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From Mark:This was laughably awesome! I watched this on a whim whilst looking after our 4-month-old baby (it's never too early to indoctrinate youth with an appreciation for JCVD). Our son (Will) and I both thoroughly enjoyed this iconic piece of early 90's action. Sheldon Lettich never fails to throw together a haphazard script centered around action, splits, and nudity.

This is no "Bloodsport", or "Kickboxer", and certainly no "Hard Target". It is quite entertaining and full of nearly every typical 90's action movie trope. It's totally worth watching!

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From Travis: It took me 5 months and 2 days to be able to describe my feelings about Hard Target, simply because I could not previously find the words to describe this historic cinematic chef-d'oeuvre (not because I put it off or anything like that). First of all, I have to give mad hootie hoos to Wilford Brimley for bringing the Uncle Douvee character to life. If you only associate Mr. Brimley with his lovably-gruff type-2 diabetes awareness efforts, or oatmeal, you are in for a real dirty-cajun-slow-molasses-wisdom-with-a-touch-of-backwoods-Deliverance-heebie-jeebies treat. Of course, we can’t forget the real star of Hard Target… the snake that gets punched in the face by JCVD himself. I can guarantee that animals were most definitely hurt in the making of this movie, because that snake got knocked the fuck out yo. Seriously, this movie is so full of bad-ass (slash goofy) JCVD action that I’d even go so far as to say that it belongs at the very top of the Menards DVD bargain bin. Plus, that mullet. Plus, those soul-piercing guitar riffs throughout the movie. I grew up on Kickboxer and Bloodsport, but now that I’ve seen this gem (how did I miss this one in ’93?), I might have to admit that Hard Target is (gasp!) my number two JCVD flick (gotta save the #1 spot for Breakin’ and stay true to my b-boy style). I never thought I’d say that, but as a wise uncle once said, “Ooh-wee! Ha ha! Sometimes I 'maze myself! Good whiskey make jackrabbit slap de bear!”

From Drew: As a kid, I watched more action flicks than children's movies. My mom rented all the latest popcorn fares from the likes of Segal, Van Damme, Stallone, and others. I often considered Under Siege, Bloodsport, and Hard Target to be the cream of the crop, so I was surprised to discover my recollection of the latter was completely inaccurate. I remembered Hard Target as though it was Surviving the Game, but with JCVD replacing Ice-T in the role of the hunted.

This revelation was actually a pleasant surprise, however. Van Damme was less vagrant in the woods being pursued sport, and more of a badass engaging in urban warfare with a truly despicable group of baddies.

And actually, my favorite aspect of Hard Target is its villains. Led by Lance Henriksen, and the dude from The Mummy, the bad guys are classic action-movie evil. While they're all one-note, static characters, most of whom are simply cannon fodder, their evil-doings alone make them fun to root against. I mean, hunting homeless people for sport and profit? Short of punching babies or drowning puppies, these guys are cartoonishly villainous. Ultimately, it's a lot of fun watching them grow increasingly frustrated at Van Damme's antics. They're the kind of characters you like to see earn their just deserts.

With so many disposable villains, there are some pretty fun set pieces built in to take them out. Van Damme provides his signature moves, spin kicking the enemies from motorcycles before eventually surfing on a chopper his own. He even punches a rattlesnake, which alone makes the movie memorable.

The movie really excels when Wilford Brimley, offers his assistance. Playing Van Damme's backwoods survivalist uncle, Brimley's character tilts the playing field, making the odds completely in favor of our heroes.

The final chase sequence cumulates in a showdown in a warehouse for Mardi Gras floats, which, is different. I would have liked seeing more use of this location and it's props but ultimately it feels tacked on to simply reinforce the movie is set in New Orleans.

Adding John Woo and Sam Raimi to the mix, and the movie had a lot of weight and talent behind it. As a result, the movie holds up better than expected. Hard Target is still definitely a product of its time but still very enjoyable for fans of the genre. Oh, and Van Damme rocks a mullet, which is pretty sweet. It really informs his character.

From Mark: I love this movie. I used to own it on VHS and watched the hell out of it. JCVD pulls no punches on being a truly masterful action hero (including punching out the aforementioned snake). He's no match for a horde of rich white dudes looking to kill another white dude. He's a cunning detective, a mastered martial artist, and a true lady killer to boot..

