not). Then, Neil pulls a gun on Cage and Zand. In any other movie, this wouldn't make any sense, but in this erratic piece of cinema it makes just as much sense as every other scene. All three hop in a boat. Neil is firing randomly into the forest, falls out, and elects to let himself drown

Shortly after this the credits role and any viewer still paying attention is utterly confused. It's also worth mentioning that a very young Joe Pantoliano plays a cross-dressing friend of Zandalee (maybe even a coworker?), and Steve Buscemi plays a convict garbage man. Both of the two aforementioned roles exhibit more acting ability than any of the main characters.

Quotes & Cagisms

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Without creativity, without life, you are truly unable to go straight up the devil's ass and look him straight in the eye...and surviveJohnny/Cage

When that big red snatch is coming right up in your face like a freight train it's pretty hard to paint, I'll tell you what! Johnny/Cage

Your arms are around me, but you're so far away. Zandalee

I wanna shake you naked and eat you alive Johnny/Cage to Zandalee

I know what you are, nothing but a dumb coon-ass prickZandalee Take my dumb coon-ass prick inside of you Johnny/Cage

What about this? Is this poetry?Jonny/Cage while he fingers Zand

Let me tell you something about people. People die, and people die. Everybody dies so leave him. Jonny/Cage talking about Zand leaving Neil

Thank you Father! Jonny/Cage after a trip to the bonezone with Zand in the confession booth

You're really goin coon-ass man!Johnny/Cage to Neil

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Broke diamond salesman donning orange shades to make him resemble Hunter S. Thompson on a bad day.
Cage Hair: Creepy father hair that's a wig	Cage Rating: 1 Cage out of 10
Freakouts: 5.5	Kills: 1

Review: Are you F*cking Cartooning Me!

Cage get's the sniffles when he gets angry.

---

What the hell was going through the minds of studio executives when they decided to make this schizophrenic piece of garbage? Whatever they were thinking, I'm sure they regretted it when this movie set the record for shortest time from theatrical premiere to DVD release (18 days). More vexing is how they spent $35 million on this! From what I can surmise, Cage somehow sold this to studio execs so he would have the opportunity occasionally kiss and touch Nicole Kidman.

Basically, a bunch of halfwits invade Cage/Kidman's home to get diamonds or money (they don't care which). They continually have the upper hand, but can't pull their sh*t together and get the job done. There's countless "red herrings" to lead the viewer astray (assuming the viewer is just as much a halfwit as the burglars). The motivations are continually changing for each character, but you as the viewer, you just don't care.

If you thought this cinematic disaster couldn't get worse, you thought wrong. There are countless inconsistencies to accompany the idiocy occurring on screen. Kidman wants to have dinner as a family, but Cage is going out on as sales call. Kidman dons a black a dress for their stay at home dinner (maybe to get some nook from Cage's character). Kidman's character is sexually frustrated from neglectful Cage, and Cage talks to Kidman like she's 5-years-old.

Cage is a "busy businessman" too busy selling diamonds to give any attention to Kidman. Their daughter doesn't care about either of her parents and rightly so since some dweeb in a cop costume gains entry to their zombie-proof compound by simply asking to talk to them.

The ring leader of this sh*t circus tries to play mind games with Cage and Kidman as to his motivation. At first he needs a kidney, then something else (I may have lost consciousness for a bit due to the lunacy I was watching), then we find out it's because he's indebted to a drug dealer. Meanwhile, ring leader's tweaker girlfriend just disappears herself (I pulled that line from Stolen) to the master bedroom to get high, disrobe, and watch home movies while trying on dresses from Kidman's wardrobe.

The entire time Cage refuses to open his safe, then agrees to, then doesn't (this happens too many times to count). The burglar ring-leader responds by threatening to kill Cage or a member of his family. This interaction creates a broken record of cat and mouse, except the record is playing Rebecca Black's Friday (her music video might be better, only because it has a shorter runtime than "Trespass") and both parties are mice in a near vegetative state after ingesting a near lethal dose of rat poison. It's like everyone involved was instructed to drag this 10-minute short out into a full length "movie". Eventually, we learn that Cage isn't broke but instead is flushed with cash that he hid behind a wall in their house (which is still under construction). Which brings me to another point. Who the hell finishes all the landscaping to a property, and part of the house, leaving the other part under construction? Cage also puts up a sheet of drywall with a nail gun, which isn't correct at all! Drywall is secured with screws!