Like Drew, I revere this iconic JCVD flick as one his best. Even 20 years after it's release it holds up perfectly. Denim, mullets, Camero Z-28, Blues slide guitar - it's a magnificent piece of American action cinema. I wanted more splits and nut punches. But, a viewer can only handle so much badassery (of which this story was full).

General

This is a magnificent piece of American cinema. John Woo takes action to the next level with the best martial artist in the bayou harboring a Belgian accent. The ode to old westerns, music, triple slow-motion takes, explosions, and gun slinging all add up to one masterful action movie. Have you ever seen a guy punch out a rattlesnake? JC has a body count of 34 (including the snake).

Sam Raimi, that Sam Raimi, oversaw production in order to quell studio concerns about Woo's limited English. Thank God Raimi was involved, you know that guy added his own flair to the production!

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From Mark:Harshly lit, high contrast, and doubing are the main themes of this semi-autobigraphical dramatized story of JCVD. He's run into financial and legal troubles (the latter of which could have been avoided if he'd kept his disco dust habit to a half kilo a week). JC returns to his home country to shoot a low-budget action movie. He's dealing with a custody battle over his daughter as well. JC's involvement in the bank heist that dominates the narrative of this movie is nebulous to me. Then again, I did zone out a bit while watching this as I found playing peek-a-boo with our 6-month-old more entertaining.

I did shed a tear for JC's character when a role was sniped by Steven Segal. Segal!

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From Travis:

From Drew

From Mark: JCVD oozes badassery in this. He stops a rollerblading pickpocket by simply holding a side kick at head height and asking the would-be criminal to "read between the lines". JC rocks a clean and tight haircut (similar to that of his bloodsport) back in 1994, but when the story jumps a head to 2004 he's regressed into a MacGuyver/Walker Texas Ranger mullet mop top. If science/technology moved that fast I'd like to think hairstyles would progress in tandem with the rapid scientific innovation. Hell, there's self driving cars in 2004!

I generally appreciated JC's understated performance and more utilitarian use of martial arts. No time for that flashy stuff, he keeps it simple to apprehend the bad guys while still looking good and coming up with witty quips in the process.

General Comments

There's some pretty severe plot holes here. If his house was originally blown up due to bad guy McComb travelling back in time then his future self would have also been there to stop the death of his wife too, at least we think. We're no experts in the theory of time travel. But, it appears that time isn't linear in this story.

Also, once JC kills McComb in the past, and returns to the "present" he has no memory/recollection of how his life changed. So, he's surprised to return home (still a house in need of a lot of work) to his hottie wife, and a rube of a kid. His kid runs out donning a bowl cut and a plaid sweater vest. JC is raising a f*cking Rick Santorum clone while living in a fixer-upper in the suburbs. After all that effort, this is how he's rewarded?!?

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From Andy: I had low expectations for this movie but was pleased to find myself laughing at some clever jokes in the first 10 mins. Sadly, the movie derailed shortly after JCVD entered into the frame. The lengthy, disjointed storyline was lackluster at best. They got my hopes up, drew my in closer, then shit on my face!

I'm upset ICPL has this movie. ICPL should be barred from procuring any movie with a budget to gross ratio of less than one, and this one had a ratio of 40:1 - a catastrophe.

From Mark: On the one hand, I'm happy I didn't shell out money to watch this. On the other, I'm with Andy. ICPL shouldn't have this on the shelf. I'm upset that fractions of a cent from my taxes went toward buying this flaming diarrhea. I wanted to like JCVD in this, I really did. But his lack of line memorization (maybe they were meant to be dramatic pauses, but I think he was just tripped up trying to remember his lines - all 8 of them) and poor delivery just fell flat. Time also didn't appear to be linear in this - more like circular, like flushing diarrhea down the toilet bowl. I hope this is the worst one we watch.

We left a note for ICPL in the DVD Case

The note reads as follows:

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None of us have watched Kickboxer 2-5, but thought we'd be able to catch up by "reading between the lines". There was no reading. We're not convinced there was even a script for the actors to read. Dave Bautista slams out a solid performance of a Caucasian posing as an Asian, but that's about it.

There's also the plot hole where Kurt's brother is offered a fat wad of cash for considering a fight, then another fat wad when he lands in Thailand. Nowhere in the verbal agreement is it stated he has to fight. Presumably, he could book flights with a short layover to pick up the cash and go back home to sit on his ass.