This is a sh*tty hybrid of Reverse Taken and Panic Room wherein Cage miraculously survives a gunshot the the femoral artery (which any normal human would pass out from after about a minute) to produce the only "Cage Kill" of the movie - with the best employment of a nail gun as a weapon since Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 2. Cage also shut down production for a day when he insisted on switching roles (mid-shoot) to become the villain. Filming resumed the following day with Cage keeping his original role - silly Cage!.

Quotes & Cagisms

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I need hugs. Cage

Are you cartooning me!? Cage

$10,000 I doubt it, 10 hundred maybe! Cage (10 hundred would be $1,000. I'm betting this line was improved and they just went with it.)

If it's a kidney you want, take mine ass f*ck! Cage

Yeah, do it shit hole!Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Wanna be gangster turned real gangster with a sic mustache
Cage Hair: 100% pomade	Cage Rating: 7 cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 3 (estimated)

Review: So much "N Word"

Facial hair makes the sibling resemblance believable.

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I'm not 100% certain what this movie was supposed to be about or convey. Everyone is a criminal, black people are accomplished dancers and musicians, and gallons of pomade are used by everyone. Basically, Gere is an accomplished musician (both in this movie and real life - he performed all the solos...). Gere catches the eye of a club owner and professor Cage becomes hired muscle for nebulous reasons. Gere moves into acting while sir Cage becomes a hardened criminal - looking to take control of the town.

Dr. Cage was lacking severely in screen time. But, there were several epic co-stars in this that remained mildly entertaining to observe. Presumably, Cage's character was busy being a behind the scenes racist - fighting black people and taking their money. I didn't count, this movie may have dropped the "N-word" more than Django Unchained.

After reviewing quotes on IMDB I'm fairly certain the dialogue was hashed together by rudimentary AI on a commodore 64. This isn't a "Cage classic joint" and it's the only Francis Ford Coppola work to be nominated for a "Razzie".

Example of typical character dialgoue:

I was born looking 18. Vera I can save you. Dixie No, you can't. Vera

Quotes & Cagisms

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You do move me...in unusual places. Gere

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Tough but fair, SAIC (Special Agent in Charge)
Cage Hair: Business Combover. Cage you'd take hom to meet your father.	Cage Rating: 7 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 8	Kills: 0

Review: I'd choose Mr. Ed anyday.

It's a mixture of laughter and tears - Gary Franklin KCOP-TV

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The reviews on the DVD case were both from Gary Franklin of KCOP-TV. I did a bit of digging, and it seems that Franklin was credited with creating the "Franklin Scale of 1 to 10". I don't mean to discount this local critics accolades, but I'm sure the "1 to 10" scale had been used prior to his meteoric rise on local Los Angeles television.

Cage is a frustrated Secret Service agent stuck on a lame-ass duty protecting a widowed former first lady, Tess (Played by MacLaine). First of all, the opening credit scene is unecessary. Credits belong at the end of the movie; unless an opening credit montage is creative or adds to the story.

The aforementioned fault aside, Cage does quite well in his role as Doug Chesnic, SAIC. He tries to leave his duty guarding Tess. With a sense of relief he loosens his tie but leaves his top button done. Tess has power over even the president and calls him to deal with her struggles regarding secret service protection, and request Doug back on duty as SAIC. Basically, Tess is a pill that everyone kowtows to - except for good ole' Cage!

Cage becomes a sad little pony when Tess is kidnapped under his watch. But he is resourceful and makes solid use of a chair that he was left with from the kidnapping to wait for his fellow officers to pick him up. Cage goes bananas on the skeezy driver that assisted with the kidnapping by shooting his toe(s) off in a hospital. For not being an action movie, this is one of the best scenes of Cage firing a weapon while executing good dialogue.