Kurt's brother, who never escaped the 80's is out for international fame and notoriety. He aims to gain this celebrity by fighting in an illegal, untelevised fight in Thailand?...We think writers may have been on a coke bender when conjuring this one.

From Travis: In his role as mostly-disinterested Muay Thai trainer to namby-pamby brah Kurt Sloan , JCVD obviously (probably contractually) insisted on wearing a fedora and sunglasses in nearly every scene, presumably to mask his disdain for how far the franchise has fallen since he first blessed the screen with hip-thrusty dance moves and splits-attacks. Kickboxer Vengeance does prove, however, that anyone can be a winner, even if you suck at fighting and should have absolutely no chance of beating a far superior opponent. You just gotta believe!!

From Mark: In an era where reboots/remakes are commonplace I was hoping for a solid reboot of the "Kickboxer" franchise. "Star Trek", and "Star Wars" have had major successes as reboots. Kickboxer, a iconic classic should likewise enjoy a similar resurgence. Alas, this newest chapter in the Kickboxer saga is not on par with the original masterpiece. The guy playing Kurt Sloane (JCVD's iconic role that should not be touched) is mostly known for stunt work - which he should stick to. An athlete he is, an actor he is not.

General Comments

After what seemed like a 3-day weekend, Kurt believes himself to be ready to fight Tong Po. JCVD tests Kurt's optimisn and through a bar fight - unlike the one in the original. Kurt, is decidely not ready. He has his ass readily handed to him by a bald dude in skinny jeans. Much like Kurt's lack of preparedness, the actor portaying him is not ready for a leading role.

Weight class appears to not be of any concern either. Imagine Manny Pacquiao fighting Mike Tyson. One punch from Bautista would send Kurt back to acting class where he belongs.

This should have been rated for non-stop action, unlike Double Team

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From Andy: One issue that surprised me with this movie was the production value. There were a lot of “special effects” that were quite special. The director loved zooming into and out of things. For example, we zoom into several pieces of technology. From what I gathered, technology is a collection of wires, circuits, and something glowing in the middle. We also zoomed in and out of gun barrels. The problem is if often seemed like we were zooming in when bullets were flying out. Lastly, at seemingly random points, the characters’ vision got squiggly, almost as if the entire cast simultaneously dropped a bunch of acid. It was almost like the like video game move where your character gets woozy before he/she is about to die. Generally, if you’re prone to motion sickness, this might not be the movie for you.

From Erin: Came for bronzed, glistening, Belgian muscles. Stayed for the incoherent plot, adventurous camera angles, and abhorrent attempts at witty dialogue. Was not disappointed. One out of five stars. (1 star = 2 spinning splits kicks)

From Mark: I think this was JCVD's attempt at slapstick with the idea that Rob Schneider would help in the supporting role for his freshman effort in the genre. Sadly, JC was outgunned by Rob. He did pull off some decent stunt work and rocked the rickshaw race. We had to rewatch said race to discover an important plot point. I appreciated the low budget slow motion effects that emulated the impaired vision of a recently roofied sorority girl. So, I'll immediately know if someone slips a roofie into my Russian Imperial Stout in the future.

There should have been a competitor to V6 jeans called V8 jeans...

General Comments

You'd think three people with graduate/doctoral degrees could make sense of this, but you'd be wrong. None of us were able to coherently piece this one together. It made no sense, had disconnected scenes and dialogue, and involved nanobots that explode into wildfire from "Game of Thrones" as the main plot vehicle. We're meeting again to discuss the implications of "Knock Off" and "Game of Thrones" occurring in the same universe...

JCVD discovered the idea of a "slip 'n slide" in this. The deck of the ship they somehow end up on is covered in some sort of industrial lubricant that allows JC to slide all over the deck in a frictionless environment.

The "main bad guy" was a rogue CIA operative that decided to put nanobots into knock off textiles that could be detonated by microwave. His plan was to hold the world ransom for 100 million a month, or he would detonate all the devices - basically a Dr. Evil plot idea. FYI, that's 1.43x10^-7% of the world GDP at that time. Seems like he's aiming a bit low for his payment...