Tess is found, Cage and his men insist on digging Tess out of the hole she was buried in, and demand a power saw when they finally unearth the box Tess was buried in. The almost final scene involves a Tess being flown out in a helicopter, only to land. She requests Doug/Cage to accompany her. Said request has to be relayed like a game of telephone because everyone on in this scene forgets they have radios attached to their person.

Quotes & Cagisms

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I'd choose Mr. Ed in a second. Doug Chesnic/Cage

I'm a Secret Service agent, not a caddy. If you want your ball, I suggest you go get it yourself. Doug Chesnic/Cage

I'm gonna count to five then I'm going to shoot your toe off. (shoots toe off immediately) Doug Chesnic/Cage

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Soft Spoken Fast Car Driving Victim of a Bad Rhinoplasty
Cage Hair: Straightened Bleached Blond	Cage Rating: -∞ Cages
Freakouts: 1	Kills:

Review: Whoa...What The F*ck

Just when I thought I'd seen the worst Cage performance, he goes and does this...

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This is truly unwatchable. Take the worst movie you've ever seen, add chewing glass and cranial acupuncture with rusty 10 penny nails and you might come close to the experience of watching this.

A crap instrumental soundtrack and a severe lack of Cage (although, in this case, that's a good thing). Two guys, westbound to take in the California Babes end up in an accident with a young busty female. The cinematographer chose to sexualize the female by showing close-ups of her unclothed collar bones.

Post wreck, but pre-decision to do anything else, Cage drives up to the rescue in a red hot sports car (couldn't determine the model due to poor picture quality). Out jumps Cage donning a prosthetic nose and a very soft-spoken accent resembling his accent from Peggy Sue Got Married pitch-shifted 3 octaves. Here's the entirety of Cage's performance

Note the tire squeal as Cage slowly pulls out of frame

Quotes & Cagisms

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Not Quotable...

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Intelligent mole that double crosses his fellow team of rodent operatives.
Cage Hair: N/A	Cage Rating: 5.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 0	Kills: 0

Review: This Should have Bankrupted Disney

The movie about a team of special ops guinea pigs you didn't hear about because it never should have been made.

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I recently just installed the satellite speakers for our surround sound. What better way to test drive our 5.1 surround sound system than by watching a team of special ops guinea pigs take on a tech giant? I enjoyed my Bells Hop Slam and the superior sound quality filling the room much more than the actual movie I was watching. This movie had to be the result of some crackpot MBA doing a marketing study and bringing it to some Disney executive. I can only imagine the conversation when something as follows:

This has a truly amazing cast for being such a piece of garbage. It's not the worst work of anyone in this movie, but it's definitely in the bottom quartile of work for everyone involved. I like everyone starring in this movie, but detest the 88 min atrocity talking-animal Disney special. The most notable feature of this movie is that Nic Cage gave such an epic performance that I was upset by the fact I hadn't heard his voice at the time of the credits rolling. I longed to hear the timbre of Saint Cage's voice, but instead was subject to a nasal nerd voice.

Unless you have an irrational love of guinea pigs, or just want to make yourself feel better about your life choices there is no reason to watch this.

Quotes & Cagisms

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I'm 9" tall. I only see the upside Rockwell

I don't like it when my fly is down Zach G

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Italian Capatain mandolin virtuouso who falls in love with a local and tries to do right after the Italian surrender in WWII.
Cage Hair: Legendary	Cage Rating: 5.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 2	Kills: 1

Review: An Island of Accents

Despite growing up on the same island everbody has a different accent

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If bards were an actual military position, Cage would be filling that role with panache and style. Every enlisted man respects Cage as the leading minstrel for their unit.

A young Penelope Cruiz (I pronounce it Pen-Eh-LOPE) is the eye of Batman/Christian Bale. Penelope's father is the high Chancellor from V for Vendetta, but in this role he's a compassionate doctor. Not 5 minutes is the audience treated to a scenario contrived entirely for the reason of showing of Batman's bare hindquarters.

Bale/Batman goes off to fight in the war and Penelope becomes worried by his lack of response, setting up the hole in her heart that Cage will undoubtedly fill while serenading her with his sublime Mandolin playing. Sure enough, the Italians show up with numerous women in tow (when the Italians occupy a territory they bring their own companions apparently). The Italian soldiers are jolly bunch just looking to get along with the townspeople of the island they are now occupying.

Cage's accent is just as much music to the ears as his mandolin strumming. If there was a story fit for Cage to display his operatic prowess this is it! Sadly, Cage does not strut around in his undies belting out opera lines (which he did do in Family Man). Of course, Cage is stationed in Penelope's house (the reasons for this remain a mystery).

A beaten down, disheveled, shoeless Batman returns with Penelope's letters. He never responded because he never learned to read (a point I think he would have brought up prior to his departure and Penelope insisting she would write often). There's a bit of a love triangle for a bit between Cage, Batman, and Penelope. Batman hightails it out of there for nebulous reasons - leaving Cage to swoon Penelope. At this point, I think Penelope's distinct Spanish accent is much less believable than Cage's Italian accent. Penelope tempts Cage during a dance in the town square when she dances the Tango with a random Italian Soldier - Not Cage!

Suddenly, Cage and his men are given purpose when a defunct sea mine washes ashore and the Italians decide to detonate it for "safety". The silly Italians, too drunk and preoccupied with singing build the bomb shelter too close - putting Cage in needless peril. But, this obvious oversight provides the opportunity for Penelope to care for Cage and see he's more than just the mandolin strumming man in command.

Cage professes his love for Penelope even though he hardly knows her. I have a more personal connection and history with some of my fleece jackets than Captain Corelli would have with Penelope at this point.

Finally, we get some action when the Italians surrender, but Cage and his men intend to fight off the German occupation of Island De Cage. Cage teams up with the Greek guerilla unit led by Batman (resembling Che Guevara). Cage and his men are captured by the germans and put in front of a firing squad. One of Cage's men jumps in front of the gunfire leaving Cage bloodied and suffering until Batman finds him and delivers him to Penelope and her father.

Cage makes a quick recovery and returns to Italy for a good long while - only sending a record to Penelope in the interim. After a devasting earthquake, Cage returns to a longing Penelope where they will raise children with incredibly strange accents.

Quotes & Cagisms

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A brave Italian is a freak of nature. Penelope

Quick somebody get the gun. Somebody shoot him, shoot him! Cage (breaking his flawless accent)

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: Nic Cage Santorum searches for his misssing son by crossing to another realm
Cage Hair: Bad Hair weave	Cage Rating: 3.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 5	Kills: 1.5

Review:A Horrific Fashion Story

The vultures are a symbol for Cage's hair weave

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This has got to be the first thriller involving a haunted razor scooter and digital video camera that produces analog static. For a good long stretch of this "Straight to Netflix" release the most horrific thing I saw was Professor Cage's fashion choice in the form of a very "Santorum" sweater vest. Dr. Cage is working feverishly to get tenure from some New York University. His wife (Carl's mom from Walking Dead) is an architect...I think. Basically, neither of them have professions producing a combined income close to affording their 3 story townhouse in Greenwich Village.

Some Celtic Lore reveals a local haunting in the form of a woman who was burned at the stake long ago. Cage, hell bent on getting tenure so he can continue to overpay for his insane townhouse arrives late to a Halloween date with his son. His son's "sharpied" on eye patch is evidence of just how cash-strapped this household is. They couldn't even afford a real costume eye patch for $2! Professor Santora-Cage tries to make up for his absence by dressing up like a Cowboy Elvis and taking his son to an adult Halloween street party. Cage's reason for the tardiness was the result of him celebrating his newly acquired job security in the form of making tenure! Wouldn't the department chair want to tell him in person instead of dropping a letter in his mailbox?

Cage's wife immediately blames him and apparently kicks him out of their townhouse - and this is where the real horror story begins. Cage is now stuck in a 1 bedroom efficiency apartment! He's such a good guy, that he's probably still helping pay the overblown mortgage on the townhouse. Cage spends his spare time trying to solve his son's disappearance and posting missing child fliers all around town (which he could just pay a grad student to do now that he's tenured). Professor C is convinced that the detective on the case is lazy - simply not true. The poor Dic is crippled with antiquated technology. The guy had a 1997 Compaq Presario at his desk when we meet him. Later, he's graduated to a early 2000's Dell Small Form Factor desktop that can barely run Windows XP. Cage starts walking around flaunting his tenure status like Wayne and Garth at an Alice Cooper show flashing their backstage passes.