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From Andy: I couldn't make heads or tails of this. I mean, I narrowly avoided a huge marital argument when my wife tried to throw away my "Double Team" poster. I honestly thought this movie made more sense (it makes none). Literally, any 10 minutes of this movie could be omitted and the story line would remain just as incomprehensible.

This movie shouldn't be called "Double Team", as Rodman and JCVD weren't so much a team as they were just...there.

From Travis: I remembered Rodman being a more solid actor. Alas, his performance fell a bit flat for me. There was no shortage of basketball puns - which I did appreciate. Wardrobe changes were too numerous to count and the dialog was not up to "Bloodsport" quality.

Physiology was not the writer's strength - as putting a plastic bag over the head of someone already under water will do very little to suffocate them.

From Mark: After "Welcome to the Jungle" I was ready for a guaranteed "okay" JCVD performance. I figured this one would be delightfully over the top. I never thought I'd catch myself wanting more Dennis Rodman in a movie. The training montage was okay and there were some solid action sequences. However, this movie was rated "R" for "NonStop Action". There were numerous stops.

It seems like the director/editor became aware the film was R-rated for the aforementioned reasons and attempted to make up for lulls in action with overblown action, such as a lone grenade producing a 3 story fireball when thrown into a swimming pool. I'm no explosives expert, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen...

General Comments

Are there actually any international terrorists for hire? Hollywood would have us think so, but we have yet to ever hear of a freelance terrorist in the news. What platform do these freelancers use to market themselves and attract clients? Is there a “freelancer.com” equivalent for terrorists?

The plot make little sense. Imagine you asked a 5 year old to tell you a story about a retired CIA operative, an eccentric arms dealer, and an international terrorist for hire. The yarn subsequently spun by said 5-year-old would undoubtedly be more coherent than this movie.

Coca-Cola had to fund 50% of this with all the product placement. A single Coke vending machine saved Rodman, JCVD, and child from an overblown landmine explosion, wherein an innocent tiger perished.

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From Mark:I watched this piece-meal throughout the day. I had high hopes for this one when the line "This isn't Canada! We have protocols here!" was said to JCVD in the opening scene. Alas, the rest of the movie did not remain at that level. It was a solid JCVD flick, wherein he was donning a Canadian Tuxedo for a decent amount of time (pre Hard Target...).

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From Erin: I needed more flashback. The flashbacks really pulled the story together in one cohesive thread. Without the occasional flash to JC's face I would have forgotten he was in the movie entirely and thought this was just about a semi-impared kid who was just a big fan of giants. More Flashbacks!

From Andy: Just what is "Martial Science"? Perhaps it's because I'm not a student of MS, don't have an M.S. in MS (let alone a B.S. in MS), but how does serving tea blindfolded get you into the Kumite(!)?

From Mark: This is undoubtedly in the top 3 of all JCVD performances. A classic, never to be rivaled. It has everything from subtle racism to gratituous violence and glistening bulging muscles. A true masterpiece, albeit historically inaccurate since the Kumite(!) took place in the Bahamas that year.

Notable Lore/Internet Finds

Frank Dux is a real guy, but his fighting record and career as a secret operative is suspect. A documentary was made about him called Put Your Dux: The True Story of Bloodsport (it was release on Blu-Ray in 3D and 2D). Dux even trained JCVD!

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From Mark:I was excited to see Danny Trejo in this - especially in the tender,caring role of JCVD's wet nurse while he's in recovery. Trejo lives a life of solitude out in the desert presumably to escape his past darker days with JC. The two share a song about whiskey and women driving them insane. Apparently they only penned a single line and were too busy trashing bozos and boinking rando hotties to be bothered with creating a whole verse. I was disappointed the lack of spin kicks, yells, slow motion triple takes. Essentially, this was devoid of martial arts spetacles and settled for gun play and foreplay. I must admit, that JC stars in perhaps one of the best clips in cinematic history (see gif below).

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From Mark: This movie is too much to handle. The soundtrack alone should have won numerous accolades. Thankfully, we viewed this with closed captioning so we could also discern the lyrics from this epic 80's soundtrack. Here's just a taste of the soundtrack

• Streets of Siam - Stan Bush
• Fight for Love - Stan Bush
• Never Surrender - Stan Bush

It's too bad JCVD stole entire spotlight for this movie. Stan Bush deserved to rise to the top of the music charts with his titilating musical compositions - for they make this movie what it is. That, and the truly epic dance scene.

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