Professor Cage decides to put his literary and detective skills to work by turning to a colleague who's expertise is 1400's Celtic Manhattan literature. Cage makes amends with his zombie killing wife and the two venture to a benign Celtic Halloween circle where the leader is an elementary teacher with entirely too much knowledge about local haunting legends and access points to other realms, and the time windows for the portal.

Cage is led to another realm by a blind dude harboring a flashlight (why does a blind dude have a flashlight?) where he finds his son and breaks the curse. In reality, this movie has zero similarities to Wayne's World. There are some actual scary moments that made me jump a bit. But I was quickly calmed by the sweet timbre of Cage's voice and his Shakespearean deliveries of old poems/text to his students. That, and I remembered it was all just fantasy because Cage was using government sites for research that actually had a decent user interface...

Quotes & Cagisms

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This movie was hardly quotable. I was too preoccupied cracking jokes with Tim about it to document any. Here's one quote for posterity

What does it mean? Cage (after seeing a wall that says "Pay the Ghost" written a hundred times) Just what it says I guess Dread Locked Blind Man

Meta Cage
The Cage Character: A cop tired of being sh*t on decides to break all the rules and pull of a heist
Cage Hair: Matured Castor Troy (Longer hair with a mustache)	Cage Rating: 9.5 Cages out of 10
Freakouts: 1	Kills:2

Review: One Cage's Most Quotable Movies!

Cage is an oringal prankster...

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This is one of the few movies I actually had to pay to watch. At first, I was just a bit upset about having to shell out $7 in order to stream this. I spent a solid 10 mins making sure I couldn't get it cheaper/free elsewhere. After accepting my fate I settled in for a nice evening in the Cage.

Like other low-budget Cage flicks, there's nudity in the first 2 mins - just to grab the viewers attention. I'm on these gimmicks at this point. I figured it was nothing more than a cheap device to prevent the viewer from turning away too soon. After viewing mins I had the following questions:

1. How does a John Deere tractor end up in Las Vegas PD impound?
2. Why is Elijah Wood's character wearing a wedding ring?
3. What were so special/expensive about their drill press and bits?
4. Wouldn't the explosion knock out the safe door workings?
5. Why is the casino depositing diamonds in an off-site safe?

Sly Cage goes undercover at a casino to based on the bail money for some guy. Detective Cage's institution proved true when they find out that deliveries are being made to a non-descript location. Cage recruits Wood to help him plan a heist. Perhaps Cage's most creative ply was hiring a homeless dude to snap some polaroids of the location. Said homeless guy takes some artistic liberties with the camera and snaps a dick pic for Cage as well - resulting in a humorous exchange between Cage and Wood.

Cage is one cold B.A.D. S.O.B. in this - killing a gun runner in order to procure black market firearms. But, he's not without his sense of humor. Jokester Cage is pulling pranks on Wood, resulting in Wood flipping out at a greater frequency than Cage.

Wood has his doubts about the heist and ultimately shoots Cage, before getting shot himself. Crime doesn't pay kids - especially if you don't commit 100% to the job!

Quotes & Cagisms

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This is a very interesting ashtray. Cage

I think that guy's getting a hand job. He's eating, so it's hard to tell...Wood

Sometimes I think I should probably pull it together a bit. Wood (talking about his life)

Okay. I'll do it. But it's only because I have nothing better to do and a truly despise my job Wood

Don't take this the wrong way because we're friends and you're my boss, but fuck you! Wood

Stay positive dude. Cage

I'll give you $100 Wood Okay Skeptical Receptionist

You're a positive thinker and I respect you...and I fucking dig you! Cage to Wood

You haven't had a lot of coffee today, have you? JK, go for it...Cage

I have an idea...it's kind of...wackay. Cage

OPEN IT! (X 10) Cage